Here in Germany McDonald’s is having another one of it’s specialty weeks. ‘Brazil Week’. Who’s stupid idea was that? Doesn’t McDonald’s Corp realize that Germany LOST to Brazil in the World Cup?

I saw a guy walking along the Bahnsteigen who I couldn’t stop staring at. He was wearing a light flowing Hawaiian style shirt, black trousers and black shoes. The trousers were too high on his waist and not low enough around his ankles. As expected he was wearing white socks. He carried a thick aluminum briefcase and had the body language of ‘I’m the shit!’ The look on his face, the stride, it all said confidence and power. And yet, to me, because of how he was dressed, he seemed ludicrous. This causes a conflict in me. One must be impressed with those who exude their confidence, though not necessarily if they are arrogant about it. Or if they prove they are idiots and the attitude was false. So let’s say this guy does know his shit. How should I react? I am a very confident person, on most topics. That which I do, I do to the best of my ability, which can be significant. When I walk, I have a stride and a look that says I know who I am and what I am doing, ‘don’t fuck with me’ (which sometimes scares people though it isn’t meant to). As I walk, especially when I hear music, either from my iPod or in my head, I feel powerful. And I look it. I feel the energy inside of me. These are times I know I can do anything. Do I look that way? Do I look cool? Or do I look like this guy, confident and strangely dressed? And does it matter? Am I just doing what I dedicate my life to eradicating…judging a book by it’s cover? Maybe. But really, I couldn’t say whether he is ‘the shit’ or not, because I don’t know him. I can say, he dresses funny, in my opinion, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t consider him for a job (unless it was PR to the Entertainment Industry, in that case the outfit would matter). It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t take him seriously. It just means that I snicker at his white socks. Of course all this is making me wonder if I am too hard on people because they don’t fit my script. This would be a real problem for me.

I saw two guys walking in downtown Stuttgart within 3 minutes of each other. One had a t-shirt on that said, ‘Kill all DJ’s’. The next guy’s t-shirt said, ‘God is a DJ’. So which is it?

If someone in the US wanted to send me a pair of Victoria Secret ‘Modified Stringer, style 8960’ stockings in small for my birthday, that’d be great.

I need to take more risks in life. I need to believe in and follow my passion more. I realize there are those of you that think I am wild enough, but I am only that way in appearance. Yes, weird things happen to me but that has nothing to do with risks I might consciously take. That is simply because I am a freak magnet. I’ve never gone to a concert, without a ticket, even a NIN show, hoping to find a way in. Guess it is because I have always been afraid of getting arrested for scalping tickets. Or maybe I have just been afraid of sleeping, alone, on the floor of a train station (which I have done and was sort of cool.) I’ve never gotten back stage. I’ve never tried. I think that is because I don’t really want to lower myself to groveling or lying or whatever. Does that mean I’m just not passionate enough about the music in my life? Most people would probably say I am very passionate…but about what? Nothing specific. Not even shoes, since I only buy and wear them. OK, I imagine most people would say I am passionate about life, everything I do. In fact, I would say that. It makes me sound too much like born again Christian though. Have I mentioned my genius theory. I think being a genius is such a strain on that individual, it takes so much out of them, that they have deficiencies elsewhere that represent themselves as addictions. OK, perhaps it is the ‘Adult Child of an Alcoholic’ in me but I want more passion in my life. I have often heard musicians say that they didn’t choose to be musicians, they just are and if they did anything else, it wouldn’t work. But I am not a musician. I want a passion though. Don’t want it to be fitness. Those people are annoying. I think the reason I haven’t followed something with all my heart, before now, is that I have been afraid of not being any good at it. How many musicians, who think deep down inside that is what they are, work at McD’s? Painters? Actors? Entrepreneurs? Time for my ‘best at X’ theory. Why is it that men are always the greatest ‘X’ on earth? Think composer, director, actor, cook, flautist, etc. I think it is because men are taught to give up everything for success. Put nothing, family, friends, loved-ones, hygiene (OK maybe just Bill) before ‘the career’. Whatever that is. Yes, there is the fact that women get shit for not being home to feed the kids but dad can stay at the office all he likes. But this goes beyond that. Anyhow, I think I am a victim, of sorts, to that. Not from my mom but society in general. I wasn’t a very confident child/teenager/young adult either. Perhaps I am having another mid-life crisis? I had my first at age 14. Things turned out for the better that time so maybe I should embrace this? Don’t worry I am not going to divorce Patrick and start a punk band or move to Montana to find myself (how could I find ANYTHING in Montana?) Hm. I need something passionate in my life. Perhaps this means I need to go back to school. Teaching was the one thing I believe I was the most passionate about. How dull.

Well, I have sat home 3 nights out of 4 this week and cried about my job. We are talking big sobs. Chest heaving and the whole thing. I am being tortured and I am so confused. I finally begged for help and Juergen came to help me today. We talked about the different system set ups and what I am responsible for and what the IT leads or Business leads are responsible for. I feel better. Didn’t cry last night or tonight. That’s a start. Of course, I cried at the beginning, felt better and then slipped further down this week. Oh well. I’ll live.

Bunch new quotes. Some very entertaining. I love my husband. Next week I will tell you all about my new laminating machine! (and why)

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