i should NOT listen to the smiths while updating my website. sing to me stephen patrick……
hosted book club at mathew and rothko’s house tonight. it was a nice evening. i made cinnamon rolls and a coffee cake. i am guessing there are a lot of people sitting up awake right now. made a caprese salad as a protein offset as well. we talked about the book only a bit, as usual. the book, the eyre affair, by jasper fford, spring-boarded us to a bunch of the conversations about alternative but relatively “normal” worlds. and then scary episodes of dr who. i feel as though i should make an attempt to watch the series at this point. i have so many friends that worship it and i have been hearing more and more comments about it lately. must be a sign.
i talked to my therapist today about having friends that aren’t very nice. i feel weird about saying something like this. she made a good point though, when she brought it up. recently i had attempted to set-up a servicing agreement. we met, negotiated what we were both interested in, and agreed to some boundaries. then we set-up a date. a couple of hours before we were suppose to get together, this person called me and said they had had a major drama event happen the previous week and wasn’t feel terribly sexy. i could respect that. totally. and i felt bad for them regarding what had happened. ironically, when we were negotiating, i had suggested that their life was a bit chaotic. they said that though there was a lot going on, no single event was drama filled. i wanted to avoid drama. i don’t have the energy for drama. i was just looking for something pleasurable and easy. anyhow, a couple of weeks go by and i am talking to this person at an event that we both were participating in. i asked how the drama thing worked out, was everything ok. they said yes. i then ventured to say, “i guess that means we aren’t going to be playing then”. the replied quickly, “oh yeah. sorry, i should have gotten back to you.” yep, you should have. my therapist thought it was rude and insensitive to cancel something at the last minute and then just ignore it. she remarked, even if it were just a lunch, you should say something about rescheduling or contact the person a few days later about rescheduling. i guess i have told her other stories where she thought something similar had happened. i felt disposable to this person. i have never thought of myself as a cold person. i am an extremely cerebral person, but not cold. if i were cold, i wouldn’t have asked if this person were ok and their drama resolved. so my therapist thinks that i should try and insist that my friends are nicer to me (and this isn’t all my friends, obviously, and i feel really weird even contemplating the idea, but i do feel hurt). my worry is that i will over expect. i will over complain. i will over hurt. as a child, i was overly sensitive. at this age, i realize a lot of it has nothing to do with me. but on the other hand, it doesn’t mean that my feelings don’t count. i think i mentioned, i asked my friend helen if i seemed like i didn’t have any feelings. she said yes and no. that i give off the idea that i am impenetrable. that is a hard one for me. i am confident. i am worthy. and why would i want to bring my friends down with moaning about my worries? very often, when i do mention that i am worried about something, people just sort of poo-poo it. i get the standard, “oh, you’ll be fine. you are so smart.” so what if i am smart? that doesn’t mean i am going to be ok. it takes more than being smart to be ok. i told my therapist that i was starting to worry there was something really wrong with me that i was totally unaware of. she asked what that could be. i said i had no idea but that i am obviously doing something wrong in that i can’t get the support that i want. andreas once told me that one of the things he liked about me was the way i treat my friends. i am guessing he was referring to my loyalty. that i will bend over backwards to help them. but i am not blindly faithful. and the way to help someone may not be to sugarcoat something. i am going to call it like i see it. but that doesn’t mean i think someone is a bad person. and it doesn’t mean i won’t support them. it just means i am worried they will get more hurt, or in more trouble, if they don’t see everything that is going on. that i want to be sure they are completely aware of what is going on. and even if it is what *I* see as going on, i still think it is important. we are pretty blind when we are in the middle of something. i’d want my friends to do the same. so anyhow, do i pick insensitive friends? do i put up a front like i don’t have any feelings to hurt? do i need to learn a language for telling people that something they have done has hurt me, without being overly expectant based on the depth of our relationship? i think i do more for my friends than i am comfortable with them doing for me. and it isn’t a self-worth thing. it isn’t that i don’t feel i deserve to be treated just as well. it is just that i know what i do is a lot, sort of overboard in some cases, and i feel it is unreasonable to expect the same from others. but respect and consideration should be universal. i think i will ask elizabeth, my therapist, about a language and some queues for balance. i asked for a ride to drop off my scooter this week. three people offered to help. i was surprised and delighted. guess asking for help is easier than i thought.
andreas thought that he expressed how proud he was of me for getting into nursing school and such. the only thing i can possibly think he is referring to is when i would post something about getting into school or doing well on a test and he would post a “good job”. that isn’t supporting, that is responding appropriately to something. supporting is proactive, not reactive. does that mean my friends, who i do consider my good friends, are only responding appropriately when the comment on my experience? sort of. at the same time, they aren’t an every day part of my life like my partner is. and when i do see them, they always say something. they always ask how it is going (even if they read my posts). my best friend calls up to see how things went. katie comments on my bad days of what she wishes she could do to help me. i love that. andreas texted me the day of a test, when he thought approximately i would have finished, and wished me good results, twice. i remember them both because i was so excited. he thought of me. that felt great. responding to my post on FB is just responding on FB. it doesn’t count when they are your partner.
i don’t like the phrase “i am sorry”. i think it is over used. to me, “i am sorry” means that i regret doing something and i am going to work very hard not to do it again. rarely do i think that is actually what people mean when they say it. andreas use to say sorry a lot. especially when he forgot something, like a date. i found this a worthless effort. i didn’t actually believe he was sorry. because he was going to do it again. there were very few times when andreas said he was sorry to me that i felt it was appropriate. he felt i didn’t say sorry enough. but there were few times where i felt i would have done it differently given the opportunity. so what should one say when you do something you mean to do, it hurts your partner, you don’t like that it has hurt them, but you wouldn’t do it differently? should you say “i am sorry that hurt you”? which is specifically NOT “i am sorry that i did that”? perhaps that is the problem with “i am sorry”. that people aren’t specific enough? perhaps the problem is people expecting too much equality and agreement? “i am sorry” must mean a complete “i am guilty. i did something wrong” admission? seems to me that just leads to unequal expectations. in my next relationship, i will have to explain how i feel about that topic and see whether we can come to an agreement about it.
i am almost 42 years old (the answer!). i have had 2 major relationships in my life. patrick and andreas. i dated david for a long time, but he was my first boyfriend, and though significant, i can’t call it major. i mean, we lived at home, or at least, were still “our parents children”. i married patrick pretty close to that status. but we grew up together. andreas was my first fully formed adult relationship. i think i did pretty good. sure, i didn’t do everything right. but i think i make a great girlfriend. still, i am afraid. i am afraid i won’t meet someone that i click with. less single people as one gets older. and harder to meet. at book club tonight i was sad to be one of the only partnerless people in attendance. it made me very sad. it would be nice to have someone to process the day with when i get in bed at night. perhaps that is why i haven’t been able to sleep since school got out.
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never transfer money into my checking account until i am ready to make my payment. simple! but important. step one complete.
today i went to the renegade craft fair with rothko and then lunch with her and mathew. then we went back to their house and i made cinnamon rolls. they didn’t have any white flour so i used whole wheat. the rolls tasted like butter/sugared wheat toast to me, but they loved them. woohoo! it was awesome hanging out with them. i really love having the chance to spend time getting to know my own friends better. sounds silly, but i really like rothko and mathew (with one t).
went to a second DA meeting on friday. it was odd. they talked about getting a bank account for the chapter’s funds. they were concerned about the treasurer changing every 6 months and how hard it would be to change over ownership of the bank account. they weren’t sure about paying bills on line. the group doesn’t seem to know much about money matters. which, i suppose, makes sense. but what about us that DO know a lot of money, but still spend too much of it? i really feel i just need to find a friend who can help me with behavioral things. i just don’t know anyone who i think is in the space to do that. not even sure anyone would feel comfortable doing it. i am going to try a couple more meeting this week and see how i feel about it. i am really hoping to find some members that can relate to my position. we’ll see. (seems like a really awesomely supportive group, i must say).
last night was running of the bulls. the taurus birthday night at elysium. i didn’t go. just wasn’t in the mood to be friendly and such. that being the case, i didn’t want to go and be a drag. the idea of getting dressed up was just dreadful. and THAT is a scary thought.
signed up for some sewing classes today. taking a crash course the first weekend in june. then a longer beginners course in july. i WILL learn to sew a straight line! honestly though, if i could learn to make simple skirts, it would make me profoundly happy. i can bake, but that is about the extent of my domestic talent. if i could learn to sew, i’d feel much better about my place practicality in the world.
i have noticed recently that i am under a lot of stress. it is silly stuff, but really stressful none-the-less. for instance, i had a printer i needed to return but i didn’t have the box to send it back. i stopped by office max to see if they had one i could have. ended up having to buy one, but one of the employees there helped me pack the printer in it, with padding and have me some advice about creating my own packing slip. it was such a relief to have that done, and done in a way that made me comfortable with the final shipped product. i have other little nagging things on my to-do list that i have been getting through and has just made me feel so much less stressed. so many little things have built up. i think this is the result of being on one’s own. and, honestly, when i was dating andreas, i still had this stress. he wasn’t much for the little stuff (other than the party). i felt on my own. occasionally i would ask him to help me out with something. bring me lunch or headache meds when i was covering the counter at secret oktober. he always seemed put out. which is neither here nor there. it just felt so awesome that this girl at office max wanted to help, she REALLY wanted to help me. and she wasn’t even selling my anything. in fact, she was helping me send something back. that felt great. i sure would like more of that in my life. i wonder how i could get more of it?
i saw my therapist this week. i had lots of topics to cover. one thing she said to me, based on the info i had shared, was it seemed that a lot of my friends are pretty inconsiderate. at least the ones i am placing some trust in. for example, i had tried to set-up a servicing agreement with a male friend. when we talked it was apparent he had a pretty complicated social life. lots of women spinning around. i mentioned this. he replied that though his life was complicated, the individual events were not. so we negotiated boundaries and made a date for the next weekend. a couple hours before we were suppose to meet, he called and said that he had, had a huge drama occur with a girl that he was head-over heels for (asked if he had mentioned her previously, he hadn’t) and he wasn’t feeling sexy as a result. i understood completely. and yet, it was exactly what i was trying to avoid when i suggested his life was awfully complicated. 2 weeks later, i believe, we were prepping for KS and i asked him if everything was ok with that girl. he said it was all worked out. i remarked, “i get the feeling we won’t be playing then.” he replied, “gosh, i should have gotten back to you about that earlier. i’m real sorry.” it made me super sad though. not because i wasn’t going to get laid (i am starting to think i am approaching the ‘forget what it feels like’ window) but because people seem to think they can just ignore my feelings like that. no, we didn’t not have a committed relationship in anyway. but common courtesy suggests that one should get back to someone when you suddenly cancel a date, regardless of the activity. i asked my friend helen if i seemed to be a person with no feelings. she said yes and no. that i give people the sense that i can take care of myself, that i don’t need anything. and sure, i can take care of myself, but everyone has feelings. no one wants to be blown off. when anyone puts themselves out there, they would like others to take care. i may be tactless sometimes, but my intention is always to help. i engage because i want to help. i check in with people, even strangers on a bus or train, because i care. sometimes i say the wrong thing. but at least i try. i think everyone should try. it might not work, it might not always solve the problem, but sometimes it might help a little. and for me, someone just trying to help, means the world. it means they care enough to give me their time and energy. for them to potentially put themselves at risk. move outside of their contort zone because your discomfort is greater. is that an unreasonable expectation? i really don’t think so. but maybe i am just living on another planet. wouldn’t everyone want to be treated that way? so anyhow, how do i start signaling to people that i have feelings that matter. that i wanted to be treated with consideration and concern? how does one do that without seeming needy? suggestions anyone?
post-semester spa day tomorrow! (got a 50% discount from groupon) i wish i were going with a friend, but it will still be nice. massage, facial, and pedicure. ahhhhh……
sorry i didn’t mention it sooner. i passed. didn’t get the B i was hoping for in med surg. my GPA was a dismal 2.77. ouch. haven’t had one that low since my first semester of my freshman year. but i passed, and that is what matters at this point. as i have previously blogged, i have a new game plan for summer/fall. i believe i will be far more successful.
had a conversation with andreas last weekend about why i didn’t want to be his friend. he doesn’t understand how saying that the negative things in my life weren’t a problem for him anymore because “they had no consequence on his life anymore” hurt. he replied, that friends problems aren’t as significant to a person as partner problems. i guess we do friends differently (there is a difference, no doubt, but friends problems are significantly important too). he then went on to comment how great he felt as soon we broke up. how he felt like himself again. like he had been twisted and now he could fill out the box and be happy again. nicely done andreas. are you SURE you don’t understand why i don’t want to be your friend?
i went to a debtor’s anonymous meeting tonight. i am not sure it is going to work for me though. i realize it is a big red flag of denial to say i am different from those people, but i certainly believe different. the gentleman running the meeting has been in the program for 11 years. i don’t think i believe in “therapy” for that long. sure, some of it is maintenance, but still, the way they all talked about it. the program doesn’t believe you need to know why you got into debt. i don’t agree with that. my problem is i over spend. (andreas alluded to this in our conversation on sunday, i laughed very loudly inside). recently, with andreas breaking up with me and struggling in school, i have realized i spend when i am stressed. it isn’t so much that buying something makes me feel better. it isn’t the thing. it is the activity is soothing. a lot of time it is stuff to further organize my life. make other things easier. and they do help. but this is not a healthy habit. i use to buy a lot of stuff that i ended up not using. i have gotten MUCH better about that. i know how to talk to myself about what i am buying. i don’t buy things that aren’t right for the need to am trying to fulfill (like the right desk for studying or a pair of shoes for a certain outfit). certainly, CERTAINLY, i buy things i don’t need. i don’t need much, honestly. and that is the problem. my belief is that you solve problems like these by solving the problem that creates the anxiety. oh sure, school stress won’t go away until i am finished. but i need to find another way to respond to the stress. and i need some behavioral help. my problem there, and the reason why DA might work, is i don’t have any friends that i think can help me with the behavioral things. if i had a partner, i would ask them to help. don’t think i would have asked andreas, but it would have been nice had i felt i could ask andreas. but i am sure it would have just been too negative for him. (i am going through the anger stage of kuebler-ross. it’s a process.) i want someone i can talk to about spending. someone i can call in a weak moment. someone who will look over my budget and spreadsheet with me. someone that will hold my amex for me. see, i am petrified of not having access to emergency credit. but if i have access to credit, i will use it. what has kept me with a good credit rating is that i have always paid my bills. but if i am not careful, i may run out of money before i finish school. that would be bad. so i need to do something about it before it gets me in real trouble (ignoring the fact that my retirement is almost completely depleted as real trouble). ANYHOW, i am seeing my therapist on friday, though we are suppose to talk about trusting my gut/heart vs my brain, but maybe we need to talk about this. i’d like to see her regularly this summer, but i am not sure that works. anyhow, i am trying to get control of this and i need help doing it. and finally i am trying some different ideas to get the help i need.
today was the med surg exam. i spent the last 4 days studying ALL day. my friend katie helped me yesterday. she did flashcards with me. it helped to have to explain the topics to someone else. that helped a lot really. helped with making me feel more confident, as well as, just making me go into more depth. didn’t study enough electrolytes. other than that, i knew the answers to the test 50% of the time. the other 45% was 50/50 stuff. last 5%, had no clue. i feel good. but who knows. i’ll find out on wednesday how i did/whether i passed. i though my anxiety would have gone down by now. i think it is different anxiety really. before it was anticipation, now it is closure. but i still i have to wait. and that’s no fun.
my last important final is monday. i did pass my last med surg exam. not brilliantly, but enough to make it relatively easy to pass the course. isn’t that weird? me talking about just passing the course. i really want to get a B, so i am going to try very hard to do well on the final. but i don’t want to be greedy.
some things have clicked for me at the end of this term. i don’t expect it to be easier, but i do have a plan. of course, i still need to figure out a way to ask for help. though it is nice that people have such confidence in me, it doesn’t mean i am an island. and i am not big on having people dismiss my concerns. as nice as it is, just believing in me doesn’t mean i will understand the material or pass the course. i need to figure out how to ask for the help i need. i did ask katie to help me review flash cards on sunday. i find flash cards by myself not as effective. need to find somewhere we can go the people sitting around us aren’t annoyed my discussions about the signs and symptoms of TB and COPD. nothing like a in-depth description of a chest tube to ruin someone’s lunch.
i am thinking of offering to be in the saturday rotation for fall. it is a 12-hour shift. i like the idea of getting a full shift. it means i will be able to practice helping a client through the entire process. makes me nervous too. but i think i need to hit this head on. ruins my weekends, but i’ll have thursdays and fridays off. my new weekend. it’ll be good to be forced to stay on top of an entire day. a cycle of AM care, ADLs, appointments, assessments. i’ll get to do it all, every day.
when school gets out i have a huge list of things to do. i am going to go back and see my therapist. last time i saw her she said that i need to learn the difference between listening to my brain and my gut (heart). i was talking to a classmate about relationships today. told her about how i felt that the mistake i made with andreas was by holding on to the “this isn’t a meaningful relationship” thing too long. it meant that i didn’t share what i was feeling. i didn’t ask for what i wanted. nor share when i appreciated something. sort of silly, being the relationship went on as long as it did. i am not saying that would have solved it. may have just made it shorter when andreas decided he didn’t agree or what i needed wasn’t what he wanted to give (cause everyone has different ideas about relationships). but at least i would have put my foot forward. that will be a difference i make next time.
the capo is acting crazy. rolling around next to me on the couch. squirming. now optimus prime is curved into a backflip. what is p with these cats? the capo sleeps on me at night. and i really mean ON me. it’s rather nice, actually. the children form a triangle on the bed. crazy cat lady.
that was an amazing speech. at first, going into detail about 9/11 was weird, but then it just hit the spot. talking about america never being at a war with islam and to identify osama as a serial killer. to end with the quote from the pledge of allegiance “We are one nation, under god, indivisible for liberty and justice for all.” ok, i could have done without the “under god” but another time for that fight. a great speech. but i am nervous. i really hope they DON’T show any pictures. yes, he was a their leader, though i don’t know how much he was leading but still. who will we make mad? and how will they reciprocate? or will they? or what? anyhow, it is a big day but the future is still unknown.
p.s. just found a mistake on Doc Martin. subcutaneous injections aren’t given at a 90 degree angle! ketoacidosis is cool though.