dying of CHF, or your heart failing, is horrible.  or it can be.  your lungs can fill with fluid.  things start to fall apart inside so blood starts to spew out.  it can bubble up your nose.  and yet, your body keeps trying.  the system is strong!  but finally, thankfully, it stops, and you rest.

tuesday was rough.

i really would have liked to have someone to come home to tuesday night.  i went to bed early.  i was exhausted.  i hugged “ross'” blanket (he is a heater so he had his own light blanket) for comfort.  it doesn’t smell like him anymore, but it was nice.  i was afraid i would have nightmares.  i was afraid to go to sleep.  but i had an interesting dream instead.  i visited my friend mandie, she had a phone she was selling.  it wasn’t an apple, but she said it was awesome.  and it was.  it had a really big screen and could display tons of stuff all at once.  somehow it seemed intuitive.  i took it with me to give it a try.  as i was walking home i walked through a department store (the macy’s on union square, though it wasn’t called that) and came across a display of skirts for men, except it said, “jupes pour homme”.  they were gorgeous!  i wanted to get a photo for ross (though i realize he doesn’t wear skirts, he wears kilts).  then all of a sudden there were a bunch of guys, all dressed hip hop style, looking at the skirts.  there were so many of them i couldn’t really get a photo.  it was a nice dream.

tonight i had to stay home from NN to do an admit.  that bummed me out.  i wanted to get out of the house really bad.  my eval is tomorrow and i am going to talk to them about all the driving i have to do.  there was no way i could see the pts i needed to see today and do an admit that suddenly popped, within my 8 hours.  if this continues like this, i am going to get burned out.  anyhow.  i wished that i had a loved one that would come home and come into my office and kiss me on the head and ask what wonderful nurse things i did today.  you can’t really wish for those sorts of things though.  it doesn’t work that way.  but i sure would like that.

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