Daily Archives: August 1, 2011

can't catch a break

i didn’t get the job with AMD.  the boss told me that he would keep me in mind for other jobs.  but isn’t that what they all say?  even if i decided to stick with nursing school and didn’t take it, it sure would have been nice to be wanted.  the unemployment rate for those with a college degree or better is 4.4% supposedly.  that makes me feel like an even bigger loser in that i haven’t found anything.  ok, i haven’t applied for anything in the last 12 months.  but still.  talk about making someone feel unwanted.

my mother has wanted me to go on anti-depressants for years.  i have always resisted, because like i told her, i don’t burst into tears in public, so i think i am doing just fine keeping it together.  could i be doing better?  hell yeah.  should i be doing better?  i would say yes to that too.  but it is hard doing it alone.  i have friends that love me, but i am really not sure what that means.  katie has been stellar.  fantastic advice, the right timing and tone.  and everyone that has read about my sadness has been really verbally supportive.  but is that enough?  should that be enough?  should i be ok with simply knowing the improv community are my friends, event though they don’t reach out to me personally at this time when i can’t stand the sight of andreas?  if i can’t be ok with that,  is that an appropriate response?  i think this takes me back to that conversation i never finished with my mom.  what does your love mean?  if you won’t help me when i need you the most, when I ask for your help, what does your love mean?  it just dawned on me that my mother seems to think about helping a loved one like andreas does.  that you can’t always help them.  you just can’t.  but i believe differently.  i believe you can always do SOMETHING.  it may not be exactly what they are asking for, but it would be something that means you haven’t just failed or given up on them.  it says that you care.  i BELIEVE that with all my soul.  this world isn’t worth inhabiting if we can’t help each other somehow.  but i have strayed from the subject…it seems a bit like the welfare system.  we only catch people when they have lost almost everything.  we don’t help them before it all falls apart or once they start putting it back together. (this isn’t everyone, though it is the welfare system).  if i am on food stamps and housing subsidies and i get a job at mcd’s, i am cut off from help.  i can’t make enough money at mcd’s to live, but now my help is gone.  so i lose my job, start to slide down the ladder.  when do my friends DO something to help me?  (i am not saying i expect all my friends to call me tomorrow and offer me free room and board or anything…but what about pimping me to their finance departments? to be fair, andreas offered to let me move into his house right after i lost my job.  i know he was just trying to help, and i appreciate that, but it was also sort of insulting.  he offered to help with health ins too.  but never followed through on that, ultimately.)  maybe my problem is i have moved around too much and don’t have deep enough roots.  i can respect that.  it’s hard though.  i want someone to draw up a list of what my expectations should be.  how people will respond to my expression of need.  that would make this a lot easer.  back to antidepressants…well, i now do burst into tears randomly.  it has only been a couple of days, but it is really hard and really embarrassing.  i don’t think people know what to do when i cry.  everyone sees me as so strong, that can’t believe i would cry.  maybe that is my problem, i am normally just too good at taking care of myself.  how does one change that exactly?