blah blah blah it makes me wonder

so i went on a date on wednesday evening.  someone i met on okc.  though i admit i think it is foolish of me to even try to find a boyfriend, being i have 8 weeks until i disappear back into nursing world, i also feel i can’t NOT try.  last week i was starting to feel like i would never find anyone.  that i was too old and everyone around me was single for a reason.  that is, of course, a very arrogant position unless i assume the same about myself.  which i sort of do, but not entirely.  i’ll explain that in more detail later.  but i will also say, i am awesome and men would be lucky to date me (cause i’m awesome, seriously, i am).  anyhow…my match percentage with this person on okc was 99%.  and though his profile talked a lot about camping and the outdoors, i figured, if we match 99% we should at least meet.  so i wrote him and told him that.  he replied that his idea of camping involved nice weather and baths.  we agreed to have coffee .  we agreed to have coffee at HIS house. now this is not normal.  girls who date on the internet do NOT meet their dates for the first time at their house.  they meet them in a neutral location.  but somehow i felt ok about this.  our email banter was comfortable.  so we had coffee.  we talked about how we saw life.  i mentioned the important fact, to me at least, that i do not belong to one group.  i don’t spend the majority of my time doing any one activity.  lots of people do.  i would say the majority of people do.  but that isn’t me.  in fact, i am pretty anti-goup joining.  groups mean drama and politics.  which isn’t to say i don’t still get sucked in sometimes, but i try to avoid it.  this really struck him.  he said it perfectly described how he saw himself.  it explained some of why he felt awkward.  we talked about people not being truthful.  how when people ask how you are doing, they don’t really want the honest answer.  when he moved here from india at 24, this was a VERY confusing concept for him.  annoys the hell out of me.  i brought up my comments about the phrase “i am sorry” (see blog entry innocuous post).  he agreed strongly.  we talked about how we both like to define things.  for instance, what exactly does someone mean when they say they are “dating”?  we agreed that a lack of agreement on definitions really messed up a lot of relationships.  we also both wished that people would tell us the truth when they decided they didn’t want to see us anymore.  that is the sucky thing about online dating.  people just disappear or they say something vague like “no chemistry”.  considering my previous concept, wouldn’t it be helpful if people defined what “no chemistry” meant to them?  apparently people lie sometimes and just say they have started dating someone else.  that surprised me.  needless to say, we really clicked.  i enjoyed talking to someone that didn’t seem to bristle at my tendency to tell it like i see it.  he also commented frequently on my style.  how nice i looked.  how striking i was.  which i am.  black hair, well-fitting black dress, heels and red lipstick.  it’s my style.  we agreed to have dinner at the weekend.  he would make dinner and i would bring a pie (they had blackberries on sale at HEB – nom nom nom).

the day of our dinner was the same day Mo got back.  and i had my phone screen and subsequent talk with HR from AMD.  which was totally confusing.  so by the time i got to his house, i wasn’t really feeling like i wanted to play the “get to know you” game.  i told him i was feeling weird because of the school vs job stress.  dinner was delicious.  my pie was excellent.  we talked about more life things.  whether you had to have interests in common with your partner for the relationship to be successful.  i think it helps.  he thinks it isn’t really necessary.  you only have to want to make your partner happy, so you would do the things your partner enjoys to achieve that.  i sort agreed.  with the exception of the vegas rally, i never really found scooter rallies fun.  at least not after having attending a particular rally once (most rallies are yearly).  same music, same people, same conversations, same music.  i found them totally boring.  but i went, and i interacted with my friends, because patrick loved scooter rallies.  he loved to ride with people.  to be with people that loved scooters.  when it came out that i didn’t enjoy rallies, patrick got rather upset and asked why i attended.  i said because they were important to him, and that was what mattered.  i realize some people don’t find this behavior genuine.  but i think it is absurd to expect your partner to be as into the things you are into as you are into them.  and i still want my partner to come and do the things i am super into with me.  like riding scooters, but not necessarily going to rallies.  anyhow, second date was nice too.  we made out.  i had to explain the definition of high school level making out, since he went to high school in indian and there was no making out involved.  h commented a lot on how wonderful he thought i was.  how i both had style and was sexy.  how when he opened the door the day of our first date, he was stunned by how amazing i looked.  and then i just got better as we talked.  strangely, this makes me uncomfortable.  both patrick and andreas responded to me this way when i met both of them.  and we see how those both ended.  i became this person they just could not stand to be in a relationship with anymore.  the person that attracted them so much to start with, now made them want to flee.  i guess this fellow is slightly different in that we connect on an intellectual level.  patrick, by his own admission, was just in awe of me.  he didn’t say much to start with.  andreas seemed similar.  he didn’t say much but his attention felt like overwhelming interest.  guess it could all just be NRE (new relationship energy).  and yet, i don’t feel the same way, even when i like the person.  i am suspicious of it.  with andreas it kept me from committing to the relationship for a very long time (a very bad thing, i think).  would it do the same in this case?  with andreas i wasn’t looking for a partner, i was looking for a playmate.  now that i would like to find a partner, why does the intense interest in me make me so uncomfortable?  it isn’t that i don’t feel worthy, like i said, i’m awesome.  i just don’t trust it.  we barely know each other, how could he be so interested?  at the same time, i would really like to meet someone i am strongly attracted to (physically, emotionally and intellectually).  and yet, i am not sure i can just do that.  is that even possible until you really know them?  i mean, i want to embrace chemistry because it feels good, but to speak so strongly, so soon?  or perhaps i am just being bitter and tainted for not being willing to believe?  i still think you can be excited about someone, think they are awesome, without going overboard.  overboard makes me nervous.  then again, might i be missing an opportunity by taking a step back inappropriately?  if i find this person an intellectual and emotional connection like i haven’t previously, should i ignore my instinct because it is being unnecessarily jaded?  or were these lessons i have learned and i should heed them?  and if i do, what sort of reaction from a potential partner should i trust?  is the “when harry met sally…” way the only way to go?  is it really that i am just too exhausted to try and build a partnership right now and what i am secretly wishing for is the “perfect” person to fall into my lap and sweep me off my feet?  is that even possible?  i just don’t know and it is 3:30 in the morning so i am going to sleep.

One thought on “blah blah blah it makes me wonder

  1. Listen here….I like all these questions you’ve got going on, but ultimately, as generic and freakin’ “Sleepless in Seattle” as it sounds, you must go with your purdy lil heart. Don’t make any assumptions about this dude that would correlate with how the past dudes acted…..just let it be. Am I making sense? I feel insightful today so let me ramble. You’re a smart gal but sadly in any relationship you might make the smartest decision possible and then still get shipwrecked. (What a nice metaphor for a pirate.) SOOOO methinks you should go with the flow…see where it takes ya…..and look at this guy as a new beginning. Any relationship has its problems, but the best relationships are the ones that can have those problems, deal with them, and still love each other just the same afterwards(and with possibly a good smack in there somewhere). MY LORD I should knit that onto a pillow. Hang in there sweet cheeks!! 🙂

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