Monthly Archives: August 2012

the swing of things

i need to eat better.  too much hospital food.  not enough fruit and barely any vegetables.  i actually think that has added to my feeling weird (health-wise).  since i have started working i have lost 5 pounds.  i believe this is as a result of being on my feet a lot and only eating 2 meals a day on average.  generally i sleep through a meal.  work is hard.  i am trying to ramp up to speed and i just don’t have the muscle memory yet.  i precepted with someone who was just incredibly frustrated by my slowness.  she also didn’t like the way i did some things.  it is very frustrating to me to be told to do it differently each time.  one cannot possibly satisfy everyone, but they seem to expect you too.  then there are the cliques.  i received feedback that i was too combative.  which doesn’t surprise me.  when people treat me poorly, especially those tasked with teaching me, i push back.  i don’t do things the way i do to annoy them or because i WANT to do it wrong.  i do it that way because i was taught to do it that way.  i am going to remain as an intern for 2 weeks longer than originally planned.  so is one of my other fellow interns.  which is fine with me, as long as they don’t decide it isn’t worth the trouble.  one of my fellow interns feels the same way i do about how we get treated.  but she isn’t A type so she just smiles and says, “ok.”  to me, the system won’t improve if we just take it.  not that i want my buddy to push back like i do.  we get through however we can.  i just don’t want to see this happen to others and i am not going to just sit and take it.  anyhow, i need to work on remembering everything i need BEFORE i go into the room.  ESPECIALLY if they are on isolation (because you have to gown up).  i want to spend more time with my patients too.  and right now, that just puts me further and further behind on my tasks.  but i am getting there and i really enjoy it. i have already gotten a personal shout-out by a patient’s wife.  she mentioned me by name.  awesome sauce!

yesterday was my birthday.  after i got off work, i went to breakfast with some of my coworkers.  they brought me a cake and flowers!  it was awesome!  i was supposed to go for tea and pedicures with my friends Sondra and Helen, but i couldn’t stay awake.  slept a while and then went to Master Pancake Theatre with Stacey.  (she and i are having a combined bday indian dinner and karaoke event tonight)  they mocked Fight Club.  wasn’t the nest mocking, but it was really fun.  also, i got picked from the audience to help with their activity!  i mocked Harry Potter!  and the entire audience wished me a happy birthday!  stacey and i went for sushi, then off to bed.  as you can see from the time, i have totally trashed my sleep schedule.  gonna have to fix that by monday night.  tonight is indian food and karaoke with 30 or so friends!  I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY!

life is good.  next week i fly to NYC to visit my friend matthew.  work is getting there.  money matters are still annoying (dental bills!), but i try just to be ok about it.  what will happen, will happen.  and though this post lacks the thrill and introspection i usually go for, i think that reflects well!

my feng shui is totally off

went to 80s night tonight to get some exercise, get some 80s and stay awake.  and yet, all the music felt off.  the place just did not click for me.  it made me feel sad.  so i went home.

boytoy is out of town getting is commercial pilot license.  it’s funny, i feel lonely without him.  which makes no sense, since he is a boytoy and not a boyfriend.  and i don’t think it is that i have been fooling myself.  i greatly enjoy ross’ company, but we are in SUCH different spaces.  i do wonder though, if distracting myself with him, to the extent that i do, is keeping me from something else?  a group of my female friends from school suggested that i need to stop hanging around with boys who i am not serious about give time to boys who COULD be serious.  not that there really are any of those right now.  and it seems to me that a girl who isn’t longing, is more attractive.  somehow more mellow, which would mean fewer social mistakes?  i have blogged about not really feeling the need for a partner, but is that because the edge is off hanging out with ross?  don’t get me wrong, i have no intention of putting off ross because i think it might be holding me back.  making myself feel desperate is not the formula for finding a boyfriend.  but, there are a couple of other gentlemen that would like to spend some time with me, and i wonder, is that a good idea?  i would certainly enjoy their company, but would it just be putting me off all that much more?  the two i have in mind, specifically, live out of state.  and though they have both show interest in me beyond a weekend, the fact is, they live out of state.  but intimacy is fun!  and shouldn’t life have as much fun as possible?  one might argue that i am sub-optimizing my fun.  taking the instant gratification route.  then there is kyle.  kyle is staying with me for a couple of days to a couple of weeks while the state gets their heads out of their butts and inspects his new apartment.  i think i have mentioned before that kyle and i are a like a married couple.  a married couple that doesn’t have sex.  so i certainly get some of my relationship feeling need from that.  it is fun too.  perhaps i need to break that off too?  but i ENJOY these relationships!  why would i give up something i enjoy?!  it is hard to find good relationships, and though these are not complete relationships, any one of them alone, they are positive experiences and we all need as much of that as possible.  maybe the lonely feeling i feel tonight is simply that my body is still adjusting to my new schedule.  or maybe PMS.  my first bout of PMS off the hormone.  whatever.  i am going to keep enjoying the relationships i have and just remain open to the possibilities otherwise.  ideas and suggestions are appreciated though.  perhaps there is something obvious that i am missing.