i am very disappointed by the reply:

“impossible, that would be no different than the current state.

you are smart not to place trust upfront, which is why i didn’t ask for it upfront, through this.

oh well. we’ll see each other around i’m sure, and neither will be the wiser. it’s worked fine so far :)”

but this fellow (or femme) makes an error in logic.  THEY have more knowledge.  they know who i am.  and, i have NO idea what they know about me, other than to like me.  i would be giving them power and information.  perhaps my “clue” word or phrase would be covert enough, but perhaps not.  perhaps this is a trap.  my lack of trust certainly applies in this situation.  i don’t even, necessarily, think that it is something about me that causes them to hide.  i think it is just their history (or that they are already in a committed relationship and they would have to know it would be worth the risk before they would take i.e., eliminate the risk).

my friend katie agrees that telling someone that you “like” them is a big issue of trust.  because they could crush you with this knowledge.  i guess i don’t really see it that way.  unrequited love sucks, but i don’t really see how someone could abuse my offer.  they might abuse me and my trust IN the relationship, but either yes or no, is hardly abuse.  what is possible is the pain of rejection.  but that is life and we can’t run from that.  ok, perhaps they could laugh in my face?  but if they did that, obviously i am lucky to have avoided a relationship with that person, because they suck.  in my mind, i haven’t entered into a trust position if i am only letting someone know i am interested.  but that’s just me.

are there people on my list.  identifiers i could give?  sure.  there are several people i would seriously consider starting a relationship with.  so why haven’t i made any offers?  with most of them, there is something that i see as an virtually insurmountable problem at this time.  of course, that is only my opinion, but it doesn’t seem right to go up to a boy (yes, there are only boys on this list) and say, “hey, i think you’re rad (cause i am a kid of the 80s), i like you, i think it would be cool if we tried dating, except there is this thing about how you and i have interacted previously that makes me think it isn’t going to work.  what do you think about that?”  were they to come to me, say the same thing, stopping at the word “dating” in the previous sentence, i would totally give it a try.  but i would also try to explain, in the most delicate way possible, concerns that i have.  i guess the way i would explain it would be, “heck yeah!  let’s do it!  i wanna let you know about some of my needs though…i am happy to hear yours too!”  too clinical?  but why struggle from the start?  and again, i guess i could walk up to one of these lucky fellows (yes, lucky, cause i’m awesome!) and say, “hey, i think you are rad, i like you, i think it would be cool if we tried dating.  i have some needs i feel like i should warn you about though.  if they aren’t cool, that is totally cool and i completely understand.”  but really?  that sounds even more contractual.  like “here is a really flattering thing!  with caveats!”  doesn’t seem cool.  i don’t know that i would mind being on the receiving end of something like this though.  i mean, i am darn cerebral about this stuff.  perhaps we could at least have “sex for the first time/break-up sex”!

oh, and then there is the fact that i have no time.  perhaps i will continue to consider this method and roll it out in May.  t minus 78 days until i am available for girlfriend gigs!  but really, if someone rad came a long, i’d do my best right about now.