i think i prefer being the one that gets broken up with.  at least then you feel like you have a right to your emotions.  ross showed up at the coffee shop tonight.  i have taken to walking to cenote after dinner.  it gets me about 5500 steps.  anyhow, he knew i was there.  he appears before me and says “i was in the neighborhood so i thought i would drop by.”  and then he hands me my key.  my heart sank.  i made the right decision.  he needs to leave town and find himself.  i need to find someone that wants to build a history with me.  but i don’t like it.  i don’t have to like it.  did patrick like leaving me?  andreas certainly did.  but he doesn’t count.  perhaps the key to breaking up is being miserable.  then you feel better leaving.  right now, since i ended it with ross, i have felt nothing but hopeless and alone.  YES I KNOW, there are people who would like to date me!  but i don’t feel anything for anyone.  seeing ross made me smile.  seeing him always makes me smile.  and then BLAM!  but, it was my decision so i don’t get to feel bad about it.

i have a new job that i love.  i am one of those people that loves to go to work.  i am one of those people that thinks, if you hate your job, you should do something else.  mind you, i just squeaked by financially.  perhaps others would not squeak by and it wouldn’t be worth it.  and yet, it makes such a huge difference to not dread going to work, not eagerly awaiting the end of the day.  that feels awesome.  does this all come back to the meaning of life?  i think it does.  that damned question again.

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