1:  felt in or as if in the internal organs of the body :  deep <avisceral conviction>

2:  not intellectual :  instinctive, unreasoning <visceral drives>

3:  dealing with crude or elemental emotions :  earthy <avisceral novel>

4:  of, relating to, or located on or among the viscera : splanchnic <visceral organs>

as cheesy as it sounds, i feel a desire to connect viscerally.  one of the wonderful things about boytoy was (is…i mean, he isn’t dead) that we can talk economics.  we can talk about the fucked-up’ness we see in the world.   we don’t agree 100% but we have similar views.  we don’t get upset at each other when we don’t agree.  he teaches  me a lot because he researches a lot.  and i miss that.  i don’t think my decision was a mistake, but i sure miss the connection.  our pillow talk was econ-dorky as hell.  and maybe the next boy i date won’t be econ dorky, but he will have to be something dorky.  patrick was.  andreas wasn’t. andreas didn’t like serious topics.  he only likes fun.  which makes him really fun, but i think i have just realized that was why i was never completely comfortable with him.  ANYHOW…

do i know how to feel for myself anymore?  becoming a nurse has cast me into a job where i spend my workday feeling for other people.  perhaps, by the time i get home at night, i don’t have the energy to feel for myself anymore.  i have noticed, whereas i previous would always jump to supporting a friend in some endeavor, lately, i want to keep things to myself.  an example, i often have friends ask me to accompany them to things that make them nervous.  recently a friend asked me to go to a rope event with her.  previously, i would have said “yes, totally” even though i am not big on rope.  this week, i said no.  i have other things i want to do this weekend.  things for me.  i did say i had a bunch of friends in the rope community and i would be happy to introduce her to them.  i feel a bit guilty about this.  aren’t we supposed to support our friends no matter what?  that is certainly what i would like my friends to do for me (within reason, of course).  but i don’t have time.  i don’t have time to put my friends needs first and still have time to just relax.  and perhaps that explains part of why i ended my romance with boytoy.  i didn’t have time to enjoy what we had, but to also look for what i really need.

but do i feel?  as i think about dating i think logically.  i look at a boy and think “what are he good qualities?  what are his bad qualities?  is he enough of the things i want?”  perhaps what i should really do is just try.  and yet, i feel no passion for any of the men i meet.  there is no bit of excitement i feel when i think of them.  i think of them in terms of an equation.  “will the work or won’t they?”  that doesn’t seem right.  i imagine a passionate kiss.  i even almost feel what it would be like.  that is where the visceral comes in.  but i don’t see anyone in particular in that picture.  have my reality and my inner self become so disconnected?  this is going to sound “woohoo” but perhaps i need to focus on yoga more.  i have this feeling that would help.