Monthly Archives: February 2012

silliness

another email from the mystery person.

It’s interesting to imagine the assumptions you make, said and unsaid, how and where they vary from accurate to wrong, the Truth and the Grey Areas, and all the gray clouds.

Perhaps I don’t think of you in the way you’re thinking I do.

Maybe this is just a ploy to see if I can get something coming out of your heart, without an audience, without ego ineither person’s way – ego shaping what the sayer says, ego affecting what is believed by the listener’s listening.

The little chance here to be ego-free would be ruined if anything were certain. The only thing you can be certain of is the obvious – I am curious just to know what’s going on in there, through this trivial question.

You don’t owe anything to humor me: I am Nobody, Now. But, I ask you: humor me. I just want to see what you’re made of, “in here.”

This is how I would have answered that question if I were in your position. This moment is real. Notice, for example, how this could not have been you.

It was 1994, and all you wanted was for me to sing Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, because you never heard it before. The scent of leaves falling was in the air, although that didn’t make sense as it was spring. The daylight is eternal in that moment, resting as it does in the mind. There is no weight to the world there. Just a smile. Sing it again, you plead. It’s so unbearably cheesy and embarrassing. We never return home. There is no memory of leaving this place. Yet it had to have been by bus since that’s how we got there.

my reply has been that they do not deserve my confidence for hiding as they have. i also mentioned that patrick and i used to “meow” christmas carols. i miss that.

unfortunate reply

i am very disappointed by the reply:

“impossible, that would be no different than the current state.

you are smart not to place trust upfront, which is why i didn’t ask for it upfront, through this.

oh well. we’ll see each other around i’m sure, and neither will be the wiser. it’s worked fine so far :)”

but this fellow (or femme) makes an error in logic.  THEY have more knowledge.  they know who i am.  and, i have NO idea what they know about me, other than to like me.  i would be giving them power and information.  perhaps my “clue” word or phrase would be covert enough, but perhaps not.  perhaps this is a trap.  my lack of trust certainly applies in this situation.  i don’t even, necessarily, think that it is something about me that causes them to hide.  i think it is just their history (or that they are already in a committed relationship and they would have to know it would be worth the risk before they would take i.e., eliminate the risk).

my friend katie agrees that telling someone that you “like” them is a big issue of trust.  because they could crush you with this knowledge.  i guess i don’t really see it that way.  unrequited love sucks, but i don’t really see how someone could abuse my offer.  they might abuse me and my trust IN the relationship, but either yes or no, is hardly abuse.  what is possible is the pain of rejection.  but that is life and we can’t run from that.  ok, perhaps they could laugh in my face?  but if they did that, obviously i am lucky to have avoided a relationship with that person, because they suck.  in my mind, i haven’t entered into a trust position if i am only letting someone know i am interested.  but that’s just me.

are there people on my list.  identifiers i could give?  sure.  there are several people i would seriously consider starting a relationship with.  so why haven’t i made any offers?  with most of them, there is something that i see as an virtually insurmountable problem at this time.  of course, that is only my opinion, but it doesn’t seem right to go up to a boy (yes, there are only boys on this list) and say, “hey, i think you’re rad (cause i am a kid of the 80s), i like you, i think it would be cool if we tried dating, except there is this thing about how you and i have interacted previously that makes me think it isn’t going to work.  what do you think about that?”  were they to come to me, say the same thing, stopping at the word “dating” in the previous sentence, i would totally give it a try.  but i would also try to explain, in the most delicate way possible, concerns that i have.  i guess the way i would explain it would be, “heck yeah!  let’s do it!  i wanna let you know about some of my needs though…i am happy to hear yours too!”  too clinical?  but why struggle from the start?  and again, i guess i could walk up to one of these lucky fellows (yes, lucky, cause i’m awesome!) and say, “hey, i think you are rad, i like you, i think it would be cool if we tried dating.  i have some needs i feel like i should warn you about though.  if they aren’t cool, that is totally cool and i completely understand.”  but really?  that sounds even more contractual.  like “here is a really flattering thing!  with caveats!”  doesn’t seem cool.  i don’t know that i would mind being on the receiving end of something like this though.  i mean, i am darn cerebral about this stuff.  perhaps we could at least have “sex for the first time/break-up sex”!

oh, and then there is the fact that i have no time.  perhaps i will continue to consider this method and roll it out in May.  t minus 78 days until i am available for girlfriend gigs!  but really, if someone rad came a long, i’d do my best right about now.

ok, lust

lust is what gives me the most desire.  still not sure about pleasure.  there are technically things in that case.  but lust.  boy toy and i, oh, yes, lust.  like “can’t make it out of the house before…” lust.  and as i think about it, i have the idea, though this is only an initial thought, that lust is what leaves long term relationships.  men still want sex, but do they keep lusting after their partners?  or does that get pushed aside with familiarity?  is lust THE honeymoon emotion?  but if i see that look in my partner’s eye, oh yeah, i am going to respond.  ok, ok, ok, there are certainly days and situations where lust isn’t going to be enough.  but even with this horrible, horrible, horrible week, i think i would have responded to lust.  so how do you maintain lust?  and how does that roll into pleasure?  seriously though, i think i am getting somewhere.

i received a very interesting email message today:

From: Qzpmwxonecib Doe <qzpmwxonecibdoe@yahoo.com> (i like that this is John Doe-type address!)

Subject: (No subject header)

to the mistress: who would you wish there weren’t unspoken barriers you could get past, who you have real feelings for, in a world full of otherwise disposables?

i would be unwise to place trust without protecting the question first. the heather i know would agree with this philosophy as she puts to practice.

and you need to be protected from the possibility that who you’re replying to is not gettting your answer without actually being that person.

so you can be assured that the answer can only be figured out by that person, instead of replying with a name, reply with something you’re reasonably sure only that person would know (and exclusive enough the reader knows it couldn’t be anyone else you meant).

this way, if the person you write to here isn’t who you’d hoped it was, it’s nobody’s loss. nobody has to continue beyond the answer.

this was my reply:

the person it is, should not fear to come to me directly.
and if it isn’t you, you should not be afraid either.
where it is true that i don’t easily place trust, it is equally, as true, that i don’t abuse the trust of others.
cheers. h.

i hope that i hear back from them.  i find this very intriguing.  as well as, fraught with possibility.

the multi-orgasmic female

i have started to read the multi-orgasmic couple book that patrick and i bought ages ago.  i think he started reading it.  boy toy wants us to try for more orgasms for me. who can turn down a boy who asks for that?  anyhow, i won’t go into detail of what i have learned so far, but i did want to share some questions the book asks.

  • at what moments in your life do you recall feeling the most desire or pleasure?
  • what places, times of day, or partners aroused you the most?
  • in what specific ways we these moments different from or similar to those in your life now?
  • in your current life, what things increase or decrease your desire?
  • if you could create the perfect erotic situation for yourself, what would it look like? (do not limit your imagination)

i have been trying to answer these questions, but, with the exception of the last one (i have a vivid and hardworking imagination), i am having a hard time really pinpointing it.  i can count on one hand the “bad” sex i have had, but to pick a moment i felt the MOST desire? does that include lusting after dave gehan in high school? isn’t it intensely situational? places and time of day?!  as i think about it, perceived desire from my partner seems to thrill me the most.  but does that always lead to great sex? i don’t actually think so.  i think it makes for the best emotional and intellectual experience. but pure pleasure? hm.  not sure.  i am going to keep at it.  if you are interested in the answers i come up with, email me and i’ll email them back.

(p.s. yes, i do have a little black book with a list and a top 3 in several different categories)

(p.p.s making love with your husband (committed primary) is always the best sex, regardless of how it feels technically)

hypnosis?

not so much.  though part of me wonders whether it was the person.  when i arrived, she came down from her office, reached over to take my pre-work paper and said “i’m going to read this and be right back.  you know where the restroom is.” to which i replied, “uh, no i don’t”.  she pointed around the corner and walked up the stairs.  when she came back to get me, she gave off a sense of annoyance.  we walked to her office, which was nice, but the white noise machine was too much.  she commenced by saying “people usually have the same questions, so i am just going to answer them”.  she then read, listlessly, from a page: “will i cluck like a chicken? will i share my deepest secrets? will i lose consciousness?” it was amusing, though these were not the questions i would have asked.  then we started talking about my background, why i was there.  and she started arguing with me.  i have anxiety.  nursing is very different than finance in high tech.  nobody dies if you mess up finance.  i want do things right.  our teachers always break us down, they never encourage us.  i realize i am not a moron, but this is totally new ground to me.  we talked a lot about how i learn.  i am not sure how i learn, thus i am not sure how to study.  it seems like i am an auditor learner.  with my poor eyesight i am certainly not a visual learner.  but what does that mean i should do?  perhaps i should listen to the lectures over and over.  but with cardiology, the teacher made so many mistakes.  many of us got so confused we had to stop listening and teach ourselves.  so how does that work?  if someone were to tell me what i should do, i would do it, i just don’t know what to do.

she then recommended that i take a full 10 session either paying for each or paying in advance for a discount.  i replied, “i don’t know what we are going to do yet.”  she didn’t seem to like that.  she told me what hypnosis wasn’t, but she didn’t tell me how it would work.

she put some glasses on me that had blinking lights in the inside.  i also had headphones.  she started, basically, i guided meditation.  first problem, i was supposed to think of a calm and comfortable moment.  a place i felt safe.  and i could NOT think of anything.  of course, i was supposed to take this wonderful, safe feeling and magnify it in my head.  huh?  how exactly do i do THAT?  “feel you legs filling with liquid cement.”  uh, not so much.  finally, near the end i thought of two moments when i felt calm and comfortable…savasana.  in germany under my very ungerman yoga instructor i had an out of body experience.  then here in austin i went to yoga barely able to stand and finished feeling like i had slept 10 hours.  of course, what i started thinking was…i need to do yoga not hypnosis.  but seriously, how do i magnify a feeling of comfort 30 times?  how does that work?  i am cerebral VERY cerebral, but still, does that even make sense?  perhaps for people that easily find comfort, but not me.  i think i have a ways to go before i can access joy like that.  even my enlightenment moments on the dance floor are not “comfortable”.  they are filled to overflowing with energy.  nope, hypnosis doesn’t seem to be for me.  but yoga is.  good thing i have a groupon for that…

reach out and touch someone

my OB test went well.  which is just frustrating.  i studied MAYBE 4 hours in total.  what am i doing wrong with med surg?  i can’t even get through the material in med surg in 4 hours.  *sigh*  on my way home i posted on FB that i wanted to have dinner with friends who could amuse me with anecdotes.  9 people showed up!  ok, twice i had to ask to change the subject to something positive (whether obama was good or bad was one time, can’t remember the other), but otherwise it was really nice.  really really.  i am glad i have such nice friends who are willing to come out with me.

tomorrow i try hypnosis for test anxiety and study stress.  i’ll let you know how it goes.

blam!

another punch to the gut this week.  this morning, i sent a note to the nurse manager that i interviewed with last week.  she called a little while later and said i was too close to graduating and by the time they trained me, i would have to move on.  she said i was a great candidate and will make a great nurse (cause i have a great attitude, though that says nothing of skills or knowledge) but she is going to pass.  it is so painful.  i need the experience SO bad.  i have an OB test in a few hours i am woefully underprepared for.  and my hairdresser just posted that her shop won’t have water on saturday.  couldn’t something go right this week?  what is going to happen to me?

uh, not so much

i studied at least 30 hours for my cardiology exam.  and i think it is highly likely i failed.  now, i know i have said this before.  but last time i did and the time before that i only passed because 4 questions i got wrong got thrown out.  anyhow…this is very frustrating because i did study SO much! what am i doing wrong?  how can i study better? there are seriously not enough hours in the day to do all the studying i want to do, so what do i need to do?

i burst into tears on the clinical floor on tuesday.  i had 3 clients.  one needed next to no help.  and i still couldn’t seem to manage to get it all done.  i couldn’t even efficiently do a bed bath for a very nice 84 year-old woman!  i have been doing this for 4 SEMESTERS!  sure, i am still pretty new, but i feel like i should have improved.  i did manage to get vital signs, though had to go back for respirations for 2 people (always forget those….WHY?!!!)  i used to be a project manager.  i used to be the most organized human being on earth (next to Vivian)!  and now i can’t even remember to do all my assessment steps?  i am constantly afraid of doing things for clients.  afraid i am going to do something i am not supposed to, and hurt them.  yes, it will get better with time…but do i have time for that?  we are talking about PEOPLE here.  yes, i realize all nurses will make mistakes.  but really, should i be starting out so bumbling?  sure, ultimately i don’t have to go into floor nursing.  i could be a doctor’s office or whatever.  but i want to be the best nurse i can.  and to do that i feel i need to do a couple of years of the floor.  and yet, i feel like, like i shouldn’t for the sake of all those involved.  yes, i talked to my teacher.  her only comment was i was fine.  not helpful.  people people, when trying to comfort someone, don’t just say it will be fine or their great or it’ll all work out.  that is the antithesis of helpful unless YOU can ensure it works out.  saying positive things, good.  making unsupportable statements of nicety, not good.  so what do i do?  crying on the clinical floor is not terribly professional.  but i am not sure what to do to get better.

probably would have helped my cardiology test if i hadn’t gotten the “thanks, but no thanks” email from the advisory board just before the exam.  they could have at least interviewed me in person.  haven’t heard about the tech job yet too and we are going on thursday.  this week is pretty crushing, really. (though i did get an awesome and awesomely timed valentine’s day card from mathew and rothko.  boy toy brought me flowers on saturday night, though we then had a slight communication problem that made me feel weird.  the flowers are awesome though)

i have an OB test tomorrow.  SO not interested, but there you go.  got to get to that.  today i thought that perhaps if i failed out the term (and please, PLEASE do not leave a trite comment like “oh heather, you’ll be fine” .  i am tired of people ignoring how i feel about things) but got the tech job, i could be a tech for a year, work full-time, get excellent at it and repeat my final semester.  that i might feel more confident, comfortable and do better.  better for everyone.  it did take me 6-months to start ramping up at HP.  then i kicked-butt, but healthcare feels kinda different.  especially with the patient loads we have.  fuck i wish i had a partner who could help study and conquer this.

estimated delivery date = 1 day of LMP + 7 days + 9 months (LMP = last menstrual period)

even if trent reznor asked me out, i still wouldn't have time

sent in my application for the versant residency program at Seton hospital here in austin. i think of myself as middle of the pack from a candidate attractiveness standpoint, but i am REALLY hoping my weird background will help.

walked into the nursing manager’s office on the telemetry floor at st david’s and asked for a job.  got an interview a week later and NAILED it!  they could still turn me down because i graduate in may (why put so much work in if i might leave in may?) but i am hoping they are seeing me as a potential full-time candidate for RN.  i will hear early this week

i am fascinated by the greek debt “stuff”.  though it came from fox news, i liked the following analysis: greece’s grim choice

i like the marshall plan idea.  cuts vs default is horrible in SO many ways.  a softer landing, managed by the germans or someone fiscally prudent, makes the most humane sense to me.  it will be like an economic occupation, but i think that is the new world we live in.  is revolution coming, or am i just getting old?

back to cardiology…which is still very cool…

cardiology is cool

my life moves too quickly.  this week i have had: my first week on the oncology floor, more cardiology lecture (13 classes of and TONS of actual meds), mgmt class, nerd night, applied for a job, in person, at St David’s, got an email about a healthcare software job and went to the gym.  it is all going by so quickly.  the job opportunities are especially awesome, but i don’t feel like i can catch up.  tomorrow i have a volunteer gig and a job fair, plus homework and boy toy (not complaining about boy toy).  so tired.  the whole, assuming you don’t fuck anything up short-term, you are going to be an actual nurse soon, seems to be sinking it.  it’s sort of scary and sounds like relief too.  i’ll have less things going on.  i’ll be busy.  but i won’t have 10 things to do.  may 8th.  check with me on may 8th.

my friend alec, who graduated from law school, posted on FB: “sounds like law school. there’s no answer to the self abuse question. just do what you can hour by hour, day to day. play the short game and you’ll get there. looking at all of the work at once will only achieve the void looking back into you. three months from now you’ll look back and wonder how you did it.”  i am trying to make this my mantra.  i still need to do some longterm planning, for instance i have accepted that i will be writing my research paper over spring break, the week before it is due but besides that, i am looking to what is due next week and stopping at that.  it has helped to calm me a bit.  getting the st david’s part-time job would reduce my stress a lot, though it would add a different kind of stress.  net less stress though.