doing things right is very important to me. so important that i think sometimes i lose out of the experience of what i am going because i am trying so hard to do it right. i was taking blood from a pt this week and suddenly realized i wasn’t wearing gloves. i then put some on but wondered why i had forgotten that step. i think it is because i was concentrating so hard on doing it right. making sure that i was maintaining as much sterility as possible and doing it quickly. as i reflected on this i realized that happens to me a lot. of course, the next natural question is, how do i know what is “right”? i mean, isn’t wearing gloves to protect myself from exposure and pts from contaminants “right” too? in working on projects and in teams, i think i also super focused on doing the “right” thing. perhaps so much so that i missed other things just as “right”. or perhaps, it is as i have been accused in the past, and i am focusing in a black and white matter on what is “right”. let me just say now, i am awesome. as with most people, even my flaws are often the second side of the double edged sword of greatness. but, perhaps, this striving for “rightness’ (and i don’t mean this in the sense of “i am right and you are wrong” it is in the sense of doing things the most correct) is keeping me apart from experiencing things? focusing too broadly is harder for me though. well, not harder, slower. if i focus on what is “right” about an experience, then i focus more narrowly. then i can move more quickly through the steps that are not as “right”. but then i end up without gloves on. in the last couple of years i have considered that i am impatient. that i would have done much better in school and life if i had more patience. perhaps these things are tied together. of course, at this point in nursing, i am struggling to be faster and more efficient. and if i can just get all the “right” parts down, i will be. right? hm. i feel like there is something significant here, but it is just out of reach.
damn, i really need to update my photo. i’ll start getting back on that soon. my new digital camera should arrive soon (my old one broke and this was on sale at target)