i help people. i’ve helped a lot of people this weekend.  it has felt really good. don’t get me wrong, i love being able to offer myself and make a difference.  you can think about it as a selfish thing e.g., i hate to see people struggle or be miserable, so to make my own anxiety go away, i lend a hand whenever i can.  but why not help?  sure, i have a lot of balls in the air right now, but i am pretty good at managing time too.  and some things, just take precedence.  period.

at the same time, as i mentioned in my previous post, being awesome doesn’t really do me and my needs a lot of good.  i am a strong female who can generally take care of herself.  but that doesn’t mean i don’t have needs.  mine just aren’t typical.  i need to feel wanted.  and the way i feel wanted is by people being curious as to my life.  asking me, before i share with them, how my test went, how school is, if the planning for the next party is going well.  and sometimes, when i am blue, cause my life is pretty stressful right now, saying to me “hey, how about we lay on the bed and i’ll hold on to you and tell you a story?” (i REALLY like bedtime stories.  that is one of the things i still really miss about patrick, his awesome kitty-cat gruff stories).  that’s it, that’s all i need.  because it makes me feel wanted.  sure, taking me to dinner, asking me to attend events with you, is obviously done because you want to do it with me, but they aren’t “me” focused.  they are us focused.  and sometimes i want to know it is about me.  funny, huh?  seems very out of character for a strong and independent female like me, right?  but see, being strong and independent doesn’t make me an island.  it is like morrissey sings in the song tattooed on my arm, “i am human and i need to be loved”.  it is just that what i see as love tends to be more subtle than what it is for most people.  or so it seems.  and i am conflicted by “you have to tell your partner what you want” vs “it doesn’t count if i tell you to bring me flowers”.  patrick bought me daisies for valentine’s day when we were at chico.  it was great in many ways.  they are my favorite flower.  it was valentine’s day.  and finally, and most greatly, he didn’t stress himself out to do it, so when he brought them too me, they were given with totally love. he had ordered them days earlier, and on valentine’s day, when there was a line out the door of guys that had waited until the last minute, he walked in, to the front of the line and the florist just smiled and handed them to him.  (i bet the florist appreciated patrick that day too!) it was that he offered me this expression of his love without duress or angst.  he did it because he wanted to. i want my partner to extend love gestures to me, because he wants to.  sure, i understand that finding someone that experiences love exactly like me is sort of unreasonable.  but it doesn’t have to be that.  i can simply be that they know this is how i feel loved so they do it.  cause they love me.

i was jealous this weekend.  i was jealous of how ross was caring for audrey.  kind of embarrassing to admit, but whatever. and sure, she was hurt in an accident so she needed assistance.  anyone would have done that.  but it was something else. there was a tenderness that ross exhibited that i would love to see pointed at me by someone.  is that not possible because i don’t exude any need?  which isn’t to say that audrey is some pathetic girl that can’t take care of herself.  audrey has seen life and gets it done.  but she did reveal a need and ross stood up to provide it.  because he wanted to.  because she deserved it.  i’d like someone to feel that about me.  both ross and audrey went on and on about how awesome i was/am, after showing up to the scene of the accident and being shuttle service, all without question (because it should be without question!)  and yet, i spent saturday night alone again.  oh sure, i could get a date, i could get laid if i wanted to.  but i don’t seem to be able to find someone that wants to express their love for me by being curious.  i am awesome.  seriously, i am. but i don’t seem to connect and i can’t figure out why.