i did it

i have become that beautiful, smart (enough) and cool person that we all want to be.  alas, it isn’t turning out as fabulous as i thought it would be.  it would be wrong of me to just flat out complain about it.   there are SO many things about my life that are awesome.  i was saying to boytoy recently that my life is really pretty perfect.  not perfectly perfect.  my sleep patterns suck.  i am in debt up to my ears (which is all my fault, so i am not actually complaining about it). i don’t eat right or get enough exercise.  i am not the best nurse i can be (yet).  i don’t have a life partner.  but i have a wonderful boytoy, a new career that i LOVE LOVE LOVE (and MAN, does THAT make me feel lucky), a great place to live, 3 awesome scooters, i am beautiful (which is an important thing to think about oneself), i have a wonderful group of friends who make me feel very accepted, i throw a fabulous theme party once a quarter, i am healthy (with minor exceptions), NIN just released a new single and will be on tour soon, etc.  there are more things.  i really can’t complain about anything about my own life.  the goods things are great and the bad things are things that i should be able to fix myself.  there are things about the world i don’t like.  frustrations i wish i could effect.  more people i wish i could help.  but there are still things i want.  some things i even think are needs.

i thought being beautiful, smart (enough) and cool would mean satisfaction. but it doesn’t.  which i should have known.  if it looks too good to be true, it usually is.  in fact, i have never known it not to be.  whenever i see something perfect, some couple that seems perfect, some job, some game, some dress, i know better.  does this mean i am tainted?  is this just being bitter?  i don’t think so.  it doesn’t so much make me sad, or anything.  i don’t feel “true love is a myth”.  i just think it is not exactly what people think it is.  i read people well, and we all have our flaws.  therefore, i should have known having a perfect life isn’t as good as it sounds.  you might say i am missing the definition of perfect, but i don’t think i am (man, i sure disagree with you a lot).

make a wish list, she suggested.

  • someone that wants to hang out with me AND my friends (and their friends too)
  • someone i am sexually compatible with (bonus points for running KS with me) and wants to explore increasing out pleasure
  • someone that wants to talk about our inner wishes, secrets, demons and ideas
  • someone to just “be” with sometimes
  • someone that knows i am strong but not unbreakable, that i have fears and foibles
  • someone that will talk to me about my foibles and fears, support me in fighting them
  • someone that will let issues be known, instead of suppressing them

people see me as this crazy strong, need nothing, girl.  and that is absurd.  those people don’t exist.  though it seems that i am one of few people that realize that.  it sure would be nice if they did.  then i could work towards being one of them.  but they don’t.  yes, we should ask for help when we need it.  our need may not be so obvious.  but i also feel like good friends should be looking at us more closely.  perhaps i am being unreasonable, since i read people so well.  i feel that good friends should see your need, even if vaguely, and get involved.  work hard to help.  take the time to sit down and help you get to the bottom of it.  if i were that crazy strong, need nothing, girl, i’d figure it out myself and ask, but i am not.  because they don’t exist.  i want someone that will help me ask for what i need.

1 thought on “i did it

  1. I remember thinking that being a beautiful smart cool woman would make relationships so much easier, be a fast track to happiness. Then I got to know beautiful smart cool women who were really depressed, and learned that they didn’t find it any easier to get a decent date than anyone else.

    So yeah, I think finding out why people perceive you as crazy strong need nothing girl is probably key.

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