Daily Archives: September 12, 2011

i think i have made a terrible mistake.

why is it so hard for me to be single right now? the last time i was single was when i moved to austin. and i LIKED it that way. what is different now? sure, my life is significantly harder, yet somehow more satisfying. being an analyst was not satisfying.  i like what i am doing right now.  so why do i want someone to come home to SO badly?  i just really want to share with someone.  i know there are all sorts of people who care, and yet, no one who is MINE that cares.  does that matter so much?  perhaps part of it is the estrangement with my best friend.  though i do have some very close and terribly wonderful friends, she and i have been putting up with each other for 20 years.  it shakes one’s foundation.  maybe this is my mid-life crisis?  though i was sure i had that at 14 (wrote an essay on it even).  people often tell me how impressed they are with my strength.  that i just keep going.  but i really wouldn’t know what else TO do.  anyhow, i want to be able to come home and tell someone about my triumphs and tribulations for a particular day.  not to lay them on the other person, but to let them go.  too feel understood and then to fuck like bunnies (sorry sensitive ears). sure, there may be a time when i need to be carried. or at least helped along.  but seriously people, how often do you think that is with me?  i really think that if i receive some of the support that i have asked for, that i would be much better.  it would break the spiral of hurt.  as i understand, supporting someone is hard.  and yet, i don’t find it hard.  which isn’t to say i am perfect at it, but i don’t fear it.  i KEEP trying.  because what else are you supposed to do?  am i clueless and lots of people i have tried to help have wanted me to stop?  i have learned when something is a lost cause.  though that is usually reserved for religiously delusional people.  or hardcore male chauvinist pigs.  anyhow, i fear this new panic.  this weird yearning.  is this what i get for failing in my longterm relationships?  is this one of those, “see, it finally caught up with you, heather” things?  i have always been fine, home alone, with my belief system.  perhaps, something about the hear and now, is stronger than that belief system?  (don’t worry, i am not going to find god to have a primary).  is it weird that i need to process my goods and bads before i can let go and enjoy? this sense of need scares me (not the goods/bads thing, the wanting a partner thing).  i worry about the impact on my judgement.  i don’t think i am going to make anyone else miserable about it.  these are the cases where i try very hard to hide things.  but i worry about how miserable i will be.  i might go back to that crying in public thing.  that would’t be good.