so much

so much to share and just no time to share it.  did neuro today.  felt great until i started talking to others about answers and realized some mistakes.  too bad, too, i had started to feel like i had finally accomplished something to be proud of this term (of course, my clinical rotation is going MUCH better).  mid-cirricular is wednesday.  plan is to accept that for what it is and then study oner spring break.  need to write my paper of spring break too.  once that is done, i think a lot of stress will be gone.  i will only, really , have clinical paperwork and tests to go from there.  i can spend more time trying to find a job.  i estimate i will be completely out of money (no back-ups left) by end of may?  i try not to let it stress me out, but obviously, it is serious.  not sure which i would give up first, my health ins or my debt payments.  obviously, i should give up my debt payments, but that is a very serious point of pride.  not getting my meds though. (no, i am not on meds that make it ok for me to go out in public.  i am on meds that make my body not miserable 24/7 plus sexual freedom…ANYHOW….)

i am 42 years old and i am pretty ok with who i am.  (did i mention that i am going to start lying about my age?  i think 42 is both a reasonable oldness to lie about AND a really cool number!  what do you get for being 43?) perhaps it is time to realize that i am not the really close friend type?  that my expectations just don’t work with anyone?  i can have intense relationships.  and be open for people.  but i just don’t think it works the other way.  the “do until others” just doesn’t actually work that well.  i am terribly strong, really.  but am i strong enough to go it alone?  even if i found a partner.  wouldn’t i have to put on a show?  perhaps my therapist is the answer.  i can expect things of her in the context of the relationship.  i dunno.  i need to ponder this.

tomorrow i am team lead for the freshmen class in the sim lab.  won’t THAT be interesting.  should i bring my riding crop?

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