sorry to put these two things together, but they both came to my head this weekend…

when my parents and i live in houston, texas for those few months, i had one of the defining and negative experiences of my life time. my dad lied to me. this was sort of a big one though. it was morning and i was in their bedroom and asked him to read me a book. i really wanted to hear this book. i admit, i kept bugging him. finally he said if i put the vacuum away, he would read me the book. i said ok and put the vacuum away immediately. then i presented myself and the book. by then my mom was in the room. she had been in the shower, i believe, when the exchange took place. i said to dad ‘now you have to read me the book’. mom said there wasn’t time as everyone had somewhere to go. i protested that dad had said, if i put the vacuum away, he would read me the book. [here is where the lie comes in]. we look at him and he says, ‘no i didn’t’. i protested, ‘yes you did’. him ‘no i didn’t’. mom, ‘heather, you shouldn’t lie’. him…nothing. mom said i was now in trouble for lying. my dad lied to me and infront of my mom and now i was in trouble. these were obviously people i could not trust. who could i trust? who can i trust?

i found the way i want to die. no plans to do that anytime soon. i am not seeking to end the misery, as there isn’t any. life’s pretty nice these days. but never the less, it is nice to know how one would want to go out, if it were necessary (like if dubya was going to force me to kill innocent people in their own country (i mean more than he already does using my tax dollars to do it in iraq)) i would want to drive into a stand of trees going 220 kph on the autobahn while listing to the NIN live CD, very loud. as i was driving home from frankfurt today, i was doing something similar (only going 160 kph since i have an a-class). i was flying along, at the flow of traffic, listening to these cd’s and it was the most powerful and wonderful feeling. balance and harmony and strength and those endorphins. all of it pumping through my system. wouldn’t it be nice to end it all on such a high note? much better than what we do to our elderly in the states these days. a bit logan’s run, i admit. and certainly odd. but i have never been one to hide my emotions or ideas. please don’t call the authorities on me though. i am not leaving you. i love you all very much and do not seek to cause you pain or sadness. on this, you can trust me. cheers.

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