i am a little weirded out

let me start by saying it is better to be having this problem than the opposite.  i have too many dating offers.  and i feel weird about all of it.  though i have enjoyed the company of several people i have met and hung out with lately.  i can honestly say i am a bit afraid of committing to have sex with any of them.  which is totally bizarre.  i am a sex-positive girl!  of course, that has never meant i would sleep with just anyone.  but i enjoy it and i miss it.  and yet i feel more reluctant to share it these days.  i want it to count.  normally sex-positive means being open to experience and not too heavy about the meaning or conscience around sex.  and yet, i feel pretty conservative about sharing it right now.  perhaps i feel like people focus too much on my sexuality?  which isn’t really fair, being my sexuality is really out there.  i mean it is a big part of my life.  but it isn’t just about having it.  it is about experiencing it and i am not feeling quite right about to possibilities that have been coming my way lately.  i feel a pressure to perform, to lead.  and i don’t want to.  i want it all to be casual.  this probably goes along with my desire for a relationship that starts at the 6-month mark.  anyhow, i am not sure what to do.  i don’t want to disappoint people or bum out possible dates.  but i also just don’t have the energy to deal with it all.  going back to school is almost a relief in being able to bury myself in something.  perhaps my grades will reflect that this summer session.

i got terrible news this week about my health insurance.  because of a status my rep changed in my TAA file, i lost my subsidy.  this is a mistake.  but the IRS totally booted me from the system and, once it gets worked out, which it isn’t yet, i will have to go through the registration process ALL over again.  which means at least 2 months of $485/mo in health ins.  this is a prime example of why i don’t trust people and i ask again and again if something is done and what the consequences of changes are.  i am suppose to call a particular office on monday to see about fixing it.  but i have little hope that it will get fixed without my having to shell out $485/mo for several month.  why me?  i am a good person.

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