Monthly Archives: January 2014

mgmt bites

i believe my management is trying to tell me to chart on my own time.  they have been saying we can’t have ANY overtime, and yet i had 2 admits in the hospital this week (which take extra long), plus picked up a new pt from my coworker creepy guy (who couldn’t remember anything about the pt).  and tonight i had a death.  i happen to be there for it.  i was dropping off medication.  i am sure i will get “talked to” about it.  i have talked to other nurses, they basically work on their own time or cut their visits short.  charting at the pt is not practical as logging on takes about 10 min, and with most pts there is no “sitting at a table.”  i want to work for a hospice organization that gives us tablets.  checking boxes while at the pt’s house would be awesome.  detail could be added quickly at a later time.  anyhow, i love my job, i was very glad i was there for my pt family today.  it was a different experience.  i wish i could go into it, but i can’t.  ask me next time we have coffee and perhaps i can give a generic example.  but how do i deal with mgmt that is giving us more of a load than is reasonable to complete in the 40hrs a week we are given?  do i go to HR and ask if what they are doing is legal?  i can’t imagine them firing me, my pts have rave things to say and the case managers at the hospital love working with me.  but i don’t think it is about being rational.  how do i deal with this?  grin and bare it because i love my pts?  isn’t that letting mgmt abuse me?  i am not good at that.  rock the boat and put myself at risk?  another issue, the rule “you must chart at the office”  i have asked other nurses about the rule.  one heard about the rule and ignores it.  the other two had not heard of it.  our TL tracks our comings and goings.  seems punitive to me.  and a pain in the arse.  pick your battles, i know.  but i worry if i give too much, too early, it will be a harder battle later.

the boy search still not going well.  invited a male friend to see “Brazil” with me (damn that is a fine movie).  but it was a school night and we were both tired after.  and still, i am not sure i am really into him.  he seems a very good candidate, expect i am just not into him.  i am just not sure that is anything how it works at this late stage.  and yet, i have confirmed for myself that i will NOT settle.  i will find someone that thrills me.  i find myself longing for someone to simply share my day with, to relax into.  do i want them to be loving and fun and good in bed and smart.  heck yeah!  but i would really like someone to relax with.  am i overly full to constantly moving emotions?  isn’t everyone like this?  i envy my friends that have been married a long time.  i just need to keep breathing and keep saying to myself “there will come a time.”

meh.  there was more to say, but my old brain can’t remember now.

thought typing

i wish i could thought blog.  often when i am driving around, i have this grand things to say, but then i get home and in front of my computer and i can’t remember them.  and i am crazy busy.

i believe, subconsciously, i have decided to work my butt off, take all the OT offered, to pay down debt and put myself into a better position.  that may seem odd as i bought a new car last weekend.  but, it works like this….i have one “major” credit card with an embarrassing balance, school loans and the car loan.  before the car, i had balances on a “minor” credit card and my amex.  i sold my mini to my friend Kyle, paid off the amex and “minor” credit card.  i can now put the majority of my fuel allowance towards either my car loan or my “major” credit card.  that is like $750/mo!  as long as i am still in school my loans are deferred.  sure, if i lose my job i am screwed, but i have do what i can to move forward and the mini had almost 100k miles, which was the end of the warranty.  anyhow, i feel good about where i am and where i am going financially.  now i just need a couple of days off to finish my teeth adventure and talk to my retirement company about my retirement plan and matching.

i have realized that i have NO clue how to date.  zip.  let’s go through my dating history….

David – High School Boyfriend: Sat behind me in Humanities, friends for a while
Erik – Boy I lost my virginity to: Nice Jewish boy at Stanford Summer school
John – Electrician I dated in LA: Met at a club, mostly sexually based
Patrick – Ex-husband: Attracted to him because he worked on scooters (and was hot), didn’t want to “date”, impetuously agreed to marry him (good move)
Andreas – Rebound: Looking to get laid, end up in a “relationship”, went on TOO long (sex was brilliant)
Ross – “Stress reduction partner”: “Huh, never would have expected we would end up falling in love” (we both said that, was NOT looking for relationship, different phases of life)
Various other boys I have played with: Mostly sex partners, you know, fun (some i spent more time with than simply playtime, but i still knew they were just playmates)

so, see?  no real dating experience.  never really looking for a boyfriend, those i ended up in “relationships” with we completely by accident. and, at least in some cases, were probably not the best choices because when i met them and considered them as partners, i was thinking lover not boyfriend.  and yes, there IS a difference.  andreas had LOTS of red flags when i met him.  i ignored them because they weren’t relevant.  should have stuck to my guns.  ross had a better outcome, but i still didn’t get a boyfriend even though we were dating.

everyone says, “be friends first”.  I AM A HOSPICE NURSE!  WHERE I AM SUPPOSE TO MAKE FRIENDS?!  and by that i mean, not a big chance of meeting men at work.  (i want a boyfriend, not a girlfriend, sorry ladies).  i realize that i need to get out more.  go places i could meet boys.  like, book readings or shows or art shows or that sort of stuff.  but that doesn’t really provide the time to be “friends”. considering the dates i have been on lately, i do know that i am going to go with my instinct.  if i don’t feel it, i don’t feel it.  i think i should do two dates, because i can be intimidating and men do act strange on first dates look at patrick!), but if there isn’t a spark, there isn’t.   i try to take deep breaths.  i need to find a balance of time between the various things in my life.  work, sleep, eat, exercise, life.  there just don’t seem to be enough hours in a day.  i sure had it easy at HP.

i hope i am not deluding myself.  i hope there isn’t something i am missing that is really important and i just don’t realize it.  oops, after my bedtime.