almost there

my last important final is monday.  i did pass my last med surg exam.  not brilliantly, but enough to make it relatively easy to pass the course.  isn’t that weird?  me talking about just passing the course.  i really want to get a B, so i am going to try very hard to do well on the final.  but i don’t want to be greedy.

some things have clicked for me at the end of this term.  i don’t expect it to be easier, but i do have a plan.  of course, i still need to figure out a way to ask for help.  though it is nice that people have such confidence in me, it doesn’t mean i am an island.  and i am not big on having people dismiss my concerns.  as nice as it is, just believing in me doesn’t mean i will understand the material or pass the course.  i need to figure out how to ask for the help i need.  i did ask katie to help me review flash cards on sunday.  i find flash cards by myself not as effective.  need to find somewhere we can go the people sitting around us aren’t annoyed my discussions about the signs and symptoms of TB and COPD.  nothing like a in-depth description of a chest tube to ruin someone’s lunch.

i am thinking of offering to be in the saturday rotation for fall.  it is a 12-hour shift.  i like the idea of getting a full shift.  it means i will be able to practice helping a client through the entire process.  makes me nervous too.  but i think i need to hit this head on.  ruins my weekends, but i’ll have thursdays and fridays off.  my new weekend.  it’ll be good to be forced to stay on top of an entire day.  a cycle of AM care, ADLs, appointments, assessments.  i’ll get to do it all, every day.

when school gets out i have a huge list of things to do.  i am going to go back and see my therapist.  last time i saw her she said that i need to learn the difference between listening to my brain and my gut (heart).  i was talking to a classmate about relationships today.  told her about how i felt that the mistake i made with andreas was by holding on to the “this isn’t a meaningful relationship” thing too long.  it meant that i didn’t share what i was feeling.  i didn’t ask for what i wanted.  nor share when i appreciated something.  sort of silly, being the relationship went on as long as it did.  i am not saying that would have solved it.  may have just made it shorter when andreas decided he didn’t agree or what i needed wasn’t what he wanted to give (cause everyone has different ideas about relationships).  but at least i would have put my foot forward.  that will be a difference i make next time.

the capo is acting crazy.  rolling around next to me on the couch.  squirming.  now optimus prime is curved into a backflip.  what is p with these cats?  the capo sleeps on me at night.  and i really mean ON me.  it’s rather nice, actually.  the children form a triangle on the bed.  crazy cat lady.

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