i use to be a very emotional person. at least i think i was. people who have known me a long time, please report back. now, it seems, i am cold and unfeeling. i hear this from a number of people. apparently, i am good at anger and annoyance, but nothing else. well passion. i am good at passion, but nothing else. when i broke down in the therapist’s office, over my parents being reluctant to help me at the end of school, my therapist seemed surprised. people are certainly surprised when i tell them about it. i came UNGLUED. just cried uncontrollably. anyhow, i do generally keep my emotions to myself as much as possible. i have certainly not been overly effusive about anyone intimately since patrick and i split. of course, i haven’t meet anyone i just totally fell for. generally it has been lust since my divorce. did my divorce break me that way? am i afraid to love and effuse because of what happened with patrick? or is it simply that i haven’t met anyone effuse-worthy? or have i ignored possibilities because i am broken? i do realize that i have gotten more matter-of-fact in my older age. but doesn’t everyone? i like the idea of being in love. i like the idea of butterflied in the stomach and longing to see someone again. but at the same time…do i actually believe that is a good idea? the two boys i can think of being interested in dating both have girlfriends, and even if they didn’t, i don’t know that they would want to date me (pretty confident they would want to have sex with me though…i am starting to think this is a problem…) as i have posted several times, my life is good, i really can’t complain (with the exception of my teeth, but that is the next paragraph) and yet, it seems like things aren’t quite right. that perhaps i am heading for a fall. i guess i’ll just pick-up from there when it finally happens. i would really like to be in love.