oh my goodness

so i was in NYC this last week with my friend jonathan.  we met online when i was back in SF.  he got his masters at UT so he knows a bunch of people here.  i know a bunch of people here because he knows a bunch of people here.  nyc was nice.  i had lunch with friends, saw a bit of museums, did an itty-bitty amount of shopping (my fashion mecca – bloomingdales), went to dinner, saw an interactive play loosely based on Macbeth, called “see no more” and had sex.  jonathan and i talked a bunch about why we are the way we are.  i tried to explain to him, as nice as possible, what i found frustrating about him (he is always trying to fix things that aren’t broken).  he admitted that on our first date he tried SO hard for me to like him.  he also said, a number of times, that he couldn’t believe that i was there with him.  i get this a lot.  i’m awesome, i get it.  i even agree.  but i am not some fantasy female.  that, has everything, perfect female.  i am human and i need to be loved….just like everybody else does.  but i feel like a sexual object.  which is not surprising considering i am a very sexual person.  but i feel like, because i am sex-positive, and i am vocal about it, it has become all i am.  yes, people want to hang out with me, but they are also hoping hanging out with me will also mean having sex with me.  i want someone to like me because hanging out with me will also mean talking about economic policy or advancements in medicine or nursing.  i’d like to hang out because of me the intellectual person, not me the sexual person.  and it isn’t like people don’t get the chance to hear about that heather.  i talk about that stuff all the time!  i am INCREDIBLY proud to be a nurse.

i think i would like to move to NYC.   i would need to finish my BSN, but i could move when that was done.  i mentioned this to Jonathan and he said he wanted to move to NYC, and asked if i would move there with him.  seems a bit fast.  it would be odd to move in with someone that i wasn’t previously dating in the same town i lived in.  though perhaps he just meant that we would “automatically” date but not live together.  whatever.  it is nice to be wanted.  though i also feel like he likes for this person he thinks i am, not me.  perhaps i will stick with my plan to move to new orleans.

i have been thinking that i should just commit, and broadcast, that i am not going to have sex with anyone for 6 months.  two issues with that…one, i fear that my male social contacts would dry up toute suite!  which would make me sad. and two, there are a couple of people i enjoy having sex with.  of course, maybe that is part of the problem. i dunno.  i just feel like i have to do something to change people’s, especially men’s, idea of who i am.

One thought on “oh my goodness

  1. Hey, I seem to remember having lots a good conversations with you over coffee with no expectation of sex, I really valued that. I’m sorry to hear that other people in your life are mainly sex focused and not appreciative of your many other great qualities.

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