i wish i could thought blog.  often when i am driving around, i have this grand things to say, but then i get home and in front of my computer and i can’t remember them.  and i am crazy busy.

i believe, subconsciously, i have decided to work my butt off, take all the OT offered, to pay down debt and put myself into a better position.  that may seem odd as i bought a new car last weekend.  but, it works like this….i have one “major” credit card with an embarrassing balance, school loans and the car loan.  before the car, i had balances on a “minor” credit card and my amex.  i sold my mini to my friend Kyle, paid off the amex and “minor” credit card.  i can now put the majority of my fuel allowance towards either my car loan or my “major” credit card.  that is like $750/mo!  as long as i am still in school my loans are deferred.  sure, if i lose my job i am screwed, but i have do what i can to move forward and the mini had almost 100k miles, which was the end of the warranty.  anyhow, i feel good about where i am and where i am going financially.  now i just need a couple of days off to finish my teeth adventure and talk to my retirement company about my retirement plan and matching.

i have realized that i have NO clue how to date.  zip.  let’s go through my dating history….

David – High School Boyfriend: Sat behind me in Humanities, friends for a while
Erik – Boy I lost my virginity to: Nice Jewish boy at Stanford Summer school
John – Electrician I dated in LA: Met at a club, mostly sexually based
Patrick – Ex-husband: Attracted to him because he worked on scooters (and was hot), didn’t want to “date”, impetuously agreed to marry him (good move)
Andreas – Rebound: Looking to get laid, end up in a “relationship”, went on TOO long (sex was brilliant)
Ross – “Stress reduction partner”: “Huh, never would have expected we would end up falling in love” (we both said that, was NOT looking for relationship, different phases of life)
Various other boys I have played with: Mostly sex partners, you know, fun (some i spent more time with than simply playtime, but i still knew they were just playmates)

so, see?  no real dating experience.  never really looking for a boyfriend, those i ended up in “relationships” with we completely by accident. and, at least in some cases, were probably not the best choices because when i met them and considered them as partners, i was thinking lover not boyfriend.  and yes, there IS a difference.  andreas had LOTS of red flags when i met him.  i ignored them because they weren’t relevant.  should have stuck to my guns.  ross had a better outcome, but i still didn’t get a boyfriend even though we were dating.

everyone says, “be friends first”.  I AM A HOSPICE NURSE!  WHERE I AM SUPPOSE TO MAKE FRIENDS?!  and by that i mean, not a big chance of meeting men at work.  (i want a boyfriend, not a girlfriend, sorry ladies).  i realize that i need to get out more.  go places i could meet boys.  like, book readings or shows or art shows or that sort of stuff.  but that doesn’t really provide the time to be “friends”. considering the dates i have been on lately, i do know that i am going to go with my instinct.  if i don’t feel it, i don’t feel it.  i think i should do two dates, because i can be intimidating and men do act strange on first dates look at patrick!), but if there isn’t a spark, there isn’t.   i try to take deep breaths.  i need to find a balance of time between the various things in my life.  work, sleep, eat, exercise, life.  there just don’t seem to be enough hours in a day.  i sure had it easy at HP.

i hope i am not deluding myself.  i hope there isn’t something i am missing that is really important and i just don’t realize it.  oops, after my bedtime.