i suppose i should say something

things are fine. i have a lot of studying to do for my test on monday. talked to my mom recently and she invalidated every emotion i shared with her. the term is finding a rhythm. i am still nervous about being a nurse. i don’t feel comfortable. and yes, i realize, i am totally new to this world, but i am also 42 years old and have seen a lot of things. it seems like i should be more calm about my new environment. i am provocative. i ask hard questions. doesn’t seem like this is appropriate for patients. then again, silly chit-chat doesn’t seem useful either. also, i don’t remember a fraction of what i have learned in these last 2 and a half years. dropping facts into my brain just doesn’t stick. i need to be able to relate it to something i already understand. i do notice that, as i learn new things, things i have learned before come up and make more sense. so, i am confident i am going the right direction. it just scare me i am going to make a mistake because i didn’t remember that a low TSH means the patient needs diet high in carbohydrates, protein, calories, vitamins, and minerals and the doctor prescribed a diabetic diet, but i didn’t catch the error, or at least question it. i want to give my patient’s the BEST nursing possible, and i just feel like i don’t have the facts to do that. mind you, i would totally be inclined to look everything up, until it starts to be second nature, but in texas at least, there is no limit to how many patient’s a nurse can have! i know i am smart. i know i care. i know i will make the effort. but i worry about having the facts and/or time to truly do it right. and YES, i KNOW i am new and i have to give myself a chance to learn. but so many of my classmates have this info stuck in their brains. it is there for the picking, as they need it. my skills are special. i am a special (and not in the short-bus way). but this IS life or death in some cases, and at least current health status, and i want to do it right. what i need is more exposure to the environment. now that my UI has completely ended, i could get a job. i wouldn’t be doing it for the money (i would have to work a ridiculous number of hours to make the same amount) but for the experience. though i fear taking time away from studying and maintaining sanity in general. what would it do to my stress level? what would it do to my grades. see, these are the moments i had a partner to reassure me. or at least brainstorm solutions. back to my GI test review… (generally though, i am doing fine)

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