Monthly Archives: July 2012

nursing is exhausting

driving all the way to temple has something to do with it.  but working 12 hours, which ends up being at least 13, is really exhausting.  i don’t get tired WHILE working, even on days where i only got a couple hours sleep the night before.  it is a go-go job and i really like that about it.  but when it is over, sheesh, destroyed is the best word.  HAPPY but destroyed.  and that is really it. i am HAPPY for the first time in a million years!  getting pulled over, going to the emergency room, doing the math and realizing i am going to miss a payment somewhere, don’t bring me down.  because i am HAPPY.  TONS of aggravations in my life right now, but i am doing something that means something to me and stimulates me every day.  seems like that is what it takes to make me happy.  of course, i want to solve my health problems and my money problems, but i am starting from a happy point.

i think part of it is the sense of accomplishment.  i DID something.  i lost my job, i retrained, i started a new career.  a new career i like A LOT!  some would say i have done a lot in life.  and i agree that i have had a lot of experiences.  but becoming a nurse is something *I* have done (with support, but only i could take the tests).  even my biggest project at HP, i didn’t feel like i did it, i feel like i facilitated the people who REALLY got the work done.  good leadership IS important, but the worker-bees make it really happen.  THIS i made happen.  and being a nurse, i make things happen every day, on behalf of my patients.  it feels good, really really good, to call a doctor to get a med for a patient who is itching or in pain or who has a low BP or whatever.  it feels GREAT to help them start ambulating (med nerd speak for walking) after surgery…moving towards being strong and going home.

i still need to find my nursing fang shui.  and everyday i get better at it.  whether to do my complete assessment first thing, or just vial signs and then check the chart and go back.  just need to figure out what works best for me.  can’t wait for that moment when i feel it.  can’t wait to be able to take shifts because they need more nurses and i am functioning at the same efficiency level as my fellow nurses.

still trying to figure out the best solution for multi-working days.  i really don’t want to sleep in temple.  i want ONE home and ONE bed.  but having to get up at 4:40am to get to work, sucks.  and i will have to leave even earlier when i start on nights.  evening traffic on I35 sucks.  and then there is food.  i just can’t seem to find the time to cook.  as things get more organized (i did 3 years worth of filing today) i should have more time, but the fact remains my food isn’t that exciting.  i am seriously considering one of the good food services in town.  when all is said and done, they can probably make it at only a slightly higher cost and certainly better.  it means i would eat right too.  just seems like i should be able to feed myself better.  you know, being an adult and all.  then again, why fight the truth.

and now for all the things that have gone wrong lately…that i don’t particularly care about…
-got a ticket for a california stop the day i took the NCLEX
-got pulled over for driving too close, on my way home thursday night (didn’t get the ticket!)
-left leg edema (swelling) that, 21 days later, is still not normal
-healing REALLY slowly…never a good sign
-the capo jumped over my iPad while i was reading, it feel against my lip and cut it (hurt and still isn’t completely healed)
-the school that i will be attending for my BSN won’t send the feds a letter that i am enrolled until Sept…which means i have to pay on my student loans for 3 months (which i can’t afford)
-tax return got push back and now they are taking their sweet-ass time (and i really need that money)
-front tooth crown fell out while i was eating french fries.  going to got $2500, minimum, to put in an implant

but, you know what?  it doesn’t bother me so much.  ’cause i am coming from a great place.  i am a nurse.

i know what i want…

i want a robot boy.  perhaps a wind-up one like in “coin operated boy”.  see, it is raining something fierce tonight, and it is great weather to snuggle down into bed.  but most of the time, these days at least, i just don’t need the energy draw of a boyfriend.  i am just too busy getting my life together after 3 years of limbo.  but sometimes it would certainly be nice.  now and again, someone to bounce things off of.  someone that is on my side.  someone to lean on, now and again.  but i would definitely want to put them in a closet a lot of the time.  just take them out in moments of need.  which totally isn’t fair.  that is actually how i felt about patrick..or rather, how it felt he saw me.  i was a doll he liked looking at and sometimes playing with.  but mostly he just wanted to put me in the closet.  anyhow, it obviously doesn’t work that way, so i’ll just have to snuggle down with the kitties like the crazy middle-aged cat lady i am!

boy dilemma

boys like me.  they show interest in me.  they want to spend time with me.  but i think it is mostly sexual.  i am not actually surprised by this. i am a very sexual girl.  i strive to look “perfect” (not literally) all the time.  if i am being honest with myself, i guess i strive to look sexy all the time.  though i like the word “perfect” (in quotes) better.  i want to look the best i can in all environments (though this does not apply on the floor).  i wish i could think of another way of putting it. then there is my demeanor.  i am a very sexual girl.  but i am other things too.  clever, funny, energetic, friendly… but i guess the sexual part overwhelms the rest of me.  which isn’t to say i want to change, just that i would like boys to be interested in more of me.  now, if you are reading this and you are a boy who likes me, and likes me sexually, i am not hating on you.  not scolding you.  i am just contemplating how to put myself forward in a more well-rounded manner.  i REALLY want to come home a snuggle with a boy and tell him all about my amazing day on the floor (using no personal identifiers at all) and have him want to listen, want to share, want to experience my life, our lives, with me.  you know, just me.  not “just me” as in, i will hog him and expect him to be with me all the time.  but, “just me” as in, i am the girl they want to be partners with, to share with, and grow older with and have experiences with and have sex with.  finding a partner feels both like it should be really easy and that it is really hard.  maybe i am making the same mistakes with the boys i meet now as i did when i met patrick (please see previous blogs for early mistakes i made with patrick). anyhow, looking for a boy to snuggle with and share my day.

ich bin eine Krankenschwester!

literal translation: i am a sick sister.  figurative translation: i am a nurse!  it is SO AWESOME!  everything i do, everyday, helps my patients.  sometimes it is no fun, but it IS to help them.  to move them to getting better.  to relieve their symptoms.  this job rocks!  had 3 patients today.  2 were low maintenance, and then one went home.  got an admit.  i wasn’t the most efficient, but i did it!  3 patients!  so cool.

they only thing i wish had been different about tonight is the wish that there had been someone at home to share my excitement with.  soon, i hope to have a partner i can gush to about how fabulous my day was.  or, eventually, how trying it was.  today was trying, honestly, but it was still awesome.  even the hard parts were learning and awesomeness.  i’ll get there.  i’d just like to share that journey with someone.

but now…sleep!

another half a week of nursing

sunday night, after getting home from True Blood, i discovered that my left leg was at least twice the size of my right.  hadn’t noticed before changing into my jammies because it didn’t hurt.  it didn’t feel any different than my right leg.  which was a good sign. see, sudden onset edema (swelling) like that suggests a clot.  perhaps a DVT.  bad.  i poked at it a bit and then decided it would be really embarrassing if i had a PE (pulmonary embolism) and died in my sleep, or on the way to work the next day, or on the floor AT work the next day.  so i called kyle and asked him to come take me to the e-room.  the whole time i am thinking…”fucking hell!  if i suddenly have a new health problem it could keep me from working after all this blood, sweat and tears!”  went to the e-room.  got seen rather quickly.  had a high BP, but figured that was white coat syndrome (even though i am a nurse myself, and sometimes we wear white lab coats).  doc asked the standard questions.  the key thing that made me feel a bit better was…there was no pain.  pain would have been a BAD sign.  my ankles swelled a couple of times during the term after a day on the floor.  it was always bilateral (both sides) and not very much.  by the next day they were always back to normal.  this was different.  my friend stacey has circulation problems so i called her.  she said i didn’t have all the signs she had, but recommended i go in anyway, which i did.  had an ultrasound on my left leg veins to be sure there wasn’t a clot.  i really liked my tech because she was a true blood fan and had seen that night’s episode.  so we talked true blood while she scanned me.  went back to my bay, number 42(!), and waited for the doc.  he said the tech hadn’t seen anything and they were right 99.9% of the time but he needed a confirmation from the radiologist.  that took a while, but it came back clear.  i asked what could have caused it and he said it could just be random.  i suggested my birth control pills as i am over 40 (42!) and he said maybe.  rather annoying there weren’t any other ideas, though it NOT being a DVT was awesome.  oh, the ER docs names was Mumm and he was really cute.  asked me a number of personal questions about going into nursing.  got home about 1:30.  that meant like 3 hours of sleep before i had to get up to go to work.  wasn’t sure i should but didn’t want to call in sick after only a couple of days.  of course, i wanted to be in my right mind so i could be the best nurse possible.  my shower woke me up a bit, and though i was too sleepy on the drive, the day was a piece of cake.  nursing is NOT slow or boring.  it was a great day.  i seriously love nursing.  went to sleep almost as soon as i got home on monday evening. elevated my leg and the swelling went down quite a bit.  bought some support socks, which helped as well.  i am still swollen, but it is getting better.  tomorrow i will attempt to find a new doctor, from my new health plan, and get to the bottom of it.  i hope this isn’t the new me.

i used my new S&W healthcare the FIRST day i was eligible.  kinda amusing.

i told kyle we should get married because we are the same sort of disaster areas and are going through the same total life changes with all sorts of chaos around us (to be fair, he was WAY more than me).  he just smiles when i say stuff like that.

the charge nurse has changed the schedule and i will NOT be working 8hrs/day 5 days a week for the next several weeks.  THANK GOODNESS!  that was killing me.  all that driving.  i have my first 12 on friday and i am very excited.  i was there like 10 hours Mon/Tues anyway.  what is two more hours of getting things settled for the night shift.  probably won’t go to nights until september.  i get my first paycheck tomorrow!  it is only $845 as i missed Mon/Tues of last week due to the NCLEX.  but this pay period will have more hours AND i got my $2/hr raise for passing the test.  hurrah!  life is moving forward!  (now if i can just say healthy…)

i have been healing more slowly lately.  well, for like a year.  mom said “diabetes”.  which would suck.  and be embarrassing.  i’d rather it be RA or something like that.  at least leukemia wouldn’t be my fault.

boytoy is away for 2 weeks.  it is sort of weird.  and now i have to play with my toys.  i miss talking science with him too.

begin mundane life details: here we are on July4th and i did laundry, packed most of the kitchen at Mo’s and then found places for it here at the tangerine dream home.  vacuumed.  had dinner with bagel and thad.  found out thad and stacey (different stacey than above) are splitting up.  talked to the cats.  i have been working on my to do list for tomorrow.  LOTS to do!  you know, life stuff.  and i love it!

about last sunday

well, that day didn’t happened like planned.  it wasn’t all bad.  the cosmic unconsciousness was just out to get me.  see, i decided to ride my scooter to Jo’s for true blood.  rode Blue.  got just to I35 and she died.  i thought, “no big.  probably the spark plug.  i’ll just pull over and change it.”  pulled over.  opened glovebox.  found a spark plug but no tools!  what the hell happened to my tools?!  “whatever,” i though “i’ll just call Amy and she can come get me, take me home, i’ll get some more tools and get it done.”  looking in backpack.  no iPhone!  WTF!  where is my iPhone!  that left walking to Jo’s, 6 LONG austin city blocks, and it was 106 degrees out.  i was a hot mess by the time i got there.  posted on FB.  my friend peter came to my rescue.  tools were in the cupcake (do i not have tools for all bikes?  must fix that).  blue started first kick.  my friend sondra happened to ride her scooter to true blood too.  guess what phone call i got when i got home?  yep, her spark plug.  the funny thing is, when she arrived to Jo’s and i told her about my experience, she went to her scooter to check that she had tools and a spark plug!  i rode over, with some tweezers and electrical tape, and we got her new spark plug in.  she zoomed off happily!

i passed the NCLEX!  75 questions in 2 hours.  it felt weird.  the test wasn’t hard, it was just vague.  but i guess that meant i was doing well.  got my quick results (for $7.95 from PearsonVue) 48 hours after i started the exam.  my license was on the BON by the afternoon.  and now i am done.  well, with the prep.  the prep is all finished.  now i just need to be a nurse.

started on the floor on thursday, though friday was my first day with patients.  and it was awesome!  not as hard an nursing school.  i can see my flow and just have to get some days into me.  i totally see myself being really good at this.  and it was so satisfying.  one of my patients told me i was wonderful.  i made a difference in her experience.  so much better than financial analysis.

i posted the following on FB today: “Nursing school completed. License attained. Job started. Now…

I am official available for dating/relationshiping. Descriptive adjectives: clever, compassionate (though it comes across strangely sometimes), well educated, happily employed, attractive, bakes, generally independent but interested in sharing, funny, creative, female nurse. Single males only please (I want someone of my own).”

i have received some interesting updates to my post.  a few other descriptives, “good dresser”, “sensible”, “loves to dance”. “has own exam table”, “good speaker” and “but no longer has pink hair”.  damn i miss my pink hair.  i have received two offers already from out of state.  dang it.  many people have ‘liked’ my post.  i hope it ends up being fruitful.  i sure would like a partner.

it is 4:49am while i am writing this.  i have only had 4 hours of sleep.  my body just WOKE up, bang!  i currently have my day and a half headache.  started about mid-day on friday, so it should be gone by now.  i’ve taken a bunch of meds.  did a little yoga, which helped, but as soon as i stop, it comes back.  grrr.  not fair.

got a sad letter from the IRS.  they want more documents to process my tax return.  which sucks, cause i REALLY need that money right now.  my next (first!) paycheck isn’t a full one.  oh well.  i guess that is was american express is for.

i am a nurse now, and it is really exciting.  so far it has been awesome.  i am very glad i have chosen this path.  now to get the rest of my life in order.