so, i have a new therapist.  and i like her a lot.  i have had 3 sessions and discovered a bunch already.  i switched because i want to focus more on sex and relationships.  my old therapist, Elizabeth, was more life/struggle.  she recommended the new one.  we’ve talked about how men tell me that they feel like they can’t do anything for me so don’t know what they have to offer.  i am too self-sufficient.  i am not vulnerable enough.  we’ve (and by that i mean you and me, dear reader) have talked extensively about my not needing support from much of anyone, except in extreme situations, and how that causes issues.  but this was more intimate relationship-ish.  i explained that i can’t  just stop being self-sufficient.  karen, the therapist, immediately said, “being vulnerable won’t mean being less than you are.”  she asked if i really even wanted a partner.  i have talked about being comfortable for the first time in my entire life.   i have a job i feel good about, i have a great group of friends, i have a wonderful new home.  i feel comfortable.  she suggested that i might not want to rock that boat by introducing someone into my life.  but i disagree.  i would like a partner.  i am not afraid of some work or risk.  at least i don’t feel afraid of it.  she asked what i am looking for.  i said someone to just “be” with some of the time, just exist, contemplate, sit on the couch reading our own things and then periodically sharing a thought or idea.  i’d like someone to help me eat better, and return to my regular level of fitness.  i’d like someone to help me manage my spending, since i am bad about that.  i’d like someone to tell me when i am saying things wrong.  my new coworker Mary is awesome like that.  i told her that too.  we had a meeting with the nurse specialist and explained the things that have gone wrong with the preceptor.  Mary told me i did a good job being non-accusatory like i am when she and i talk about it.  i’d like an intimate partner that helped with that.  sure, sometimes i may respond in an unpleasant way, but that is what i think love is, understanding where that unpleasantness is coming from and working with it.  i’d get better (unless she turned me into a newt) over time, i am sure.  Karen said those were things that showed vulnerability.  i can see that, but they hardly seem like something you share on a first date!  so how do i get someone to stay long enough to get to the vulnerable part?  i’d like my interest in sex to come back too.  i don’t think it is a biological/medical issue.  i think it is a relationship issue.

we talked about my divorce and “the incident” with my mom too.  as i finished the story of how my mom wouldn’t help me, Karen asked how i felt.  i didn’t know.  i am still not sure.  i didn’t feel hurt.  i didn’t feel scared.  i didn’t feel angry.  but it wasn’t numb either.  the feeling was small, but i can’t put an adjective to it.  it did seem as though i was realizing i was more effected by my divorce and “the incident” than i had previously realized.  patrick is a nice guy.  i am not mad at him.  my disappointment at his giving up has even faded (i think he gave up in the face of change, but i don’t think he was a bad person for it).  and my mom, well…my mom.  her favorite child, Carly, has moved to utah.  i am sure she will visit her, have some reason whey it made perfect sense to visit her and not me.  but whatever. Karen stated that i was a survivor.  in the face of all this hurt,  i have marched on.  i told her i didn’t know what else TO do.  you can’t just refuse to get out of bed.  she said that was rare.  she suggested, considering the failed/damaged relationships, perhaps i was a little more apprehensive to engage than most.  it certainly feels like i just haven’t met the right person, but since i have meet a lot of awesome people, she may be right.  so i need to learn to recognize the hurt and work around it to give a relationship and try and get to a point of being vulnerable and finding someone that will help me with the things i’d like help with.

i like where this is going.  i feel like i am learning things about myself.  i feel like i am working towards skills to change my relationship patterns.  i look forward to it.

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