i went to see 69 love scenes last night. Mo wrote half of them. it was an amazing show. i am not familiar with the magnetic fields 69 loves song records, but the event was amazing. it was more sad, to me, than happy. except the jewish couple. they were always sweet. but there was a lot of trying, and not finding, love. it was beautifully executed. my new roommate, jay byrd, was in it. he was brilliant. everyone was so courageous on stage. the only weakness was hugo. he was suppose to be one of a pair of gay lovers. he just didn’t do it. he didn’t connect. all the other love pairs matched emotion. he seemed disconnected. but it was still so brilliant i think they should take it on the road or to a bigger theatre in town. something. people should see this. and my roommate wrote half the plays!
unfortunately, andreas was there. the ONE day i go to savage vanguard, in like 5 months, and there is andreas at the box office. he is on the gnap committee so he works occasionally. but why last night? why wasn’t he at the naked show? it physically pains me to see him. i know exactly why too. it is a mental conflict that it creates. i see him and my inclination is to be excited to see him, to want to interact with him like i always did. to share with him. but then i realize i can’t do that. because he won’t respond to me the same way. because he won’t respond to my sharing the way i want him to. because he doesn’t want to be with me that way anymore. and since i am not his girlfriend, ultimately my life “has no consequence” to him anymore. he’ll listen and smile and then it will be gone. i don’t want to share with people like that. i want to matter. of course, all my friends don’t take and hold everything i share. i don’t do that with all my friends. it just isn’t possible. and i don’t expect it from everyone. but i expect it from some people. and for quite sometime, i expected it from andreas. and i can’t just turn that off. i guess it is about expectations. and expectations don’t just change over night. so whenever i see him, i feel this pain. a physical pain in my chest. i sort of wish that my heart would just stop, so i could go to the hospital and then i wouldn’t have to deal with it. i wanted to leave the show last night. i just so didn’t want to be around him. but i was there with my friend natalie and it was Mo’s show and i really wanted to see it. and it was so good. really, i am sorry you all can’t see it. whether you like the magnetic fields or not, it is wonderful.
oh, and one of the videos showed a boy i went on a couple of dates with, who i liked, who just never called me back. so rude. it felt like heather rejection night. and so now i cry in the middle of a coffee shop when i should be reading my textbook.
i had a friend who had an intensive therapy experience last week. i wished her luck on monday and sent her a note hoping that she had a good week on friday. she called and wants to hang out. i’ve met my new friend Natalie and we hang out a lot. we relate a lot. missed Mo something terrible when she was gone. we texted like teenage girls. there is that good thing that happened to me a couple of weeks ago. that continues. and i have had some dates. and yet, with all the friendship i lend, i can’t find anyone to love. all the relationships in life feel wonderful. but it still leaves me feeling like the bridesmaid who is never a bride. people think i am so cool. i do create wonderful things for the people around me. and i love doing it! (made two pillows yesterday and cinnamon rolls for my new friends at the stitch lab). and yet i feel all alone in this world of people around me. it is like i can’t connect to anything around me and i have no idea why.
the news hasn’t been good for me lately. the talk of the government bickering over the debt ceiling. fucking republicans. it stresses me out so much. those of you with jobs, have no idea what it is like. regardless of how i spend my money, the amount i have left won’t last forever no matter what. and i don’t have a job. and even though i am going into a high need field, it is also any area the industry is trying to save in. and i have no experience. i could certainly find a job somewhere. but it would likely be away from my friends and life. the stress is unbelievable. i just want to be productive. i am young and smart and strong. i should be allowed to help and live. and i feel like the gov’t is just making that so much harder on me and the rest of the unemployed. and i still have 11 months to successfully navigate. please don’t just say i am smart and will do fine. cause that isn’t how it works. it’s hard, it is really really hard. even if i do succeed. it has been so hard. so very very hard.
it helps to talk. that is why i keep writing like i do. the guy from the psychiatric floor at S&W, who lectured on thursday, said it is the quiet ones to fear. so i keep talking.