despair

i am trying really hard to be positive. it has been really hard lately. clinical seems like a disaster every single day. i always get something wrong (nothing deadly). why can’t my teachers say something nice once in a while? i did pass my nutrition assignment. i was slightly worried about that. got an 81 (which is a C) but that is TOTALLY fine. so i guess that is a good thing, though i realize that sounds funny.

got a copy of my health ins bill today. i am attempting the last step in signing up for my health care credit. but it looks like the document i got from blue shield/blue cross doesn’t have the data i need. AND they don’t have a document that does. i’ll have to call the IRS tomorrow to see whether this will suffice or what can be done. kinda funny (in a bad way) that i get this close and get stuck in the middle between two massive companies.

today i doubted whether i could finish this program. sounds odd, but it is a temperament thing. i am very uncomfortable “bugging” my clients. the other staff just gets it done. but i am very hesitant. and that seems to equate to failure. on my assignments, i get excellent grades on the analytical stuff. but the practical stuff, not so much. is this going to work? if i finish the program will i be good enough to be a real nurse? or will i know just enough to be dangerous? i am really enjoying what i am learning. it is fascinating and amazing. but is it right for me? am i right for it? this is different than my project in germany. my fear there was missing something so other people failed because my error. this is different. this is my teachers saying to me “heather, you just aren’t right”. i am sure i can pass the tests. but nursing isn’t just tests. it isn’t even mostly tests. will i be successful?

i would really like a partner right now. i would like someone i can come home to and share all my fears and cry on their shoulder, have them console me (maybe review some flash cards) and then enjoy the evening with. enjoy the evening knowing they love and support me. that they can sympathize with my struggles without taking them on, enabling them to be strong for me. it seems that patrick was thinking those things (especially during that project) but didn’t really say anything. andreas has said he can’t hear my bad without taking it on. and then that brings him down. third times a charm? i’d like someone that would love me no matter what. who would hug me and then make me dinner (which can simply be putting the organic tv dinner into the microwave) i’ve tried to carry people when they were down, why won’t anyone offer me the same? is it not reasonable to want that? isn’t really that hard? maybe it is and it is just a talent i have.

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