so, when i talk about why i ended things with boy toy, i talk about wanting him to go out into the world and find himself. how i began to feel that i was holding him back. we had a very nice thing going on. very comfortable, very nice, very easy. and i do want him to find himself, and i honestly don’t think that will happen in austin. but anyhow, there is more to the reason i ended it, more of the real reason…see, i wanted to come home to him. i wanted him to come home to me. having him crawl into bed with me was just the best. i wanted more of that. but that wasn’t the deal. the deal was no requirements. no requests. i asked a couple of things, a couple of times, but even those didn’t really work. the comfort was the easy. the easy was part of why so much comfort. and i really wanted to change the easy. i wanted requirements. which weren’t really requirements in my book, just needs in a relationship. but from the outside that is what they were. if things don’t grow organically, well. my friend mathew would say, and probably lots of relationship gurus, that you have to ask for what you want. and i agree, within the context. there was no context. that wasn’t the point of the relationship in the first place. but what i really wanted was to have him come home to me. and that just wasn’t right, so i figured i had to get out before it got too hard. before i started to say and expect things wrong. no reason to ruin a wonderful connection with unreasonable unmet expectations. man though, i sure miss him.
so my friend Mathew left a comment on my last post that i shouldn’t think of it as wasting my time. that time you enjoy is not wasted. it then dawned on me that it is possible some of my lovers might have been offended. i am sorry if it felt that way. i am not discounting for a moment(!) the wonderfulness of my lovers time and touch. they wouldn’t be my lovers if i didn’t enjoy my time with them (we aren’t talking dozens of people here, but i want to keep the pronouns generic and vague). i wouldn’t spend any time with them if i didn’t derive some joy from it. i say ‘wasting my time” because i am thinking about my future. i am thinking about my limited free time and, as a previous process engineer, how to maximize the probability of meeting some “who really loves you.”* the reason i use the phrase “wasting my time” is because i SHOULD be focusing on meeting new people, instead of pleasuring myself (and others) with people i don’t have a romantic future with. though i understand the idea that humans need touch, playing with people i have no romanic future with is starting to leave me sad. it is fun while i am there, and it feels good, but i feel sad when i go home. which sort blows my mind because i have always been so “sex is fun”. but perhaps that is because i have always had a boyfriend/husband, since i started having sex.
i am trying really hard with the mantra “You’ve got time” but i am starting to panic. i have never been so envious of my friends around me. the ones in happy relationships. it is not one of those “why won’t someone love me” things. someone will, i just have to find them. i am not even surprised by not being asked out. i intimidate people and i give off this vibe that i don’t need anyone. but i can’t figure out how to change the vibe while still being me.
my lovers are all wonderful in their unique ways. i seek their time, and touch, because of the greatness that comes of our play. but, for one reason or another, they are not available as romantic partners. i end up filling too many hours with them, and not enough working to find “somebody who really loves you.”* i am trying to be disciplined in what i really long for, a partner.
(perhaps the problem is my lovers are too wonderful (certainly the case for boy toy, who was more than a lover really) thus making it too easy to spend so much time with them?)
*The Smiths, “How Soon is Now?”, 1985
i continue to waste my time. i waste my time with people that are only periodic in my life. mind you, i greatly enjoy the time i waste, but it is wasted. i spent last evening with an old lover. it was a lovely evening. we waxed on about life and love and paris. and then we touched. i was even asked for the touch (which is terribly rare in this case), which was flattering. and the touching was wonderful. oh my it was so nice. it was almost a shame to move on from there. but ultimately, after a delightful evening, i am left with no potential for the future and another night having missed the chance to meet someone new.
i just ended a delightful relationship that had no future, so why waste my time with others? is it because i am so good at it? as hard working as i am, i think i am sort of lazy. i am very good at being the perfect girlfriend. i am smart, attractive, good in bed and i don’t really ask for anything in return. it is this part i play so well. and it feels good. perhaps what i am is a lover, not a perfect girlfriend. it has always seemed to me that a lover was less involved, but perhaps the difference between girlfriend and lover is asking for things, not time. i don’t seem to get to the asking stage. that, or i over ask suddenly. most of my relationships have been instant on. of course, most of them have been initiated on the premise of simply being lovers, but then the time commitment got out of hand and it was more than that for me. and then, i didn’t get what i wanted. i got things that were nice, things that are nice, but not what i want.
perhaps i don’t know how to be in a relationship where i ask for the things i want. the two, adult relationships, i have been in, where i thought i was asking for what i wanted, were patrick and andreas. and neither of those really worked out. perhaps i am afraid to ask for what i want, because i know i don’t do it well, so i am too scared to try. perhaps, these pleasing interludes, where i play “lover+” are all i think i can do. you know, deep down inside.
i have always considered myself as being mostly self-actualized. but maybe that isn’t the case. maybe there is some HUGE secret hidden deep down inside me that no one has even glimpsed. that would be terrifying. though, part of me thinks it would be exciting.
a beautiful presentation, stimulating conversation, perhaps a meal, eroticism and then sex. sometimes i/they stay the night, sometimes not. it is beautiful and pleasing. often it is not orgasmic, but it feels beautiful. and yet, it seems like a waste of time, if what i want is something else entirely.
around and around i go. perhaps this is how it should be. perhaps these are the best relationships for me. if it weren’t my own blog, i would tell myself to shut-up. but my readers, who are left, can simply roll their eyes and say, “she is on about that again.” but i believe, if i keep facing it, i will start to recognize it earlier. i will start to resist the urge to say “yes” to an evening with someone whom i only hear from periodically, even if i greatly enjoy the time i spend. i don’t regret any of my evenings, but, if what i really want something more, i have to give something more a chance.
i really loved my job, until today. my mgmt doesn’t trust me. they want me to come into the office to chart. i asked why and my team lead said so she could help me, “You are a new hospice nurse.” i asked if that meant she would sit with me to chart. she scoffed. it just says they don’t trust me. i don’t want to work for people that don’t trust me. they probably don’t want me very much either. this makes me profoundly said. i really love my patients. they are wonderful people that i love to get the chance to help. i am seriously bummed.
i had previously had a number of relationship ideas to share. but all of a sudden i can’t think of what they are. today has made me so sad, i don’t seem to remember anything passed about 1500.
dying of CHF, or your heart failing, is horrible. or it can be. your lungs can fill with fluid. things start to fall apart inside so blood starts to spew out. it can bubble up your nose. and yet, your body keeps trying. the system is strong! but finally, thankfully, it stops, and you rest.
tuesday was rough.
i really would have liked to have someone to come home to tuesday night. i went to bed early. i was exhausted. i hugged “ross'” blanket (he is a heater so he had his own light blanket) for comfort. it doesn’t smell like him anymore, but it was nice. i was afraid i would have nightmares. i was afraid to go to sleep. but i had an interesting dream instead. i visited my friend mandie, she had a phone she was selling. it wasn’t an apple, but she said it was awesome. and it was. it had a really big screen and could display tons of stuff all at once. somehow it seemed intuitive. i took it with me to give it a try. as i was walking home i walked through a department store (the macy’s on union square, though it wasn’t called that) and came across a display of skirts for men, except it said, “jupes pour homme”. they were gorgeous! i wanted to get a photo for ross (though i realize he doesn’t wear skirts, he wears kilts). then all of a sudden there were a bunch of guys, all dressed hip hop style, looking at the skirts. there were so many of them i couldn’t really get a photo. it was a nice dream.
tonight i had to stay home from NN to do an admit. that bummed me out. i wanted to get out of the house really bad. my eval is tomorrow and i am going to talk to them about all the driving i have to do. there was no way i could see the pts i needed to see today and do an admit that suddenly popped, within my 8 hours. if this continues like this, i am going to get burned out. anyhow. i wished that i had a loved one that would come home and come into my office and kiss me on the head and ask what wonderful nurse things i did today. you can’t really wish for those sorts of things though. it doesn’t work that way. but i sure would like that.
(not necessarily in order)
pros: smart, attractive, independent, hard-working, good in bed, baker, adorable (style and hobbies), loyal, strong, supportive (i believe in you).
cons: doesn’t stop (mostly) i will push to resolution that satisfies me (which does not necessarily mean getting my way all the time), questions everything – which is generally a quest to understand things, but often comes across as challenging and/or disapproving, sexually needy (this can be an issue, trust me), my body is getting soft and my job is making it difficult to fight that, my job is really important and i have to miss things a lot, music snob, does not manage my own money well (great with others), sometimes i don’t realize i am stressed and i take it out on other people, i have never dated anyone that pushed back (i wish people would, in a nice way, of course), style is important to me, i often attack weak women (they just rub me the wrong way, as i realize i do this, i just try to avoid them now), my families major form of communication has always been sarcasm.
am i missing anything, readers who know me well? i would like to get a good list so i can warn potential boyfriends of what they are in for.