i have the distinct feeling that i am going to experience the Kuebler-Ross model stages of loss much more strongly in andreas leaving me compared to patrick. with patrick, i am embarrassed to say, i tried to negotiate with him (he did not reply), i don’t think that will happen with andreas. different case and i have learned my lesson. denial probably already happened. i seem to be too trusting/believe too strongly for too long. i can’t read the writing on the wall perhaps? anyhow, anger and depression. i think i will feel those strongly. i didn’t really feel anger at patrick. i am not sure why. maybe because we had been trying for so long? i was angry for his giving up, but i wasn’t angry at him. i think i will experience things differently with andreas. certainly i was depressed with patrick and i will be with andreas. more so with andreas than patrick, i think he gave up too soon. i strongly disagree with some of his conclusions. of course, he has every right to his decision, but i really think it was a HUGE mistake. i’m awesome and we could have been too. he told me there was this important thing missing from our relationship. but he can’t explain what it is. that hardly seems fair. though i realize these things are fair. and though it is foolish to pretend to be happy (especially when it is obvious that you aren’t), it would have been nice if he could have just supported me through nursing school. i always felt like he found my going back to school a nuisance. if i had just gotten another job after HP let me go, things could have remained the same. the stress of my life wouldn’t then put pressure on him. i certainly didn’t feel like he was interested in my education. when he did ask about it, it seemed perfunctory. sure, there are somethings that don’t hold a lot of interest for me, but something as big as a career change? if that was their plan, i was supporting it. i never wanted to do improv, but i always wanted to know how it was going for him. because he loved it. and i wanted to hear about how great it was for him. andreas told me he had given up on being happy, because he didn’t think we could be happy together. that’s why he was depressed. why do people give up on me? i just want to scream at him. maybe this is why i was never comfortable with moving in with him or agreeing to take his help paying my healthcare. because i didn’t believe it would last. because i didn’t want to make my plans based on something that i wasn’t quite convinced of. because something said he wasn’t going to stick with it. i give him credit for coming to therapy. and he shared. patrick never really said anything. so andreas gets credit for that. but just like patrick, when we were on the cusp of something, he gave up. i imagine it is fear. fear of more struggle. but aren’t loved ones worth it? does he cry or is it just a relief? is a weight lifted from him now? did patrick breath a sigh of relief when he got on that plane leaving austin? why is it so easy to leave me? i can’t believe i am that horrible of a person, i just can’t. would i have done what i have in life, if i were that horrible? though i suppose my life doesn’t show much now. i’ve helped people in life. i’ve influenced them positively. so why am i alone? i have a bunch of friends that have offered to help, but what can they do? proper etiquette, which i agree with, says they can’t yell at him for being dumb. they can’t fix me so i won’t be alone again. i try so hard. i try to balance my needs with the needs of my partner. i try to support them without forsaking myself. but it isn’t working. and now i am just so so sad. i don’t want to be sad. i don’t want to sit here and cry. i just want to be done like patrick and andreas are. make it stop. maybe i will feel different tomorrow. i certainly hope so.