well, i will be a new nurse on the oncology floor at scott and white in temple, tx starting June 18th!  i can’t wait for it to start.  i just wanna get out there and start nursing.  though it is nice to have a break, to just sit around enjoying myself, i want to be productive.  i want to use this knowledge i have accumulated.  i want to help people.  i take the NCLEX the 26th.  i am almost bummed it is so far out at this point.my study partner takes it next week.  but i feel confident.

i moved into my new home.  i am living in the tangerine dream home with amy.  boy toy built me a loft bed.  and though i keep bonking my head on the ceiling, it is fabulous.  me and the kitties like to hide out up there.  the underneath is my club house.  i need to string some christmas lights and it will be perfect. i’ll try and take pictures of the spaces.  i feel at home here.  my cats have already worked things out with amy’s cats.  the kitchen is kinda crazy (was remodeled by a singe male…there are 3 square drawers in total.  no where for silverware) but i am making it work.  it just feels comfortable, comfortable in a way that has been missing for a while.

i think my therapist is going to dismiss me soon.  not in a bad way though.  as you may remember, she had upped my visits recently.  because i fell apart in her office about a month before school got out.  but at my last visit when we talked about how things were falling into place, how i had a job offer and my move was in play and i was studying for the NCLEX.  she remarked that all that was really open in my life was a relationship.  while i was in nursing school, i was really looking forward to graduating and finding a partner and building my life again.  but since i have finished, i haven’t been that keen on finding a partner.  i am really tired.  though i spent plenty of time by myself these last 3 years, i am still sort of burned out by it all and just want some time to myself.  of course, i’d like to think, if i met the right person, i would be totally ready for a partnership.  but i wonder if that is true.  i wonder if i am ignoring possibilities?  not going to think too hard on it.  (and i have to admit that having the boy toy fulfills a lot of needs at this point.  other than being danger prone lately, he is just so adorable.)

my therapist did say to me that i needed to find someone that was my equal.  not someone that looked up to me or down at me, but my equal.  i agree that most of my relationships have been out of balance.  when i say “look up to” i don’t mean worship, i mean defer to.  patrick generally looked to me for decisions.  it was just our dynamic.  she said i need to find someone that is willing to accept me, and speak up when necessary.  i think that is the key.  it is cliche too.  communication.  couples need to communicate.  a friend recently got dumped by a girl he really liked because she was afraid to fall in love as a result of a previously horrible relationship.  one of our mutual friends wrote about, how at this age, it is about finding someone that will put up with you and your quirks.  i tend to agree.  doesn’t seem like such a difficult thing to find.  then again i am very quirky.  somewhat overwhelming too.  had lunch with a friend today, and he commented that i had a strong sense of how things should be.  i replied that with certain things, like accessing my baking stuff, yes, i felt strongly, but that there was plenty of stuff that i really wasn’t worried about.  i don’t think most people notice that because of my strong opinions on things i do care about.  which is too bad.  my therapist did comment it would be hard for me to find someone that was equal to me.  guess when i do it will be great.  at least right now i am not too worried about it.