i think i might be broken

i use to be a very emotional person.  at least i think i was.  people who have known me a long time, please report back.  now, it seems, i am cold and unfeeling.  i hear this from a number of people.  apparently, i am good at anger and annoyance, but nothing else.  well passion.  i am good at passion, but nothing else.  when i broke down in the therapist’s office, over my parents being reluctant to help me at the end of school, my therapist seemed surprised.  people are certainly surprised when i tell them about it.  i came UNGLUED.  just cried uncontrollably.  anyhow, i do generally keep my emotions to myself as much as possible.  i have certainly not been overly effusive about anyone intimately since patrick and i split.  of course, i haven’t meet anyone i just totally fell for.  generally it has been lust since my divorce.  did my divorce break me that way?  am i afraid to love and effuse because of what happened with patrick?  or is it simply that i haven’t met anyone effuse-worthy?  or have i ignored possibilities because i am broken?  i do realize that i have gotten more matter-of-fact in my older age.  but doesn’t everyone?  i like the idea of being in love.  i like the idea of butterflied in the stomach and longing to see someone again.  but at the same time…do i actually believe that is a good idea?  the two boys i can think of being interested in dating both have girlfriends, and even if they didn’t, i don’t know that they would want to date me (pretty confident they would want to have sex with me though…i am starting to think this is a problem…)  as i have posted several times, my life is good, i really can’t complain (with the exception of my teeth, but that is the next paragraph) and yet, it seems like things aren’t quite right.  that perhaps i am heading for a fall.  i guess i’ll just pick-up from there when it finally happens.  i would really like to be in love.

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