that’s what my therapist told me i needed to focus on. it feels like a really big topic though. i’ve gained 20 lbs. since starting at St. D’s. a very small percentage of my clothing fits me. as i have everything tailored to fit, i have easily grown out of it. i don’t find my body grotesquely large (except my belly. belly fat is freaky) but i don’t fit in anything. and i can’t afford, nor want, to replace my wardrobe. i have an awesome wardrobe. it all seems to hinge on sleep though. and how i am not getting enough quality sleep. and how i eat at strange times. and i don’t eat enough vegetables. the melatonin my new GP recommended has helped a little. but i am still not sleeping long enough. she wants me to see a sleep specialist and consider a sleep study. i am not sure i think apnea is the problem. my screwed up clock is. and then it all reinforces itself.
sometimes i think all i need is more discipline. if i plan my time better, i’ll have control over my body, food, exercise. but then i am tired. and i miss people. and life takes so much more time than it used to.
much of my life i have been a very sure person. i roll with things but have always been confident. when i started as a hospice nurse, i was sure i had found what i wanted to do for the rest of my life. so i bought a new car when my old one was creeping on 100k miles. when i started at HA, i was sure i had found the place to work for the rest of my life. but neither of those ended up being true. so i am back to not knowing what i want to do (though i am sure it is nursing) and i have a car i don’t really need. so, now, i am starting to fear all my decisions. i THINK i have changed a lot since i moved to austin. i have a super-duper poker face now. i don’t think i did before. i think i have always hidden my vulnerabilities, but that is more severe now. it is like i am curling in on myself. will i become old and bitter?