so, i have been trying to learn about boundaries. it’s hard though. on the one hand, people tell me i am too cerebral, too closed but on the other hand, they have boundaries. i can’t just open up to them, cause there are boundaries. but i don’t know how to figure out what they are BEFORE i find out the hard way. for me, i would do just about anything to help a friend. even people that aren’t super-duper friends. they are simply people that need support. if had a friend who was in school, and needed help studying, i would commit myself to helping them. of course, i also realize this is way too much to ask of someone. it is like i treat everyone like my partner. i am willing to put myself out for anyone i consider a friend. now, there is a hierarchy to this. were i asked to attend 2 events on the one night, one for my partner, the other for a friend, i would chose the partner’s event. same with friends, depends on who is the closer friend. but without restraints, i would help anyone that needed it. and yet, this is NOT a realistic expectation of others. and for the most part, i wouldn’t expect it of others. but with some people i test the boundaries. i see how much i can rely on them. how much support i can ask of them. and generally it ends in hurt on my part. at first it seems like i can ask, but then it doesn’t turn out that way. and i both get it and it hurts terribly.

how do you figure out what reasonable boundaries are with people? is this something that people learn naturally when they have “normal” childhoods? i remember telling my therapist the “don’t eat the brownies!” story and her remarking, “wow, there were just no boundaries in your house, were there?” i hadn’t really thought of it like that before, but i guess, the answer is yes. so is this the problem? this boundary thing, along with being strong and not needing support very much?

many people accuse me of seeing the world as black and white. and it may be true. but what i actually think is going on is that i feel REALLY strongly about some things and let lots of other things go. people have apologized to me a million times for things that just really don’t bother me. cause whatever happens makes sense to me. but sometimes, sometimes there things that are hardcore important to me. and i think people are surprised. there are things that are not negotiable. and perhaps i should mention those things earlier. but how do you do that? you are friends with someone, you are sleeping with something, you are dating someone, and you have needs, and they might be kinda specific sometimes. how do you communicate that without it looking like you are over legislating?

i am afraid that if (when) i lose my beauty, no one will love me because my personality is so acidic to people. then again, i am awesome and i have gotten much better at being alone. (for the record, boy toy says that he would date me because of my personality, if we weren’t in such different phases of our lives. which i agree with, we shouldn’t date as we are in very different phases of our lives. of course, he doesn’t know what it is like to date me, so perhaps, history would repeat itself – which is not to doubt him, but me)

perhaps i will change my name to “awesome smith”. cause i regular say “i’m awesome” and i have been wanting to change my last name. “awesome black” seems a bit too stage name.

interview at st david’s tomorrow. got an email that i had made it to the next round in the versant internship process for seton. my resume has been routed to nurse managers to consider interviewing me. i was sent to 4 hospitals in the area. i am delighted to have gotten this far, though it would be quite the coup to get invited to an interview. (because we were told at the open house that ADNs were “second class citizens” and one of our teachers said we would never get a GN position there because it is a magnet hospital and we are merely ADNs from Temple College.) i am actually fearful that my alarm clock won’t go off and i will miss the interview. that is how important this is to me. and i have a tension headache.

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