i woke up feeling really alone this morning. not sure why. i mean, i graduate in may and have all sorts of people rooting for me. there all kinds of wonderful people in my life right now. classmates and goth buddies and improv friends. i have a wonderful lover. and yet, i woke up feeling really alone. i didn’t want to have lunch alone, but i couldn’t think of anyone to call. the one person i did think of, was “cwampy” (my word). cwampy sucks. i felt bad for her. in the past, this feeling would have caused me to panic. it didn’t today. i had things i needed to do, so i focused on those. sold my bicycle and old bed frame (the princess bed is dead, long live the princess bed!). went to my happy place (the container store) and target. had chinese food. when i used to feel like this, i would panic that no one valued me. i know people love me, but that is abstract. to value someone, in my mind, is to want to be with them. i felt, if i had no one to call, then no one must value me. weird logic, i agree. this time the feeling just made me sad. and it pushed me back towards the partner side of the “what type of intimate relationships do i want” conundrum. i am uncomfortable thinking i want a partner so i don’t feel alone, but it feels deeper than that. it isn’t just to avoid feeling alone. it is to gain a bond. to experience the positive feeling of connection. i think now, i am just waiting to find someone who might be the right person, and to start down that path. so though i felt alone this morning, it’s temporary and really not so bad.
at the new year’s party i attended, people talked a lot about hating 2011. i wasn’t sure i agreed. i lost two people from my life in 2011 (not dead, just gone). one is certainly more important than the other. but they were both big loses regardless. school was hell. and yet, i feel like the year wasn’t so bad. i moved forward. i did amazing things (besides surviving nursing school). i spent time with wonderful people. life is life, things go up and down, get better and worse. but i am still moving forward. and it seems to me, that is the best possible outcome. i was stressed and sad and scared many times. but i kept moving and it feels good. am i delusional?
i went to elysium for 80s night tonight. i even rode my scooter (beauty, the black one). it wasn’t very crowded. with tomorrow being a holiday for so many people, i expected it to be packed. but it seems people were still pooped from saturday night. it felt good. not quite enough new wave, for my taste, but i didn’t hear “men without hats” either. it was nice to be on the dance floor. i even met a gentleman who can really bust a move! he has style too. i also think he is probably young enough to be my child. but it was a positive night. even stopped at denny’s on the way home, just like old times.