being in belton always causes me to think more.  to be inside my own head.  in austin i can distract myself more.  tonight it is a bit of self-pity i suppose.  i am thinking things that i have been afraid to think.  i am just not sure why i have been afraid of them.  am i afraid because i think they are wrong?  or because they are wrong?  i feel alone.  i feel unsupported.  people think i am so strong.  and i am, but we all have our limit.  did i want to move-in with you, have you cover my rent, when i first lost my job, andreas?  no, of course not.  it was just the beginning and i had lots of fight in me.  i had plans.  i had hope.  would i have liked some words of support?  not, “there is no need to worry” but something more like “i know you can do it.  any ideas what i can do to help?”  and as things dragged on, and things got harder, that’s when more support would have been nice.  instead, i got left.  and if that is just the truth, it is.  but i don’t have to like it.  i don’t have to find it ok, even if i understand it.  i didn’t understand why patrick wouldn’t talk about us anymore, but it was ok.  this is the other way around, i understand it, but it isn’t ok.  and your friends want to help you, but how?  what can they do?  listening only goes so far.  perhaps this is what i get for not having many close friends.  for only having a very few deep relationships.  this is what i get for spreading myself around.  not enough connection to get the support i need.  if i even knew what that was.  i am all i have.  and i am petrified of what is going to happen to me.  i read an article about how being below the poverty line keeps you below the poverty line.  things like not having enough money to have a bank account, thus having to pay a fee to cash checks and a fee to pay your rent.  i feel like my position is doing the same thing to me.  i am so sad that i am sad around people and they don’t want to be around sad.  which makes me sad.  it is like the trend of it being harder to get a job when you are unemployed than when you are employed.  you know, when you don’t need it as badly.  anyhow, i feel unsupported.  and i don’t think it is necessarily 100% my responsibility to ask for what i need.  i don’t expect that of my friends, the people i care about.  for the last several years, when i hadn’t heard from my best friend in a couple of weeks, i would call her, because i would know something was wrong.  she would say that she didn’t want to call until she had something good to talk about.  which i would tell her is silly, what are friends for?  we’ll get to the fun stuff.  we always do.  she was really there for me when patrick ended our marriage.  she got in her car and drove to be with me.  that was amazing.  yet now, when we both struggle.  we i try really hard to be supportive with this huge transition she is going through.  i feel unappreciated.  unsupported.  am i wrong to feel this way?  it scares me to think it.  i don’t want to be wrong.  i don’t want to be unfair.  but i also don’t want to feel this way and i don’t know what else to do about it.  “i am sorry it made you feel that way” is a great way of being clear.  but it isn’t “i didn’t want to do that and i want to fix it”.  it is just acknowledgment.  which is good, certainly.  something that i think would make most relationship communication more effective.  but it doesn’t solve my hurt.  i feel like i have these hurts that i am carrying around that i can’t let go of.  and part of me thinks it is all my fault for not being able to let go and part of me feels like i should be treated better.  how do i get the support i need?  how do i know what i need?  when my mom and i had our big falling out, in the aftermath, i said that i just needed to hear she would help me.  that the logistics might not have worked out the way i was requesting.  but that what i really needed was to hear “yes, i love you and will help you.”  and she couldn’t give me that.  do i expect too much?  i don’t expect more than i am willing to give.  does that mean i give too much?  seriously people, i don’t have a job, my money is running out, nursing school is NOT a slam dunk, there is not a shortage of new nurses, and many schools are seeing a hiring rate of 65% within 6 months.  and i am alone.  and i am doing the best i can.  but every study will show that the longer you are under stress the less capable you become able to deal with it.  i just keep saying to myself that i am strong and talented and worthy and life is linear, things move forward and will change.  but it is just so hard.  so so hard.  at least i will be able to move my stuff soon.  that will be one less thing to worry about.  and when my kitties finally move back in with me.  that will be linear.  it will be pieces of my life coming back together.  and that is the direction to go.  and yet, i am almost 42 years old.  doesn’t that make these feelings wrong?

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