i have been very bad about my site lately, just not into it, out of sync, you know. i’ll try to be better.

it isn’t that i haven’t the fashion to keep up either. now with my improved body, i can wear all sorts of clothing that i haven’t in a while and you have never seen! i even look better in some of the stuff you have seen! it’s like christmas. also, john’s girlfriend tiffany gave me a killer pink fuzzy scarf. i am going to try and take pictures of myself every where with it. this week’s outfit is my new favorite levi carpenter jeans and my sexy mango lace top. great cleavage. it is cas’ but sexy.

this week was very busy. business always seems to pick up in spring. i now have to be at the office at 7 am on monday’s and every other week i have a telecon at 1 am on friday morning (before the friday workday). since there are only two of us in CET and a bunch in PST, and the SGP time people have a have to stay up until 10 pm the other week’s, and i am a night person, i volunteered. we’ll see how well it goes. i am consulting a bunch of projects and working on replacing my tool and process as well. i am in charge of training the new people too. by that i mean making sure they get the appropriate training. the next 5 months are going to fly by.

i am further dismayed by my government. at least they have stopped printing headlines that they have found WMD (weapons of mass destruction) only to have to back down. though i am not surprised by it, i knew my gov’t was lying, i am upset that we seem to be setting ourselves up in iraq. the people appreciate it, but want us to leave now, because we said we were doing it for our safety and the world’s and now that saddam is gone, we got what we wanted, we should go home.

a friend of mine has a .sig file that says ‘Hello Mr. Ashcroft!’ poking fun at the fact that Ashcroft has allowed all manner of illegal observation of innocent people to happen in the name of ‘security and anti-terrorism’. this week he added ‘hey hey what do ya say, how many rights have you killed today?!’ but then the next day he took it off sighting a bunch of crap emails. i couldn’t believe it! do i knock on the doors of people waving american flags or ‘iraq first, france second’ bumper stickers and tell them i think their opinion is crap? no. i am willing to talk to them about the issues and both their and my opinions, but i don’t blindly criticize them. that pisses me off. the FIRST right that everyone screams foul over is freedom of speech (think cross burning) but they seem completely fine with quashing others freedom. anyhow, it just further disappoints me.

new quotes on the quote page. recommend going there.

i’ll try to be better this week.

i am on a teleconference right now. since 15:30 and it is torturing me! back and forth, back and forth! i can’t zone out because i have to take the minutes. but please! can’t we just make a decision and move on! somebody make a firm declaration and let’s go!

hey. so while i was home i came across this new-ish magazine. the name was so cool, i had to buy it. turns out to be a feminist mag of sorts. articles about how vain jane of jane mag has become. a positive article (which surprised me) about a program in the UK where friend nominate you to be ‘redressed’. apparently there is a US version which is much worse, but i thought it was a rude idea to start with. there was an article on the ‘i feel’ versus ‘i think’ way of speaking (passive/aggressive). an article about obsessive record collectors, mostly being male. it was entertaining and only went overboard in a few places (being overly sensitive about adjectives and all).

one really interesting article was about slash fiction. these are stories (more like porn to me) where you have two characters, usually partners such as Kirk and Spock, where there have been sexual overtones. the even more interesting aspect of this writing is that it is mostly authored by women whereas the partners are usually male. the interesting part of the article was when one critic theorizing that the female authors are creating ‘the ideal human in a misogynistic world: male body, male power, female ways of relating’. i found this concept fascinating. i am quite sure lots of people call me a boy behind my back if not just a bitch, but i don’t really see myself as being male (accept the whole ‘wearing the pants in the family’ which i do) but as being a louder female. i think all girls think like me, they just don’t express it. (and i don’t mean think like mean in terms of my thinking being so great or anything, just that woman are opinionated like me, just quieter). it’s a rough theory so don’t hold me to it quite yet. i am still working on it.

another funny thing that happened while reading this magazine was that i left it on the plane from sacramento to la. i wish i could have seen the look on whomever’s face when they picked it up…

check out the website www.bitchmagazine.com

i was in the US last week and honestly it was very annoying. why must everything be SO large? the cars, not cars in effect, are gigantic, even the reasonably sized accords have grown. come on america, you don’t need those giant suv’s and you are only making yourselvesmore dependent on foreign oil. then there was the portions. everything was huge. i only finished one meal (a chicken bowl) the entire time. just because it is a good deal financially doesn’t mean you must order the extra large! at vons there was entire sections of oversized product. gallon jugs of peanut butter, pillow sized bags of Lays’ potato chips. unbelievable! at costco yes, but vons? and then there were the people. the very large people. familied of large people. come on people, it is SO unhealthy not to mention rather unattractive. it pained me to see people huffing at going up a few stairs! yes, the customer service was wonderful and it is always nice to speak the language but other than that, for the first time, i was happy to return to germany.

while driving in la we noticed something…

‘so what do you do?’

‘i drive around around la while taking on my cell phone’

seriously, there were more people driving while talking on the phone than driving.

have i mentioned how wonderful the security enhancements at us airports are? they seriously piss me off. 8 people on one scanning machine, most of those ‘supervising’. as a process expert and efficiency obsessive/compulsive, i have a really hard time with the inefficiency and blantent insecurity of the security. and all with MY tax dollars! ok, sure, i may have a little spendiing problem but i expect more of the us gov’t since they are spending the tax payers dollars. i am very tight with hp’s money being that it effects so many people. when will the madness stop?

there was a section of highway on 99 that has a sign which says:

‘this section of highway cleaned by atheists and other free thinkers’. there were, in fact, two people cleaning even!

i realize that i complain about my country a lot but it greatly saddens me that americans squander the benfits and opportunities they are granted by being in the us. you have food on your table, why not make it good food. you have your own transportation, why not be economical with it? i am not perfect but i try and i don’t see that with a lot of americans. and the way they just let dubya et al. steal and destroy their rights and safeguards. they almost deserve it, except it effects me too. oh well. cheers.

i have 8 loads of laundry to do. i am on load 3. i am estimating sunday to be complete…

‘meow, meow’ (now you say meow meow back. it means ‘i love you’ in heather and patrick-speak)

there will be a new program starting in june on the oxygen channel (opera’s group). it will be a half hour cat show. no, i mean a show FOR cats. it will have squirrels running up trees and stuff. check the article, meow tv, if you don’t believe me.

as with all things american i have a problem with this show. i love my baby, but darwin does not need a tv show. a dvd of swimming fish is plenty, if at all. why not spend this money on inner-city kids? give them a show. buy them some books. fix their schools. yeah, yeah, i spend a decent chunk on shoes but i also spend a decent chunk on charity. i write my congressmen and i intend to become MORE involved when i return home (more because i was already in a big bro/big sis program before i left). anyhow…

basically it is tiff’s scarf. she gave it to me because it matched my hair so brilliantly she knew we were meant to be together! i have lots of pictures of me and it all over california. even a picture of us dancing while waiting for the luggage at sfo…

that’s me in front of the sign of the holiday inn express we stayed at in so cal when we went down to see patrick’s family. there was even a hometown buffet across the street where we would get a 5% discount because we were staying at the holiday inn express. we even got the jacuzzi room. anyhow, just another picture of me in typh’s scarf. cool hey?

my mom thinks i should write an autobiography. i sound like augusten burroughs. i realize this is a compliment, offered in the most sincere way. augusten has a talent for expressing his life in the most ordinary ways though it was hardly that. but the book depressed me terribly. and though i realize that i am equal parts heavy depressing person and creative amusing genius, the heavy depressing part still gets more attention in my head. and it makes me sad. even though there are plenty of people who have thanked me for the assistance that my heaviness provided, it’s still too heavy. and i can’t control it. maybe i am manic-dep? lithium doesn’t sound like fun but if those around me would be less tortured i think it would be worth it. NOTHING drives my self-loathing more than feeling that my neurosis are harming someone else. from what i’ve heard (not real scientific info though) as long as you are on it, you don’t know any better. it is when you run out that it is a problem. anyhow, what does this have to do with the titled? the title is my problem. i am a very passionate girl. in all things. i have calmed down at work (hard to believe i know) but i still experience everything in life to the most extreme case. it’s all passion and no discipline. in a more subtle and tangible case, my passion causes me to be a little too active in the shoe department. but at the same time, i helped my friend sarah buy a fabulous red and white stripped, single sleeve top today that looks MARVELOUS on her. much more sassy than her normal self. and that is a good thing. but with this passion unleashed and the demons dancing inside my head (not literally) it is a combination for trouble, for all those involved. so what i really need is discipline. i need to be able to turn down the passion. moderate it when necessary. hell, i would be happy just turning it off now and again. i suppose that is what valium is for, though i think it is unnecessary. if i could just practice not caring. if i could just have the discipline to do what i know i need to do. then all would be peachy. for everyone. why can’t i do that, if not for myself, then for everyone around? (though for myself is probably more appropriate).

i think that discipline needs something to hold on to. a mantra so to speak. some people use the strength of faith (like in god or buddha or allah or gumby) (i did explain to my colleagues this week that gumby (they didn’t know who he or pokey were) get write in votes in the presidential election every four years, they were amused, i was thinking that this time around, gumby may be the best possible candidate). i have no faith. i do not believe in god. i believe in a mutually necessary code of honor for all humans. this, of course, is a ridiculous idea (if we can’t get the heads of a few nations to agree on attacking a sovereign nation (the correct answer is don’t) then how could i get everyone to agree on not wearing neon spandex?) something that is rooted in the golden rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you), which seeks to avoid simply following the masses (can’t go quite utilitarian) or catering to the minorities (there must be a way to let them pray and not feel like having to pray)(it’s a fine line, trust me). (i enjoy the use of brackets, they express how i think). anyhow, discipline needs a root. my current code of honor isn’t quite enough to hold it down. i fall into self doubt. when i try to seek reassurance i often just get more confused. no one seems to understand me. i talk and all i hear is silence. and then i get to a point where i can’t even express myself at all anymore because i am afraid of what i am thinking. i am afraid i am so very wrong and i am about to insult humanity. make a fool of myself at least. why do i fall into this? or rather why canít i just let go of these topics and thoughts that precipitate this self-doubt and, well honestly, self-loathing? because i am a process oriented person. because everything has to flow into the next logically (yes, my logic could be flawed but that is why i ask so many questions, to learn where my logic is wrong). when i can logically link it all together, i am at peace. nothing more satisfying than a balanced check book or a process that runs smoothly. i suppose that is why i like watching manufacturing lines so much. it is fluid. i suppose that is why i like to dance. it is fluid. can’t explain the hair. but i want the discipline to say, ‘this is logical enough’ when it is reasonable to do so and ask for that little bit more, when it is necessary. i have come a long way in this regard. ask patrick. i use to be very anal about every everything. i pick and choose what is important, better now. but not well enough. i just want to be able to drop the bar a bit. it is in everyone’s best interest. i suppose it is possible i could find myself on a slippery slope, but i really think it is unlikely that i would sell out. there is nothing i want that bad. if i become disciplined will i lose my creativity? become too ridged? lose myself entirely? my boyfriend in high school didnít like (rightly) some of my behavior. but he said to change the things that caused this behavior would cause the heather he loved to disappear. and he didnít want that. so would changing my behavior by gaining discipline and acting only through deliberate and conscious steps, ruin me? would i lose the passion? do people with passion AND discipline exist? how do they focus? discipline is almost a dictionary definition for focus, to me. how do they do it? where do i learn it? can i get it in pill form? i think i will go out and buy a poke-a-dot rain coat tomorrow.

this blog hasnít turned out like i planned. the discipline part didnít turn out like i wanted. i havenít quite captured what i truly mean. but maybe one of you will write me and let me in on it. if not, thatís ok, iíll figure it out. you could bring me a pepsi though.

thank you christine for offering to fly over and see a movie, hopefully it won’t come to that. thanks mom for your call. it was nice of you. i like what you said. it was different.

we leave for the US tomorrow (we today actually). going home for a wedding. we really don’t want to travel home but we do want to attend the wedding. i am just too incredibly creeped out by the patiot act and patriot act II. you should all write your congress people. it is a travisty (sp?) (i suppose my spelling is too though). anyhow, we are mostly going to just kick back while home, get my tattoo touched up, drink coffee, go to wal-mart at 2 am. the usual.

nothing terribly significant hit me this week. no new profoundness. we created a sign for our new employee who started monday (it had a giant arrow and said ‘the NEW girl’). we hung it from the ceiling over her desk. on friday we put one up for letsa (he starts this thursday). it has a giant picture of him making a funny face and says ‘and now for something completely different’. he went to boys night last night and remarked to patrick that no one will know him. patrick suggested everyone would know him. hee hee.

you’ll all be proud. all my clothing for this trip home fit in one suitcase, even the shoes. we are still taking 4 suitcases so that we can bring things to christine and i can buy jungle book decorations for ivette’s daughters b-day party. but i was totally reasonable this time. i mean it is only 7-days.

did i mention i have another lead on a job? pretty exciting stuff actually. i would be a reporting analyst basically. a liaison that ensures all the financial reporting is there. i can live anywhere i want too. in the US that is. well i suppose i could do it from the UK but patrick wouldn’t have anything to do there. we’ll keep working at it. cheers.