the days tick by

i am just not into updating my website anymore. it takes too much effort. i suppose if i were to move it to blog spot or something it might be slightly easier, but i like having my own URL, plain and simple. what i want is an automated way to update my fashion page. i have to cut and paste a lot of code. what i want is a form that will put it into the right format! something that will size my photos too. that would save a lot of time and make this more attractive. not that i don’t have anything BUT time right now. which is part of the problem. if i drop below a certain level of activity, i just stop. can’t be bothered with any of it.

crazy day today, eh? crazy guy name jared allegedly shots a rep in the head because she is too liberal. she is pro-gun rights, but still too liberal (i say allegedly because…guilty until proven innocent…if he confesses, i’ll come back and change it). sounds like the guy was just crazy, but i can’t help but think that the violent rhetoric of some of the conservative “christians” (who are not christ like) encourage these crazy people to act out. back before we had crazy mass media (the mass dead birds/fish? pretty common, just picked up by media suddenly so it sounds like the apocalypse) did we have more social pressure towards “appropriate behavior”? thus an action like this would never happen? or were things just so homogeneous that we never would have such differences in politics to piss people off so much? i have to admit, racism was considered appropriate at one time, and it obviously wasn’t, so i am not yearning for “the good old days” whole heartedly. i guess what i am missing is common courtesy which includes respecting peoples differences. of course, lynching blacks, or ostracized jews…none of those types of things were respecting differences. so maybe, people just weren’t that different. or didn’t point out they were. or maybe things like this did happen we just didn’t have the media response. maybe i am just getting old and reminiscing on days that never existed in the first place. but when i moved to chico, people you didn’t know said good morning to you on the street. and germany was really clean the last time i was there. and the french all have healthcare. i am just frustrated by all the anger and hate. i don’t get it.

another annoying thing…the new FB/Goldman deal. basically, when you are a private company you can only have up to 499 investors before you have to start reporting financial data. to stay under that number, but offer private stock to more people, FB and Goldman Sachs are creating a “special purpose vehicle” so the vehicle owns the shares, one investor, and people by into the vehicle, more than 500 people can buy in. isn’t this JUST the type of behavior that got us into the trouble we are already in? it is finding creative ways to get around proper reporting? responsible risk taking? and yet we take. the american people take it. the banks and investment firms are giving even higher bonus’ and the american people elect republicans. if my position weren’t so precarious right now i would sort of hope that the US goes bankrupt so the stupid conservatives that trusted the republicans to take care of them can go down just as hard. grrr.

but i am not going to shoot anyone over it.

i have very high expectations. even higher for myself than others. promises and commitments are of utmost importance to me as well. if you say you are going to do something, do it. if you don’t, i will lose respect for you. that will make being friends awkward. at the same time, if there is some problem, you can’t or don’t want to do what you told me you would do, well, best to PROACTIVELY talk to me about it. to ignore it is to make matters MUCH worse. this was a problem patrick and i had. i would ask him to do something, he would say he would do it, then he wouldn’t do it, then i would get mad. to me, as i look back, the bigger problem was why he couldn’t talk to me about why he couldn’t/didn’t want to do these things he promised in the first place. i realize that i am a very strong willed person. i have a very quick style. i can be very biting. but, then again, i think i also want to understand. he seemed to realize that at the end. after it was over. blame goes all around, i am not dumping this on patrick. this happens in my life regularly. because i do have such high expectations. society is a little more “let it slide” than i am. i think society defines failure more harshly than i do too. if it is a pattern, yep, it’s a problem. but if it is just a mistake, it is, who cares, you aren’t defective. let’s deal with it and move on. i think something of the things patrick and i struggled with. we were forced to dwell. he wanted to avoid, i wanted to deal with (these things being in conflict, not one being better/worse than the other innately). so, how do i avoid this problem in the future? i can be VERY explicit when i make agreements with people. agree on dates and conditions. but that isn’t really any fun. i can follow-up sooner. again, not any fun. i can do everything myself and not get into deals with people. sort of constricting in life. so how does one do it? don’t tell me you just let it slide and then never trust them again. that is not a nice way to have friends. and please don’t tell me to just let it slide. that isn’t good for the person you are in the agreement with (bad reinforcement) and puts one at risk. lastly, don’t say “don’t get into any agreements you can’t afford to lose”. i want to trust my friends/colleagues (cause we aren’t just talking lending money or something, this could be about a date or homework or loaning a vehicle or watching you cats). that is the world i want to live in. but i am not sure how to better avoid this disappointment/failure circle. any ideas?

i have a friend who is depressed. clinical depressed. and i want to help them. but i am not sure how. i have helped lots of people with problems and supported a lot of friends through trying times. but this friend is truly “i don’t feel like getting out of bed” depressed, and i am not sure what to do. i don’t want to push too hard, but i fear letting them just suffer. i don’t want to be overly outgoing but i don’t want to be a mutual downer. at the same time, the ups and downs are hard for me too. besides not knowing which one it is going to be, it is hard to switch as quickly as needed sometimes. so how do i insulate myself from the ups and downs while being there when needed, as well as, still having fun when the situation calls for it? i think i might call my therapist and set-up an appointment with her to ask advice. maybe she can recommend a book? i feel very weird about this. people talk to me. i have always been one of those people that people come to when they are having a problem. though some of you will laugh, i can be hard and soft as needed. a lot of people just don’t think i can be soft because they have never seen it. there was no occasion to. anyhow, how do i support my friend, maybe even help them with this super especially difficult time without being too much and also taking care of myself. suggestions? i really wanna help but i really don’t want to do something wrong.

current fashion photo is my custom vintage dress from easy. it was only there for months and months. i just couldn’t decide. then i bought it. and it was awesome. a little shorter than i normally like. i like to wear full skirts just above the knee and pencil style just below. it is part of my gothic donna reed couture. i need some black pearls. i love to vacuum. last night i made more coffee cake. my friend (and brilliant massage therapist kathy lee…seriously people, you need a massage therapist, she is your girl) called it the coffee buzz buzz buzz cake. i like that. bought 2 cake pans at HEB. they are AWESOME! my cake came out perfect. i think part of the reason i like this recipe so much is that it is my first really successful cake. made a cupcake version too. going to make those for the first day of class. they keep over night well too. damn, i love to bake.

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