the other shoe

so, to further describe the stress i have been feeing lately i will use the analogy of the other shoe dropping.  it feels like any minute now, the delicate balance will implode and the other shoe will drop.  i’ll default on something.  my friends will stop calling (which they have so to already started to do, er, stop doing…), i’ll lose my job.  is this what it means to be an adult?  i think probably it is what it means to have made the decisions i have.  but means it is all my fault, and i don’t blame anyone else, but it sucks.  it a couple of years i should be in a better position.  but will i last?  something is wrong with my body.  i don’t know what it is, but it is something.  i can’t sleep or i sleep too much.  i have gained 15 lbs and a lot of it is around the belly (which makes NO sense!)  i fear i may have acquired type 2 DM (that would seriously SERIOUSLY suck).  i have mentioned the new therapist and i REALLY love the work i am doing with her.  but i have started to have bad dreams.  not nightmares (though i had one of those) but bad dreams.  dreams where i do something stupid or mean or i get in trouble or i get hurt.  i don’t like these dreams.  i suppose my subconscious is stirred up from the work i have been doing, but i want it to stop.  can’t my subconscious be more obvious so i am address it directly?

my best buddy these days is my friend Mark.  mark and i went on a couple of dates and made out a couple of times, but i was just not feeling it from a sexual standpoint.  but we get along SO well.  we think about a lot of the same things.  he is pretty darn good with pop culture for a 30-year old.  and he is damn smart.  so lately i was thinking maybe with my dysfunctional dating past i can’t actually be attracted to people that would be good for me or who i get along with emotionally?  maybe i can only be physically attracted to trouble.  certainly applies if i look at my history.  (i really like and care for the men i have been physically involved with, they are awesome people).  i am going to suggest this to my therapist this week.  really though, how does someone change their attraction style?

i need to do yoga and exercise.

good news today though.  i stopped by christopher house friday and today.  the NP told me i should work for them, which is what i wanted to do!  she talked to the director, and i talked to him today.  i start PRN at night as soon as we can fit me into the schedule.  i am SUPER excited!  this means i may be able to get on there full-time eventually.  which would be my job preference.  driving to pt homes is emotionally wonderful but physically exhausting.  working in a hospice facility is the best of both worlds!  i like working at St. David’s.  they treat their nurses well, they have good processes.  but the type of pt we have makes me feel like a band-aid applier not a nurse.  ok, i don’t HEAL people who are dying, but i do nurse them, and it feels really good.  this is going to be a good change.

now if i can only avoid the other shoe.

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