Daily Archives: June 1, 2011

today at the therapist

we continued on the topic about friends.  it is almost 3am now and i am having a hard time remembering exactly what was said.  it helped me focus on what i want, but not how to get it.  i don’t need a lot of help.  i am an independent girl who is really good at taking care of herself.  but it would certainly make me feel better, feel more supported, if people expressed that they wanted to be there for me.  an example, when i lost my job, i called andreas.  he offered to come to the coffee shop i was at.  that was really nice.  i appreciated that.  i didn’t really need it, but i appreciated the offer.  then he offered to “take care of me”.  he said i could move into his house and he would cover the bills.  that insulted me.  i DO realize he was trying to offer help, but it wasn’t the help i needed.  i needed him to just offer me some help.  say something like, “i don’t know where this leaves you.  is there anything i can do to help?”  he could have even offered something like letting me move in, but to make the offer broad would have really been what helped.  i am not sure he could actually do that though.  not sure an open offer is possible for him.  i asked him if the capo could stay at his house because i had no where to keep him.  he said no.  well, he didn’t exactly say no.  he lamented about having 3 cats in the house and stuff.  that would have REALLY helped me though.  and i even asked for that help.  anyhow, back to finding good friends.  how does one do that?  and honestly, i like being lots of people’s friends.  i do have a lot of friends.  there are a lot of people that i consider my friend and that i would bend over backwards to help out.  but there aren’t a lot of friends i would feel comfortable turning to.  people i feel it would be appropriate to lean on.  andreas was one of those people.  that didn’t quite work out as planned.  i need to find people who understand my cerebral nature and don’t take offense to me calling it like i see it.  most of the time that means asking awkward questions in attempts to understand something.  sometimes it means saying awkward things because i am worried and/or concerned about my friend and i am trying to help them.  it will always mean that i am a heavy person that constantly contemplates how the world around me works, what motivates people and what influence i have on it and it has on me.  i like to have a good time.  that was something i liked about andreas.  we did more fun things that i usually do.  but life has a serious side and i spend a lot of time in it.  i want to continue to be a better person. i want to grow and understand.  that means talking about serious things.  that means looking at the world critically.  and i hate bad surprises.  i am the second most organized human being on earth (my friend vivian is #1), i want to be sure i am on top of things.  lots of shit goes wrong.  i have been hung up on, when the next agent was picking up my call from hold, 3 times in the last week!  sure, i can just call back.  but it is an example of the accidental things that happen.  my financial aid has only been right 1 out of 4 terms so far.  i don’t think my concern and micromanagement has been unwarranted.  better safe than with no electricity, i always say. (no electricity, you know, because my financial aid falls through and i can’t pay my bill.  so i am going to worry about stuff.  but i am certainly the optimist in a sea of pessimists.  and expressing my concern helps me feel better about it.  feel in control of it.  so i need friends that can handle that.  i really don’t think it is so much to ask.  and i have a lot to offer.  so how do i find people that can, and want to, be around a person like me?  connect with a person like me?  i’ll try and remember more about what we specifically talked about.  it will make this sound more meaningful.

got a phone call from a recruiter at AMD today.  they are looking at me for a finance position.  it is very attractive, i have to admit.  it is in the manufacturing area,which i LOVE.  it would direct hire. it would mean benefits and positive cash-flow.  and there are still so many unsure things about nursing.  i really feel that SHE has taken the excitement out of me, in regards to becoming a nurse.  she was so unsupportive.  she seemed to want us to fail.  perhaps it is a way of weeding out the weak.  but i hardly seem myself as the week.  and yet, i feel very blah about it all.  phone screen on thursday.  we’ll see how that goes.