i realized something this week about gifts. i suppose it is sort of core to my entire personality. one of the things i asked of patrick in couples counseling was that he thought of me. by that i mean, do things, say things, that show, he was thinking of me. a gift example. gifts with us were always sort of a problem. patrick and i had different ideas. i would envision something one way, and he would envision it another. so, for instance, if he had something made for me, or made something for me, it generally wasn’t what i had asked for. at least, not in my mind. and that made me sad. it was like he wasn’t listening to me. i think the best gift he ever got me was finding the next NIN show in europe after the show we flew to england for was canceled. i didn’t ask him to do it, he just did it. he found me trains to get there too. it was awesome. he bought we a t-shirt once too. i had seen it and mentioned it, it had a shadow of lloyd dobler holding up the boom box from “say anything”, and then one day this envelope arrived for me and it was the t-shirt. he had remembered. he had remembered me. and i think i have realized, that is what i want in a relationship. the sense that someone remembers me. that they see things, and think of me. it doesn’t have to be an expensive gift or a fancy gift. this summer, for my birthday, my nursing classmates bought me a 6-pack of diet coke (i hadn’t given it up yet). and that was just the nicest gift, because it was totally me. i just want to be remembered.

i really must have been atilla the hun in a previous life. that, or i have been this really horrible person in this life and just don’t get it. i feel like i have worked hard. i have tried. there are lots of things i am not good at, but i have tried. i don’t think that i live in anymore denial than most people. actually, i have always felt i lived in less. and yet, as hard as i have worked, it just feels like i am walking down that tunnel and the light is coming faster and faster. i need a job. i need it so bad. i have a little money left, and if i cover all my obligations it will be gone by june. should i stop paying my bills? or is a job around the corner. i need to move, but it doesn’t make sense for someone to rent to me if i don’t have a job lined up. do i start selling my things? or should i just have faith? i don’t want to do anything rash but i want to be sure i am being as careful as possible. i obviously need help, but i have no idea what to ask for. and how do you ask for help when EVERYTHING is falling apart? i am a smart and useful girl. what did i do to find myself in a position, at 42 years-old, where i am looking at not being able to pay my obligations at best, and homeless at worst? i can’t believe i was such a bad person. and if this is just bad luck, well, what happens now?