my mom thinks i should write an autobiography. i sound like augusten burroughs. i realize this is a compliment, offered in the most sincere way. augusten has a talent for expressing his life in the most ordinary ways though it was hardly that. but the book depressed me terribly. and though i realize that i am equal parts heavy depressing person and creative amusing genius, the heavy depressing part still gets more attention in my head. and it makes me sad. even though there are plenty of people who have thanked me for the assistance that my heaviness provided, it’s still too heavy. and i can’t control it. maybe i am manic-dep? lithium doesn’t sound like fun but if those around me would be less tortured i think it would be worth it. NOTHING drives my self-loathing more than feeling that my neurosis are harming someone else. from what i’ve heard (not real scientific info though) as long as you are on it, you don’t know any better. it is when you run out that it is a problem. anyhow, what does this have to do with the titled? the title is my problem. i am a very passionate girl. in all things. i have calmed down at work (hard to believe i know) but i still experience everything in life to the most extreme case. it’s all passion and no discipline. in a more subtle and tangible case, my passion causes me to be a little too active in the shoe department. but at the same time, i helped my friend sarah buy a fabulous red and white stripped, single sleeve top today that looks MARVELOUS on her. much more sassy than her normal self. and that is a good thing. but with this passion unleashed and the demons dancing inside my head (not literally) it is a combination for trouble, for all those involved. so what i really need is discipline. i need to be able to turn down the passion. moderate it when necessary. hell, i would be happy just turning it off now and again. i suppose that is what valium is for, though i think it is unnecessary. if i could just practice not caring. if i could just have the discipline to do what i know i need to do. then all would be peachy. for everyone. why can’t i do that, if not for myself, then for everyone around? (though for myself is probably more appropriate).
i think that discipline needs something to hold on to. a mantra so to speak. some people use the strength of faith (like in god or buddha or allah or gumby) (i did explain to my colleagues this week that gumby (they didn’t know who he or pokey were) get write in votes in the presidential election every four years, they were amused, i was thinking that this time around, gumby may be the best possible candidate). i have no faith. i do not believe in god. i believe in a mutually necessary code of honor for all humans. this, of course, is a ridiculous idea (if we can’t get the heads of a few nations to agree on attacking a sovereign nation (the correct answer is don’t) then how could i get everyone to agree on not wearing neon spandex?) something that is rooted in the golden rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you), which seeks to avoid simply following the masses (can’t go quite utilitarian) or catering to the minorities (there must be a way to let them pray and not feel like having to pray)(it’s a fine line, trust me). (i enjoy the use of brackets, they express how i think). anyhow, discipline needs a root. my current code of honor isn’t quite enough to hold it down. i fall into self doubt. when i try to seek reassurance i often just get more confused. no one seems to understand me. i talk and all i hear is silence. and then i get to a point where i can’t even express myself at all anymore because i am afraid of what i am thinking. i am afraid i am so very wrong and i am about to insult humanity. make a fool of myself at least. why do i fall into this? or rather why canÃt i just let go of these topics and thoughts that precipitate this self-doubt and, well honestly, self-loathing? because i am a process oriented person. because everything has to flow into the next logically (yes, my logic could be flawed but that is why i ask so many questions, to learn where my logic is wrong). when i can logically link it all together, i am at peace. nothing more satisfying than a balanced check book or a process that runs smoothly. i suppose that is why i like watching manufacturing lines so much. it is fluid. i suppose that is why i like to dance. it is fluid. can’t explain the hair. but i want the discipline to say, ‘this is logical enough’ when it is reasonable to do so and ask for that little bit more, when it is necessary. i have come a long way in this regard. ask patrick. i use to be very anal about every everything. i pick and choose what is important, better now. but not well enough. i just want to be able to drop the bar a bit. it is in everyone’s best interest. i suppose it is possible i could find myself on a slippery slope, but i really think it is unlikely that i would sell out. there is nothing i want that bad. if i become disciplined will i lose my creativity? become too ridged? lose myself entirely? my boyfriend in high school didnÃt like (rightly) some of my behavior. but he said to change the things that caused this behavior would cause the heather he loved to disappear. and he didnÃt want that. so would changing my behavior by gaining discipline and acting only through deliberate and conscious steps, ruin me? would i lose the passion? do people with passion AND discipline exist? how do they focus? discipline is almost a dictionary definition for focus, to me. how do they do it? where do i learn it? can i get it in pill form? i think i will go out and buy a poke-a-dot rain coat tomorrow.
this blog hasnÃt turned out like i planned. the discipline part didnÃt turn out like i wanted. i havenÃt quite captured what i truly mean. but maybe one of you will write me and let me in on it. if not, thatÃs ok, iÃll figure it out. you could bring me a pepsi though.
thank you christine for offering to fly over and see a movie, hopefully it won’t come to that. thanks mom for your call. it was nice of you. i like what you said. it was different.