i am snuggled in my “not as fresh as they were yesterday” (wink wink) sheets reading and snacking and facebooking and snuggling down in my fluffy sheets. and i DON’T want to go to work. at all. is it nursing? when i think about being on the floor with my patients, that feels good. i really like (the vast majority of) my patients. i wonder about the cutest couple on earth. will they be gone when i get there today? i worry about who i will be working with. and then there is the drive. my car tires are low and i need to put air in them before i leave. i hate doing that. i hate having to drive so much. i like my floor, i just need mass transit and some nicer coworkers. i just wanna stay snuggled down in my bed all afternoon and night.
it just is.
there are two men that i am intimate with these days. i have known both for a number of years. one i have been playing with, off and on, since shortly after we met. the other i have been playing with, quite steadily, for the last, gulp, 18 months. i enjoy time with both. and they both seem to want my time. occasionally i have to balance time with the two. but mostly it is easy. our relationships are deeper than just friends, yet neither are truly suitors. when we are together, at least for me, there is a comfortable intimacy similar to a committed partner, but there is no commitment. i do want commitment, though i do not think it would be with either of these wonderful fellows (and i do honestly say they are wonderful). but what i have is nice, very nice. but i also think i need to give them up. but i am afraid to give up what i have, for nothing until i meet someone new. my time is limited and i, gladly, give it to these gentlemen. leaving no time for others. i am sorry, as i have talked about this quite a bit recently, but i need to keep saying it so i can make it happen. but not until the end of march. i have plans through then.
i believe that i am worthy of love and belonging. i’ve wondered, sometimes, why I can’t seem to experience it. but I am totally worth it. everyone is (except maybe sociopaths, but that is another blog).
am i not compassionate? compassion: sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it. sometimes i may be hard. sometimes i may not let my friends mourn or moan when i don’t think it is useful or warranted, but it is with the intent of helping them feel better ultimately. so far, in my life, 90% of the people i have been hard with have come back and said, “heather, you were really there for me.” it fucking HURTS, because i spend a lot of time losing friends, but i know that i have helped them and THAT is the right thing to do.
letting go of who i think i should be to be who i am is a tough one. i am aware of the things that i have done in previous relationships that have made them hard for my partner and me. i also know who i am. i don’t want to fight it though i do want to have more successful intimate relationships. i think if you ask my friends, the vast majority would say i am who i am and don’t pretend otherwise. whether i need help or not, i am still who i am. and is it that i don’t ever show need? or is it that the way i show need is so straightforward and honest that people don’t notice it? in this TED talk that people have been recommending, the talker, uh, presenter, talks about shame being the fear that if people know certain things about us they will find us unworthy. i can think of a topic or two that i have that fear, but i think most people show their need in a defensive place because of shame. i don’t. i just state things. i have a friend who had the courage to move to Europe, because though he saw me as this incredibly self-assured person, one day i also, very plainly, mentioned how i really hoped that my department liked me and would offer me a job (i was an intern). he said (paraphrasing) that he realized you could believe in yourself and still want. he then applied for that job and moved to europe to work.
i don’t want a partner who needs me. who can’t do something, be something, or achieve something without me. i want someone who WANTS to be with me. does this mean that they can take me or leave me? hell no. their life would be a less fulfilled, less happy and less exciting without me. they would live. i would live. it would take a while to get over me. but we would both go on. we’d just rather not without the other. THAT is what i want. is it semantics? am i defining the word “need” differently than everyone else? in a committed relationship, there are certainly times when one “needs” their partner to take the lead, carry you, be the stronger one. and if they can’t/don’t/won’t, well, you’ll live. they’ll live. i’ll live. i always have. it hasn’t been fun. it made things harder. i don’t want to do it again, but sometimes it just works that way. your partner isn’t guaranteed forever, so sometimes you just have to take care of yourself. anyone that thinks that means that i don’t have needs, well, i just find that sort of silly.