today i went to the renegade craft fair with rothko and then lunch with her and mathew.  then we went back to their house and i made cinnamon rolls.  they didn’t have any white flour so i used whole wheat.  the rolls tasted like butter/sugared wheat toast to me, but they loved them.  woohoo!  it was awesome hanging out with them.  i really love having the chance to spend time getting to know my own friends better.  sounds silly, but i really like rothko and mathew (with one t).

went to a second DA meeting on friday.  it was odd.  they talked about getting a bank account for the chapter’s funds.  they were concerned about the treasurer changing every 6 months and how hard it would be to change over ownership of the bank account.  they weren’t sure about paying bills on line.  the group doesn’t seem to know much about money matters.  which, i suppose, makes sense.  but what about us that DO know a lot of money, but still spend too much of it?  i really feel i just need to find a friend who can help me with behavioral things.  i just don’t know anyone who i think is in the space to do that.  not even sure anyone would feel comfortable doing it.  i am going to try a couple more meeting this week and see how i feel about it.  i am really hoping to find some members that can relate to my position.  we’ll see. (seems like a really awesomely supportive group, i must say).

last night was running of the bulls.  the taurus birthday night at elysium.  i didn’t go.  just wasn’t in the mood to be friendly and such.  that being the case, i didn’t want to go and be a drag.  the idea of getting dressed up was just dreadful.  and THAT is a scary thought.

signed up for some sewing classes today.  taking a crash course the first weekend in june.  then a longer beginners course in july.  i WILL learn to sew a straight line!  honestly though, if i could learn to make simple skirts, it would make me profoundly happy.  i can bake, but that is about the extent of my domestic talent.  if i could learn to sew, i’d feel much better about my place practicality in the world.

i have noticed recently that i am under a lot of stress.  it is silly stuff, but really stressful none-the-less.  for instance, i had a printer i needed to return but i didn’t have the box to send it back.  i stopped by office max to see if they had one i could have.  ended up having to buy one, but one of the employees there helped me pack the printer in it, with padding and have me some advice about creating my own packing slip.  it was such a relief to have that done, and done in a way that made me comfortable with the final shipped product.  i have other little nagging things on my to-do list that i have been getting through and has just made me feel so much less stressed.  so many little things have built up.  i think this is the result of being on one’s own.  and, honestly, when i was dating andreas, i still had this stress.  he wasn’t much for the little stuff (other than the party).  i felt on my own.  occasionally i would ask him to help me out with something.  bring me lunch or headache meds when i was covering the counter at secret oktober.  he always seemed put out.  which is neither here nor there.  it just felt so awesome that this girl at office max wanted to help, she REALLY wanted to help me.  and she wasn’t even selling my anything.  in fact, she was helping me send something back.  that felt great.  i sure would like more of that in my life.  i wonder how i could get more of it?

i saw my therapist this week.  i had lots of topics to cover.  one thing she said to me, based on the info i had shared, was it seemed that a lot of my friends are pretty inconsiderate.  at least the ones i am placing some trust in.  for example, i had tried to set-up a servicing agreement with a male friend.  when we talked it was apparent he had a pretty complicated social life.  lots of women spinning around.  i mentioned this.  he replied that though his life was complicated, the individual events were not.  so we negotiated boundaries and made a date for the next weekend.  a couple hours before we were suppose to meet, he called and said that he had, had a huge drama occur with a girl that he was head-over heels for (asked if he had mentioned her previously, he hadn’t) and he wasn’t feeling sexy as a result.  i understood completely.  and yet, it was exactly what i was trying to avoid when i suggested his life was awfully complicated.  2 weeks later, i believe, we were prepping for KS and i asked him if everything was ok with that girl.  he said it was all worked out.  i remarked, “i get the feeling we won’t be playing then.”  he replied, “gosh, i should have gotten back to you about that earlier.  i’m real sorry.”  it made me super sad though.  not because i wasn’t going to get laid (i am starting to think i am approaching the ‘forget what it feels like’ window) but because people seem to think they can just ignore my feelings like that.  no, we didn’t not have a committed relationship in anyway.  but common courtesy suggests that one should get back to someone when you suddenly cancel a date, regardless of the activity.  i asked my friend helen if i seemed to be a person with no feelings.  she said yes and no.  that i give people the sense that i can take care of myself, that i don’t need anything.  and sure, i can take care of myself, but everyone has feelings.  no one wants to be blown off.  when anyone puts themselves out there, they would like others to take care.  i may be tactless sometimes, but my intention is always to help.  i engage because i want to help.  i check in with people, even strangers on a bus or train, because i care.  sometimes i say the wrong thing.  but at least i try.  i think everyone should try.  it might not work, it might not always solve the problem, but sometimes it might help a little.  and for me, someone just trying to help, means the world.  it means they care enough to give me their time and energy.  for them to potentially put themselves at risk.  move outside of their contort zone because your discomfort is greater.  is that an unreasonable expectation?  i really don’t think so.  but maybe i am just living on another planet.  wouldn’t everyone want to be treated that way?  so anyhow, how do i start signaling to people that i have feelings that matter.  that i wanted to be treated with consideration and concern?  how does one do that without seeming needy?  suggestions anyone?

post-semester spa day tomorrow! (got a 50% discount from groupon)  i wish i were going with a friend, but it will still be nice.  massage, facial, and pedicure.  ahhhhh……