oh, right, i passed

sorry i didn’t mention it sooner.  i passed.  didn’t get the B i was hoping for in med surg.  my GPA was a dismal 2.77.  ouch.  haven’t had one that low since my first semester of my freshman year.  but i passed, and that is what matters at this point.  as i have previously blogged, i have a new game plan for summer/fall.  i believe i will be far more successful.

had a conversation with andreas last weekend about why i didn’t want to be his friend.  he doesn’t understand how saying that the negative things in my life weren’t a problem for him anymore because “they had no consequence on his life anymore” hurt.  he replied, that friends problems aren’t as significant to a person as partner problems.  i guess we do friends differently (there is a difference, no doubt, but friends problems are significantly important too).  he then went on to comment how great he felt as soon we broke up.  how he felt like himself again.  like he had been twisted and now he could fill out the box and be happy again.  nicely done andreas.  are you SURE you don’t understand why i don’t want to be your friend?

i went to a debtor’s anonymous meeting tonight.  i am not sure it is going to work for me though.  i realize it is a big red flag of denial to say i am different from those people, but i certainly believe different.  the gentleman running the meeting has been in the program for 11 years.  i don’t think i believe in “therapy” for that long.  sure, some of it is maintenance, but still, the way they all talked about it.  the program doesn’t believe you need to know why you got into debt.  i don’t agree with that.  my problem is i over spend.  (andreas alluded to this in our conversation on sunday, i laughed very loudly inside).  recently, with andreas breaking up with me and struggling in school, i have realized i spend when i am stressed.  it isn’t so much that buying something makes me feel better.  it isn’t the thing.  it is the activity is soothing.  a lot of time it is stuff to further organize my life.  make other things easier.  and they do help.  but this is not a healthy habit.  i use to buy a lot of stuff that i ended up not using.  i have gotten MUCH better about that.  i know how to talk to myself about what i am buying.  i don’t buy things that aren’t right for the need to am trying to fulfill (like the right desk for studying or a pair of shoes for a certain outfit).  certainly, CERTAINLY, i buy things i don’t need.  i don’t need much, honestly.  and that is the problem.  my belief is that you solve problems like these by solving the problem that creates the anxiety.  oh sure, school stress won’t go away until i am finished.  but i need to find another way to respond to the stress.  and i need some behavioral help.  my problem there, and the reason why DA might work, is i don’t have any friends that i think can help me with the behavioral things.  if i had a partner, i would ask them to help.  don’t think i would have asked andreas, but it would have been nice had i felt i could ask andreas.  but i am sure it would have just been too negative for him. (i am going through the anger stage of kuebler-ross.  it’s a process.)  i want someone i can talk to about spending.  someone i can call in a weak moment.  someone who will look over my budget and spreadsheet with me.  someone that will hold my amex for me.  see, i am petrified of not having access to emergency credit.  but if i have access to credit, i will use it.  what has kept me with a good credit rating is that i have always paid my bills.  but if i am not careful, i may run out of money before i finish school.  that would be bad.  so i need to do something about it before it gets me in real trouble (ignoring the fact that my retirement is almost completely depleted as real trouble).  ANYHOW, i am seeing my therapist on friday, though we are suppose to talk about trusting my gut/heart vs my brain, but maybe we need to talk about this.  i’d like to see her regularly this summer, but i am not sure that works.  anyhow, i am trying to get control of this and i need help doing it.  and finally i am trying some different ideas to get the help i need.

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