self-discovery

i learned something about myself this week in regards to relationships.  i have been perplexed about how i’ve felt apprehensive regarding my dates last week.  the ones with the boy where we connected emotionally and intellectually.  was it really the compliments that  bothered me?  something made me feel weird and uncomfortable.  i had talked to my therapist about it and i was going to try and not “throw the baby out with the bath water”.  then i sent a message to another boy that looked REALLY familiar, but i couldn’t place where.  and the note i got back was hysterical.  it started out by criticizing, in a very complete and detailed manner, my lack of capitalization.  there was other stuff too.  don’t want to get into too much detail as that isn’t the point.  the point is, it was fun!  and THAT was the difference.  though me and boy1 seem to connect, and he is certainly creative and fun seeking.  our fun didn’t match.  the banter between me and boy2 was way more fun.  and i felt more excited about meeting him in person.  it is great to connect with someone.  and certainly if my fun boyfriend couldn’t communicate otherwise or was cruel or lazy, fun wouldn’t be enough.  but i think i now know the connection i need is fun.  though patrick and i weren’t “fun” to start, our relationship happened so quickly, that we became a couple that has fun.  andreas and i were in a relationship for a different reason to start.  then as it grew we had fun.  i think in both my marriage and with andreas, when we stopped having fun it was over.  so, though i like boy1, i see why i am apprehensive.  cause i am not feeling the fun.  it also helps me to understand why on previous dates in life i have been “meh” even though intellectually they seemed like a potential match.  because the experiences weren’t fun.  my therapist asked if i had ever been really into someone when i barely knew them.  i said no.  but i have felt excited about people soon after meeting them.  and that is because they were fun.  i find this very useful information.  will totally help me understand how i feel toward boys when i meet them.  and this means boy1 is definitely out and i am going to go out with boy2 again for sure!  yeah self-discovery!

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