Monthly Archives: June 2011

it got worse before it got better

yesterday sucked.  u-haul gave me a ridiculous run-around. if you can’t fulfill my reservation, why let me make it?  i ended up with a 17′ truck when what i really needed was a 10′ truck.  luckily i was able to get katie’s boyfriend randy to drive it for me.  he was a god-send today.  her kids were put to work loading.  meant we didn’t have to stack anything.  the move was mostly smooth.  i lost a mirror, but my bed got altered.  i am going to have a house warming party where i invite people to vandalize my bed in the form of graffiti.  i need to change the marital bed.  another step away from my past relationships.

mo’s living room is full of my boxes and furniture.  once the vanity gets picked up, things will be manageable.  at least all the walk ways will be clear.  then it is just a manner of making sure the movers don’t pick-up the wrong boxes when they come in august to load mo’s pod.  kitties are still in belton. they come down here at the end of july.  i feel more calm having the move out of the way, even if we are crammed with stuff.  somehow it makes me feel more whole.  i still feel terribly sad and alone.  my friend ray read my blog and has been trying to get in touch with me.  he has a new-born baby and i feel he should spend time there.  more so, i fear that if i do take him up on his offer to help, and then suddenly he has to attend to his new family, i’ll just feel second-class again.  i want to be the most important to someone.  i am very loyal to my friends.  and while i completely understand why the majority of them put me further down the list, i think some of them should put me further up the list.  not that i expect people to drop everything for me.  but i want to sense my priority in their life.  i have mentioned the proactive thing, but there must be more.  i want something else and i need to put my finger on it so i can articulate it.

baby step

on thursday we move my stuff from belton to austin.  baby steps.  though it will all be in boxes, it will be nice to have it all in one place.  i’ll almost feel like i have a home (full homeness will come in aug when the kitties come down).  i packed today and my largest packing group was my kitchen.  which blows me away since i don’t cook.  i have a lot of ingredients for baking though.  2 whole boxes of “pantry”.

i figured out one of the things that i want as support from loved ones, you know, partners and close friends.  i’ve probably mentioned it before, but it is more formulated in my brain now.  i want proactive friends.  i want friends that check-in with me and remember that i have something coming up and then check back in with me to see how it went.  someone that calls up and says, “how’d that test/interview/presentation/date go?”  that is how i treat people.  that is how i would like to be treated.  someone i was talking to about this said that people don’t do that anymore.  i do that.  and maybe people need to start doing it again.  this electronic world allows us to have SO many interactions.  i like those interactions.  but i need deep friends too.  a couple of them hopefully.  is that so unreasonable?  i want friends that will have hard conversations with me.  friends who will take the higher road and keep at it when i fight the message.  i do that.  i try very hard.  i want people that will invest in me, as i want to invest in them.  that means the good and the bad.  with me that probably means letting me process out loud my fears and anxieties before i can move on to joy.  but i definitely want to go to joy, i just need to process before i can get there.  i don’t want people in my life that are only going to be there when things get really rough.  i want loved ones that are there in attempts to avoid the rough stuff.  in some ways, it seems this goes against the entire american friendship model.  no one ever wants to rock the boat.  i need my boat rocked!  i got some rocking to do!  and we will all be better for it.  we will feel loved.  we will be supported.  we will follow our dreams, and be able to sleep at night while doing it.  is this detailed enough?  i know what i am saying, but i worry i am not being clear enough in what i need.

i can’t remember if i have explained what i see as the goal of couples counseling.  i apologize if i am repeating myself.

  1. learn tools for communicating – this might mean exploring where the communication isn’t working first
  2. practice communicating – this would be solving problems using the new tools
  3. integrating new communication seamlessly into every day life – at this point it doesn’t feel like work, it just is

it is entirely possible that through this process you me determine you have differences that can’t be overcome.  in that case, your relationship might end.  but at least it is ending with full knowledge and understanding.  seems the least i can offer my partner, if i choose not to be with them anymore.

belton

being in belton always causes me to think more.  to be inside my own head.  in austin i can distract myself more.  tonight it is a bit of self-pity i suppose.  i am thinking things that i have been afraid to think.  i am just not sure why i have been afraid of them.  am i afraid because i think they are wrong?  or because they are wrong?  i feel alone.  i feel unsupported.  people think i am so strong.  and i am, but we all have our limit.  did i want to move-in with you, have you cover my rent, when i first lost my job, andreas?  no, of course not.  it was just the beginning and i had lots of fight in me.  i had plans.  i had hope.  would i have liked some words of support?  not, “there is no need to worry” but something more like “i know you can do it.  any ideas what i can do to help?”  and as things dragged on, and things got harder, that’s when more support would have been nice.  instead, i got left.  and if that is just the truth, it is.  but i don’t have to like it.  i don’t have to find it ok, even if i understand it.  i didn’t understand why patrick wouldn’t talk about us anymore, but it was ok.  this is the other way around, i understand it, but it isn’t ok.  and your friends want to help you, but how?  what can they do?  listening only goes so far.  perhaps this is what i get for not having many close friends.  for only having a very few deep relationships.  this is what i get for spreading myself around.  not enough connection to get the support i need.  if i even knew what that was.  i am all i have.  and i am petrified of what is going to happen to me.  i read an article about how being below the poverty line keeps you below the poverty line.  things like not having enough money to have a bank account, thus having to pay a fee to cash checks and a fee to pay your rent.  i feel like my position is doing the same thing to me.  i am so sad that i am sad around people and they don’t want to be around sad.  which makes me sad.  it is like the trend of it being harder to get a job when you are unemployed than when you are employed.  you know, when you don’t need it as badly.  anyhow, i feel unsupported.  and i don’t think it is necessarily 100% my responsibility to ask for what i need.  i don’t expect that of my friends, the people i care about.  for the last several years, when i hadn’t heard from my best friend in a couple of weeks, i would call her, because i would know something was wrong.  she would say that she didn’t want to call until she had something good to talk about.  which i would tell her is silly, what are friends for?  we’ll get to the fun stuff.  we always do.  she was really there for me when patrick ended our marriage.  she got in her car and drove to be with me.  that was amazing.  yet now, when we both struggle.  we i try really hard to be supportive with this huge transition she is going through.  i feel unappreciated.  unsupported.  am i wrong to feel this way?  it scares me to think it.  i don’t want to be wrong.  i don’t want to be unfair.  but i also don’t want to feel this way and i don’t know what else to do about it.  “i am sorry it made you feel that way” is a great way of being clear.  but it isn’t “i didn’t want to do that and i want to fix it”.  it is just acknowledgment.  which is good, certainly.  something that i think would make most relationship communication more effective.  but it doesn’t solve my hurt.  i feel like i have these hurts that i am carrying around that i can’t let go of.  and part of me thinks it is all my fault for not being able to let go and part of me feels like i should be treated better.  how do i get the support i need?  how do i know what i need?  when my mom and i had our big falling out, in the aftermath, i said that i just needed to hear she would help me.  that the logistics might not have worked out the way i was requesting.  but that what i really needed was to hear “yes, i love you and will help you.”  and she couldn’t give me that.  do i expect too much?  i don’t expect more than i am willing to give.  does that mean i give too much?  seriously people, i don’t have a job, my money is running out, nursing school is NOT a slam dunk, there is not a shortage of new nurses, and many schools are seeing a hiring rate of 65% within 6 months.  and i am alone.  and i am doing the best i can.  but every study will show that the longer you are under stress the less capable you become able to deal with it.  i just keep saying to myself that i am strong and talented and worthy and life is linear, things move forward and will change.  but it is just so hard.  so so hard.  at least i will be able to move my stuff soon.  that will be one less thing to worry about.  and when my kitties finally move back in with me.  that will be linear.  it will be pieces of my life coming back together.  and that is the direction to go.  and yet, i am almost 42 years old.  doesn’t that make these feelings wrong?

bought a hoop. have a plan.

i bought a hoop.  i plan to hoop for 20 minutes 5 days a week while listening to the news in the morning.  going to do killer things to my abs.

got a plan for the move.  the cleaning lady helps me pack on tuesday.  katie, randy and katie’s kids duncan and conner help me load a truck and deliver to austin on thursday.  the cats will stay in a mostly empty flat until end of july.  then 2 weeks here with Mo.  then i am totally moved.  one less thing to stress about.  that really helps.  still think i need a nap.

way to go NY state!

gay marriage is now legal in NY state!  woohoo!  come on CA, you gonna let NY take the glory like that?!

went to dinner and coffee with a friend last night where we got into a debate about the constitution.  it migrated into a semi-economic conversation.  it was fraught with misunderstanding and difficulties in explaining myself.  in the end, i still don’t think i said what i really meant.  let’s start at the end…i think that silicon valley should subsidize the LA inner cities, in terms of education and health benefits, in the inner city LA has a very clear impact on silicon valley.  assuming you have the states as they are now, that we can’t reduce the units of organization anymore than they are now, if silicon valley ignores inner city LA, it is going to cause problems over time.  crime, economic activity (if not net cash flow), commercial flow, environmentally.  on the other hand, i don’t think silicon valley should subsidize south dakota.  they have created a unit of organization that causes a need for net inflow of cash due to social costs like unsustainable pregnancies, excess health costs and reduced productivity.  silicon valley doesn’t get enough from s. dakota to warrant silicon valley paying for s. dakota’s decisions.  ultimately what i want is policies and processes EVERYWHERE that encourage and support healthy/well-educated populaces.  because i believe when you have healthy and education, you proposer.  or at least you have a much better chance at it.  sure, some people are going to ignore it all, but then i don’t have a problem holding them accountable for their decisions, because i have given them every chance i could.  but i would cut off s. dakota (assuming i was silicon valley) WAY sooner than i would inner city LA, because of the impact it would have on me.  i mean, isn’t that my base most position?  i am trying to save myself time and money?  am i being consistent in treating s dakota one way and inner city LA another?  i think so.  because i would cut off inner city LA, as much as i could within the framework of a state (something that already exists) if through appropriate implementation of policy, inner city LA stayed a money pit.  but i wouldn’t do it as quickly as i would s. dakota because i can’t impact policy there with the exception of my federal tax dollars being spread there.  of course, this ALL requires a hell of a lot of changes in how our country operates, so it is sort of mute.  but you have to try, right?  you have to contemplate how you would want it to be and work that direction.  is my plan perfectly balanced?  probably not.  but i believe i do a pretty good job (even if i don’t think any of it is possible at all) in giving people, in this case the unsuspecting state of s dakota, the choice of how to proceed.  if they come to me and say “hey silicon valley!  we have these idea for reducing our constituents reliance on services using these empirically (or at least well supported) policies and programs but we need some help making them happen.  could you help us out?”  i’d be cool with that.  i want to help people better their and their neighbors lives.  and by better, i mean, provide for more reliable and quality health and quality of life.  is this me forcing my value system on them?  for some people it would.  for those that simply think living by the rule of the “bible” is the most important thing, i have rearranged priorities on them.  but i think the majority of people, even the religious, would agree that reliable and quality health and quality of life is something we should work towards for everyone.  it is a matter of how we disagree on.  then again, maybe that is where i am getting wrong.  i mean, a lot of people don’t think good health is a right, but a privilege.  back to my helping…on the other hand, if the US decides that people not getting services and unwanted pregnancy are a priority, i’ll just apply for asylum in france.  wanted to do that the second (or first, depending on your perspective about the 2000 election) time dubya was elected.

the conversation started because my friend is writing a paper advocating a tighter application of the constitution.  for example, he doesn’t think roe v wade was an appropriate decision.  he CERTAINLY agrees in the right to a legal and safe abortion, but he doesn’t like the application of the 14th amendment in this case (or potentially brown v board of education and a couple other significant cases).  i asked how you get social advancement if you don’t get it through the judiciary.  i don’t think he answered that question.  not because he avoided it, but because we got side tracked onto something else.  i think he said something like “isn’t that pushing california’s values on s. dakota?” and we went from there.  i don’t think i have such a problem with pushing my values on some people.  isn’t that how we have gotten a lot of the social changes that we have come to strongly agree with?  perhaps it is better to have the change come from something grass roots, but, isn’t it STILL ultimately the legislature that makes it official?  some say the legislature is more appropriate than the judiciary because it represents the people more as the people elected the legislature.  but sometimes, you take what you can get.  sometimes it needs to be a first step.  if the CA court of appeals hadn’t invalidated the ban on same sex marriage.  if the court hadn’t over turned prop 8, would the NY legislature taken the step they did today?  i don’t think the push would have been there.  do protests, like those of the 60s, work anymore?  there were a LOT of protests leading up to the war in iraq.  didn’t seem to make a difference.  legal action seems to make a difference these days.  anyhow, that’s how i feel about it.  and if you disagree, that’s cool.  it’s just how it feels to me right now.

seriously effin' awesome article

Five economic lessons from Sweden, the rock star of the recovery this article was fascinating.  the item that interested me the most was the item on providing services to the unemployed, as well as, not fighting about who paid for it.  why does the US have such an aversion to helping people in need?  sure, there are some bad apples that milk the system, but they are the minority.  is it a fear that without the threat of ruin americans will stop innovating?  stop being the country that invents things like the automotive industry and the internet?  we are already losing in terms of noble prize worthy research.  so it kind of seems like whatever did drive that innovation has already disappeared from american society.  is that the welfare state?  because that really came into place with LBJ.  sweden invented some cool stuff…the celsius scale, seat belts, hemodialysis, encryption machines, dynamite.  they also had several inventors that were critical in computer development.  ok, perhaps they haven’t come up with things so widely used as cars and the internet, but it certainly seems we needed what they invented.   of course, a lot of these were a long time ago.  but sweden has had benefit societies since the 1700s (they were governmentally institutionalized in the 1960s).  that seems to suggest that the welfare support of sweden has NOT prohibited the country from being prosperous and offering the rest of the world the fruits of its best and brightest.   it seems to me, though i admit this isn’t a scientific analysis, that everyone doing better would be better for everyone.  would the ultra-rich have less money?  maybe?  but maybe by paying more taxes they would get more because the rest of society would get more?  productivity would go up because everyone had an easier time?  is the US so different than sweden?  the US seems to make itself out as special, allowing us to invent and create bigger and better things.  but is that true?  or would it be any less true if we had a better governmental support system for those in need?  there is this idea floating around in my head and i can’t quite get it to gel.  the US is averse to higher taxes.  it is averse to people getting services “for free”.  it is profitable and has been very innovative in the past.  sweden learned from its financial crisis of the 90s in terms of banking and has supported its people with services since the 1700s.  granted they haven’t produced as earth shattering things as the US (with the possible exception of dynamite, no pun intended) but maybe that is related to other things…like the weather.  i dunno.  i just think that the US could learn from sweden and really wonder why it is we can’t get over this aversion and repulsion to helping those in need, with help, that would dig them out of their position (sliding scale UI/rent subsidies anyone?)

i’ve noticed i have NO interest in dresses with sleeves these days.  not even capped sleeves.  it is sleeveless or nothing.  have i mentioned that i am considering wearing colour again?

i survived! and with style…

well, made it to NOLA and back on my pretty pink 2-stroke!  no serious issues on the way home, besides being exhausted.  we rode for 12 hours the first day of the return.  there were some long breaks, but still, sheesh!  it did make the last day only 150 miles.  that was great.  made it easier to be ready for my interview today.  one thing at a time though…

this is my posse.  from left to right…christine, our support vehicle driver (very flexible driver!), myself, suellen (rode my bikes), kitteridge (mp3), sue (her bike was the one that burned to the ground…Kymco was super cool though, they gave her a bike to ride home), john hopkins (burgman), mark anderson (mp3 – GPS master!), alice steele (kawasaki and THE coolest 63 year old you have EVER met!)

heather_posse

here is my victory photo.  i tried to get a more “in the air” shot.  but it is harder than it seems.  and i was already hot and tired, i didn’t want to keep jumping up and down in the air.  proud though.  i am very proud of what we did.  what i was able to do.  that was a LOT of miles.  and it is such a cute scooter!

NOLA_return

new orleans was amazing.  i seriously want to move there.  no, seriously.  it would take me 2 years to get a compact license.  but maybe i can just sit for the La NCLEX?  or get into administration?  alice works for the state of CA and says they would love to have people like me.  the beauty around me is really important to my sense of peace.  europe is beautiful.  NOLA is beautiful.  and i am sure i would get use to the humidity.  the people who live there obviously do.  anyhow, riding around was fun, though cobblestones get old quickly.  having coffee at cafe du monde and listening to bands playing in the street.  the architecture!  the food is yummy, though i did start to miss veggies a lot.  it was great to see all sorts of old friends, though weird too.  i talk about patrick a lot.  especially at scooter events.  that obviously makes people feel it is ok to talk about him.  they shared a lot about what is going on in his life right now.  things seem to be really really good for him.  he has a house, a nice car, lots of scooters, he got a big huge job offer and does all sorts of scooter design stuff.  i try to stay positive about it.  it is awesome to hear how great things have become for him.  but then i feel weird cause things aren’t so great for me.  kind of makes me think that there is something wrong with me.  same thing with christine, only she is the patrick in her divorce.  though she feels things are hard, everything is going the right direction in her life.  new men, a job, a new degree, a new home.  brent did lots of mean things to her and now she is getting to move on to the life she has deserved.  same with patrick.  but i seem to be going the wrong direction.  my life has certainly not gotten better since things ended with patrick.  that must mean that i was the horrible one.  the one holding him back.  and now i am getting what i deserve.  and yet, i really do feel like i am a good person.  i help people because i can.  but even christine said that i intimidate people.  my posse thanked me with a card and money for a massage at the end of the ride.  but i don’t understand why.  they said they wouldn’t have been able to do it without me, but i don’t believe that.  and, in fact, i think that i annoyed them quite a bit with my concerns over route and such (though i did warn them my bikes would be slow).  do i just make REALLY bad decisions?  am i just unlucky?  i tend to believe we have control over our lives and positions.  so it seems more likely to me that it is something i am doing wrong.  but i don’t know what.  to simply say i am too assertive is too vague.  especially when people look towards me to lead.  it feels like a catch-22.  anyhow, i have heard a bunch more bad data on the economy and i keep reading articles on how the nursing field has a glut of new nurses and they are having a difficult time finding jobs.  i don’t want to have fought this hard to end up at the mercy of anyone that will help me.

my interview went well today.  i really clicked with two of the managers whose teams i would be working with.  they were very process oriented.  the man that would be my boss is very finance.  just basic data in, analysis done, info out.  not as exciting as the stuff i was talking to the other managers about.  the VP was very straight-forward.  he looked at my resume and said give me examples of your SAP knowledge, data mgmt experience and MS office expertise.  but i liked his style and philosophy.  i told the boss that i was rusty and it would take a bit for me to ramp up.  he said AMD was different and it took him 3 months to ramp up when he joined.  he said they would talk at the end of today, just briefly, and he would call me by the end of the week with an update.  he also said he wanted to interview some more people but needed to work more with HR.  i think they were hoping i would be a slam dunk, and i am not.  but i also think they really liked me.  i wouldn’t be too surprised if i got a call on a job in a different group.  i am just so scared of being alone right now.  my resources and options are dwindling.  there is only me.  i have to take care of me.

here is a photo of the couple i want to be when i grow old.  they bought the hearse on eBay.  the paris license plate too.  they have never been pulled over for it.  at the rally, the rode two-up.  they wore formal wear to the banquet.  his tux even had tails!  they are SO cool!

hearse_scooterists

lolcats makes it better:

amerivespa in new orleans success!

-one of the riders from CA had her bike burn to the ground about 100 miles from austin (video to follow)
-the support vehicle died in the parking lot of the hotel before we even started the trip (better than in middle-of-nowhere tx though)
-we were rolling so high on the throttle that we didn’t notice the bike go on reserve (and thought it died)
-a regulator went out and the bike kept eating batteries, thus we spent 2 1/2 hours at the dairy queen in dayton, texas
-i almost ran dry of 2-stroke oil because my hand bag was hanging on the hook in-front of the indicator  (rookie move)

but we made it!  we made it to baton rouge first and had AMAZING cajun food and chair massages at moto rouge.  then we rode the “tail of the gator” at twice the speed limit (40 instead of 20).  i waved at some cows which endeared me to some of my fellow riders (they were watching us ride by, i couldn’t just ignore them).  then i led a group of riders (because i was on the slowest bike, and do a pretty good job leading) into new orleans as we didn’t want to go so slowly with the bigger group.  i took a GLORIOUS shower, walked over the to the local scooter shop to grab my peeps and hit the ernst cafe for dinner.  my pulled chicken barbecue sandwich was awesome.  the barbecue sauce was made with coffee!

slept beautifully until 7am!  christine and i took our time and went to cafe du monde for coffee, orange juice and beignets.  the coffee was a perfect cafe au alit.  omg it was so good.

christine and i are going to hit the local shop for some 2-stroke oil before we go to the rock-n-bowl event.  tonight is a burlesque show and brass band.  tomorrow a group of us are going to go on either a cemetery or ghost tour.  it is a fabulous time in new orleans!

btw, the republican leadership conference is going on at the same hotel amerivespa is using.  wow, is that weird.  SO many young people in ugly business wear!  we were thinking of tempting some of the men to our rooms to take photos and blackmail them for life!