the day BEFORE my birthday was awesome. drunkin’ putt-putt was not as drunkin’ as i expected but it was REALLY funny. LOTS of talk of balls. juvenile but SUPER funny. then i went to elysium for 80s night. a few other people showed up there. they didn’t play any of the songs i requested but it was mostly new wave. which was awesome. DANCED by legs down to the knees. my feeties hurt so much by the time i got home they kept me awake! got a pedicure today and it helped a lot.
today was blue. i dunno. none of my clothing fits. i feel awkward. everybody says i am so gorgeous, but i’d like someone to say i am…something else. clever. dedicated. hardworking. something else.
i think i would like to date a nurse. we could relate. theoretically sean and i were going to have sex tonight, but he was too tired from being out so late last night (cause we’re old). and i was relieved. he said something last night that really bothered me. he said, at elysium, that he had planned to pounce after dancing not realizing i would dance my legs down to the knees. i replied that i had worked the night before and i wanted to be at my peak. he replied i didn’t need to be, all i needed was to be there. that REALLY bothered me. and i told him that. he said i was misunderstanding him but i told him to just stop. just stop. told lucy about it (lucy is my new awesome goth roommate!) and she said he may have meant i wouldn’t have to do anything. but that it was weird. it made me uncomfortable. i dunno. something says not to trust him. and i worry that is just me being untrusting, untrusting because of my history. being unfairly suspicious. being chicken. i am SO much more comfortable with a sex relationship, not a emotion relationship. maybe my weird feeling about sean is because i just don’t know how to be in an emotional relationship? and maybe my spidey-sense is telling me to beware, this isn’t the one for me.
if not, who?
i feel old and broken.
been on some dates with Sean again. hmmm. going better this time.
the hospice facility i work at is my joy. i still need to get paid, but it is my joy. the long game, as long as it takes, is to go there full-time.
the 3rd night in a row is supposed to be easy.
i can work 5 nights in a row and still stand up-right. but i think it might be like drinking and driving, one does not know how impaired they really are.
i paid cash for my new carpets. yeah me!
so far, Lucy is a super awesome roommate. though i have only seen her briefly on 3 occasions since she moved in a week ago.
good thing i am seeing my therapist on monday. Ross and i had an emotional altercation. while he was in MI his step-mother threw him out (or something to that effect) because she is nuts. dad did not defend Ross. i know about Dad’s not defending their children. their children who are suppose to mean more than anything. anyhow, he text me an “i love you” text. we engaged in conversation and ended up talking about sex. i talked too much about sex with andreas and Ross stopped replying. which is a Ross thing. i do agree i should have waited to discuss my latest thoughts on my sex life until another moment. anyhow, the NEXT night, he text me that he was very hurt that he had text that he loved me and i talked about sex with another man. i apologized.
then he returned from MI and i didn’t see/hear from him for 2 days. then i didn’t see him much at all for 2-3 weeks. he was avoiding me. it was obvious. it is a Ross thing. my guess was that he did something that he was afraid to tell me about. he did say, at one point during those 2-3 weeks, that his life got VERY complicated, VERY quickly, when he returned from MI. a woman, i figured. anyhow…last weekend i cornered him because he owed me money. i called him near the end of Sci-Fy sunday. he knew i was going to be there, and i still think he tried to avoid me. OH! i forgot to mention that i had invited him to have dinner with me the last night he was going to be my roommate and he said yes, but then didn’t call, and then when i text he showed up (like 10 min later) to say he had helped a friend move and he was too tired to have dinner. i went to dinner alone and then to bed (alone). ANYHOW, at the end of Sci-Fy sunday we went out to his car so he could write me a check (for the wrong amount…sigh) and i asked him if he was avoiding me because he was afraid of how i would respond to his “big mistake” whatever that was. he replied that he actually had wanted to talk to me. he told me about the first day he was supposed to take his commercial license exam and how he cried and yelled (it got postponed). Ben thought he was afraid of failure. i actually think he is afraid of success. he said he wasn’t even sure he wanted to live in Alaska. i quoted his plan back to him “live in Alaska for 3-5 years and then fly cargo and move around where he wants”. then he commented he “still doesn’t know what to do about Denise.” (his sister’s husband’s sister) i replied that i probably shouldn’t say anything since i didn’t feel that he was treating me very well. he agreed that he hadn’t been treating me well. but that was all he said. so i left. i said i was going to 80s night. and i did. but i was VERY VERY angry.
80s music isn’t angry enough. my friend Luna thought it was, giving the example of “Shout” by Tears for Fears. i still found that song pop-y. 80s music was about despair, not anger. we were all going to die if the Russians didn’t love their children too. there was no point to be angry as the two heads of state had their hands on the buttons and we had no way to change that. ANYHOW, i listened to a lot of NIN in my car that night.
the next day AFTER HIS COMMERCIAL FLIGHT EXAM, i sent him the following message:
i am tired of feeling used by you. i don’t hear from you for almost 2-weeks, and i get what? “i wanted to talk to you” about what? YOUR insecurities and problems. YOUR problem with another woman.
you spend all your time with people “you have things to do with” and i get your insecurities and sadness. and your body. i feel used Ross. you come to me when you want to get away from your “real friends”, i am a secret, i am someone not to be taken out, danced with, visited. you come to me when you want support. what about me? what about the support i need? i NEED to be danced with, to be taken out.
i am used to perk you up so you can go out and enjoy activities with your friends. and it hurts, i hurts SO much. i deserve better Ross. and not just your agreeing when i say you haven’t been nice to me. i deserve an effort.
i hope you passed your test and you find peace in the changes happening in your life.”
haven’t heard from him. it makes me sad. but, it had to be said. perhaps it was too much. but it had to be said. my therapist says i need to get angry more. i use the phrase, “well, that is how they feel, they have a right to their feelings” instead of allowing myself to be hurt. i think this is part of the reason i have been popular with men. i am not “emotional” like most women. maybe men just need to understand the impact of their behavior better. anyhow, i am angry. i am hurt. i hope this all gets resolved, but more than that, i hope i learn.