the first time in many new year’s

this new year’s was the first new year’s in at least 4 years that was moving from a positive place to a positive place.  last year i worked for Liz.  year before that i worked with the mean nurses in temple.  and the two year’s before that i was in nursing school.  this year, i have a new job i really like, a home of my own, and just generally life is good.  i didn’t quite dance my legs down to the knees, but i did dance quite a bit.  and got home at a totally reasonable hour (even for a night nurse).  i am encouraged.

i suck at hanging pictures.

my “little sister” chelsea and christine are both visiting for the holidays.  i am glad they were both here together.  christine is better at talking about serious stuff with chelsea than i am.  i am mostly her cheerleader.  so terribly proud of her for doing it her way.  which may be selfish, as it is my preferred style.  but i also think we should all be true to ourselves, and she is, so i am terribly, incredibly and deeply proud of her.

we were making dinner tonight and christine was wanting to find something (can opener i think).  i said “behind you”.  she turned around and looked at the microwave.  i finally said “in the drawer”.  and then i said “i feel like you don’t try with me, like you know i’ll explain it so you just wait for that”.  which has always bothered me.  she replied that she is afraid of doing it wrong.  i asked her if she felt that way  with other people or just me, she said just me.  i said i was sorry i made her feel that way.  i think a lot of people feel this way about me.  i think this is why i lose a lot of friends.  in a way i am just accepting of my flaw.  there are tons of AWESOME things about me.  i am totally worth it.  but i can see how it is hard for people.  i don’t mean to tell people they are wrong.  i don’t mean to say they have done something negative.  i do mean that i think it should be done another way.  but people don’t experience it that way.  which i respect.  there are personality types that i get easily frustrated with.  when people don’t seem to try, i get frustrated.  when people don’t say what they want and wait for me to either a) intuit it or b) make all the decisions, i am frustrated.  my friends are smart and i don’t want to be in charge all the time.  maybe people do a lot of things they don’t want to and i state my preference.  for example, if i am at a coffee shop or show or restaurant and my companion says “let’s go” but i am not ready/don’t want to go yet, i say something.  perhaps other people don’t?  perhaps they just go with the flow without regard to their preference, the vast majority of the time?  this will certainly be something i am going to discuss with my therapist when i start back up at the end of the month.

i am encouraged by 2015.

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