hosted book club at mathew and rothko’s house tonight. it was a nice evening. i made cinnamon rolls and a coffee cake. i am guessing there are a lot of people sitting up awake right now. made a caprese salad as a protein offset as well. we talked about the book only a bit, as usual. the book, the eyre affair, by jasper fford, spring-boarded us to a bunch of the conversations about alternative but relatively “normal” worlds. and then scary episodes of dr who. i feel as though i should make an attempt to watch the series at this point. i have so many friends that worship it and i have been hearing more and more comments about it lately. must be a sign.

i talked to my therapist today about having friends that aren’t very nice.  i feel weird about saying something like this.  she made a good point though, when she brought it up.  recently i had attempted to set-up a servicing agreement.  we met, negotiated what we were both interested in, and agreed to some boundaries.  then we set-up a date.  a couple of hours before we were suppose to get together, this person called me and said they had had a major drama event happen the previous week and wasn’t feel terribly sexy.  i could respect that.  totally.  and i felt bad for them regarding what had happened.  ironically, when we were negotiating, i had suggested that their life was a bit chaotic.  they said that though there was a lot going on, no single event was drama filled.  i wanted to avoid drama.  i don’t have the energy for drama.  i was just looking for something pleasurable and easy.  anyhow, a couple of weeks go by and i am talking to this person at an event that we both were participating in.  i asked how the drama thing worked out, was everything ok.  they said yes.  i then ventured to say, “i guess that means we aren’t going to be playing then”.  the replied quickly, “oh yeah.  sorry, i should have gotten back to you.”  yep, you should have.  my therapist thought it was rude and insensitive to cancel something at the last minute and then just ignore it.  she remarked, even if it were just a lunch, you should say something about rescheduling or contact the person a few days later about rescheduling.  i guess i have told her other stories where she thought something similar had happened.  i felt disposable to this person.  i have never thought of myself as a cold person.  i am an extremely cerebral person, but not cold.  if i were cold, i wouldn’t have asked if this person were ok and their drama resolved.  so my therapist thinks that i should try and insist that my friends are nicer to me (and this isn’t all my friends, obviously, and i feel really weird even contemplating the idea, but i do feel hurt).  my worry is that i will over expect.  i will over complain.  i will over hurt.  as a child, i was overly sensitive.  at this age, i realize a lot of it has nothing to do with me.  but on the other hand, it doesn’t mean that my feelings don’t count.  i think i mentioned, i asked my friend helen if i seemed like i didn’t have any feelings.  she said yes and no. that  i give off the idea that i am impenetrable.  that is a hard one for me.  i am confident.  i am worthy.  and why would i want to bring my friends down with moaning about my worries?  very often, when i do mention that i am worried about something, people just sort of poo-poo it.  i get the standard, “oh, you’ll be fine.  you are so smart.”  so what if i am smart?  that doesn’t mean i am going to be ok.  it takes more than being smart to be ok.  i told my therapist that i was starting to worry there was something really wrong with me that i was totally unaware of.  she asked what that could be.  i said i had no idea but that i am obviously doing something wrong in that i can’t get the support that i want.  andreas once told me that one of the things he liked about me was the way i treat my friends.  i am guessing he was referring to my loyalty.  that i will bend over backwards to help them.  but i am not blindly faithful.  and the way to help someone may not be to sugarcoat something.  i am going to call it like i see it.  but that doesn’t mean i think someone is a bad person.  and it doesn’t mean i won’t support them.  it just means i am worried they will get more hurt, or in more trouble, if they don’t see everything that is going on. that i want to be sure they are completely aware of what is going on.  and even if it is what *I* see as going on, i still think it is important. we are pretty blind when we are in the middle of something. i’d want my friends to do the same.  so anyhow, do i pick insensitive friends?  do i put up a front like i don’t have any feelings to hurt?  do i need to learn a language for telling people that something they have done has hurt me, without being overly expectant based on the depth of our relationship?  i think i do more for my friends than i am comfortable with them doing for me.  and it isn’t a self-worth thing.  it isn’t that i don’t feel i deserve to be treated just as well.  it is just that i know what i do is a lot, sort of overboard in some cases, and i feel it is unreasonable to expect the same from others.  but respect and consideration should be universal.  i think i will ask elizabeth, my therapist, about a language and some queues for balance.  i asked for a ride to drop off my scooter this week.  three people offered to help.  i was surprised and delighted.  guess asking for help is easier than i thought.

andreas thought that he expressed how proud he was of me for getting into nursing school and such.  the only thing i can possibly think he is referring to is when i would post something about getting into school or doing well on a test and he would post a “good job”.  that isn’t supporting, that is responding appropriately to something.  supporting is proactive, not reactive.  does that mean my friends, who i do consider my good friends, are only responding appropriately when the comment on my experience?  sort of.  at the same time, they aren’t an every day part of my life like my partner is.  and when i do see them, they always say something.  they always ask how it is going (even if they read my posts).  my best friend calls up to see how things went.  katie comments on my bad days of what she wishes she could do to help me.  i love that.  andreas texted me the day of a test, when he thought approximately i would have finished, and wished me good results, twice.  i remember them both because i was so excited.  he thought of me.  that felt great.  responding to my post on FB is just responding on FB.  it doesn’t count when they are your partner.

i don’t like the phrase “i am sorry”.  i think it is over used.  to me, “i am sorry” means that i regret doing something and i am going to work very hard not to do it again.  rarely do i think that is actually what people mean when they say it.  andreas use to say sorry a lot.  especially when he forgot something, like a date.  i found this a worthless effort.  i didn’t actually believe he was sorry.  because he was going to do it again.  there were very few times when andreas said he was sorry to me that i felt it was appropriate.  he felt i didn’t say sorry enough.  but there were few times where i felt i would have done it differently given the opportunity.  so what should one say when you do something you mean to do, it hurts your partner, you don’t like that it has hurt them, but you wouldn’t do it differently?  should you say “i am sorry that hurt you”?  which is specifically NOT “i am sorry that i did that”?  perhaps that is the problem with “i am sorry”.  that people aren’t specific enough?  perhaps the problem is people expecting too much equality and agreement?  “i am sorry” must mean a complete “i am guilty.  i did something wrong” admission?  seems to me that just leads to unequal expectations. in my next relationship, i will have to explain how i feel about that topic and see whether we can come to an agreement about it.

i am almost 42 years old (the answer!).  i have had 2 major relationships in my life.  patrick and andreas.  i dated david for a long time, but he was my first boyfriend, and though significant, i can’t call it major.  i mean, we lived at home, or at least, were still “our parents children”.  i married patrick pretty close to that status.  but we grew up together.  andreas was my first fully formed adult relationship.  i think i did pretty good.  sure, i didn’t do everything right.  but i think i make a great girlfriend.  still, i am afraid.  i am afraid i won’t meet someone that i click with.  less single people as one gets older.  and harder to meet.  at book club tonight i was sad to be one of the only partnerless people in attendance.  it made me very sad.  it would be nice to have someone to process the day with when i get in bed at night.  perhaps that is why i haven’t been able to sleep since school got out.