we got the PCR back and the pt’s viral load was nothing.  zip, zilch, zero.  this suggests STRONGLY a false positive.  the powers that be are still going to test my PCR for hep c when i get tested in 6 weeks and 3 months.  but chances are ultra thin and i am not sweating it. just wish i could donate blood.  you all DO realize that you SAVE SOMEONE’S LIFE by donating blood, right?   how often can you say you do that at the regular office?

saw my therapist today for the first time since i graduated.  i wanted to talk to her about how i felt about being a nurse.  i wanted to talk about my experience with other nurses.  she made some awesome observations.  she pointed out it says a lot that, though i have a horrible drive, work nights, work with nasty nurses and am just in an unhealthy environment, i love what i do and that could mean something amazing if i found the right place.  she commented on my orientation on the relationship aspect of my work.  i am a good nurse.  the technical stuff is coming along.  but the super-duper thing i do is treat the patient emotionally.  i connect with them.  i look at what they are experiencing and try to nurse that.  she commented that she teaches people that, and yet it is just what i do.  i REALIZE that my prioritization might not be as acute as it should be, but i also think my coworkers step away from their patient’s emotionally too much.  perhaps with time i will learn i need to as well.  but i don’t want to.  that i put my chartering last is the RIGHT thing to do.  i just need to find the right place where i get to spend the time with my patients that let’s me be the nurse i want to be.  perhaps hospice is the right place for me.  i would miss the science of disease (not as morbid as it sounds), but i would get to treat my patient’s more.  it gave me hope.  also, if i find a job locally, even if there are nasty nurses there, at least i am not driving and hour and will get to sleep in my own bed again.  one less stressor.  she commented that it would be great to have national health care so i could keep my great policy and just take a bunch of PRN jobs so i could find a place i really liked (then apply full-time there).  it is a really good idea.  if i didn’t have so many debt payments to make i would seriously consider that.

going to dinner with a boy i met at a dating event earlier this week.  he was actually only there to support his ex-girlfriend who was hosting it.  but he was interesting and attractive.  i need to find someone that is a complete relationship.  i am tired of feeling like i am playing a part for the men in my life (perhaps that means i should date women?  i am just not that into girls).  i want to be whole in a relationship.

i know that i am a priority in boytoy’s life.  i know that he enjoys my company in more than simply in a sexual way.  but i am not enough.  or rather, what i am is not enough for me.  same with my other lover.  i play a part for him.  it is a nice part to play.  i am honored and delighted to mean what i do to both of the men in my life.  but i want more.  i don’t want more from either boytoy or the other.  that would be inappropriate of me.  our relationships were structured in a certain way and it would be inappropriate of me to try and change that.  i really don’t think it would work either.  at the same time, i need to stop being so flexible for these gentlemen.  they have no idea how i bend.  and i do not blame them for a MOMENT that i do.  it is all me.  this isn’t even one of those situations where they should know better.  i make these choices.  and then i get mad at myself for doing it.  i am still mad at myself for the last party.  i ALMOST didn’t go out tonight because i wanted to be available.  but then i made myself.  i made myself consider the possibility with someone new as being more important than the pleasantry of something familiar.  but i feel like i walk a fine line.  i have made some unspoken commitments in the relationships that i have.  i want to honor them.  but i feel like i can’t just keep treading water.  i need a deadline.  with the plans i have so far, perhaps i should say april 15th.  let tax day be the deadline.