OK, this coffee talk is going to be very emotional so hold on…
Got an email from my mom this week that was traumatic. She and her boyfriend, Ken, are talking about ‘cohabiting’. This disturbs me. Why, you ask? Because they have only been dating 2 months. ‘But you married Patrick after only a month and a half, Heather.’ Yeah, but I have never told anyone that was a smart thing to do. In fact, I think I usually say something like, ‘It was stupid. We didn’t even know each other. For all I knew he could have been a serial killer’. Which is not to suggest that Ken is a serial killer, just that not knowing each other very long is a problem for me. Ken is the first person my Mom has dated since she got a divorce almost 17 yrs ago. They have only been dating 2 months. Moving in together, I am assuming at my Mom’s house, is a bit much a bit soon I think. Now you are all sitting in your chairs mouths agape reading this, I know. Doesn’t fit my personality or anything. Harald, the support manager, said it didn’t match my personality or outfit. He said his Mother told him she was thinking of marrying her boyfriend after three days (they’ve been living together for 10 years now but never married). That didn’t really help. See my Mom is different. My Mom is that one ‘normal’ thing in my life. Sure, we aren’t a ‘normal’ family but I have some ‘traditional’ and historic opinions about my Mom. My Mom is the strongest person on earth. She is my Rock of Gibraltar. She’s the Mom. She does Mom things. She is there for the kids. Selfish? Yes. Do I care? No. I need my Mom. Of course Ken makes my Mom happy. She is having lots of fun and sends cheery, of scary emails (think ‘missed my weights class this morning’). I want my Mom to be happy. But do they have to live together to be happy? So I had a miserable day after I got the message. I spent 2 hours trying to find a decently priced plane ticket home but couldn’t find anything leaving after June 20th (I have things in the release and I don’t think losing my job because I have to fly home because my Mom wants to move into her boyfriend will help the situation). I mean I haven’t even met the guy. Can’t they wait until I visit? I dated a decent amount in college. I liked having my own place to go back to (or somewhere to send him) if needed. Even if I spent every night at his place (or vice versa). So I thought about it a lot yesterday. After work I went and bought a new pair of shoes (see next paragraph) and we went to see Spider-man which opened yesterday. All of this made me feel better. It relaxed me enough I could really think about why this idea bothered me so much (because really people, it isn’t like I like feeling this way, I admit these feelings are irrational but they ARE my feelings, it is embarrassing for me to feel this way as it seems somehow a bit hypocritical, though I am not sure how, it just feels that way, and you all know what I think of hypocrites). Anyhow, this is why it bothers me so much…When my parents were splitting up, something I was actually happy about since they were both so unhappy I thought they would now have a chance, it was near my parents anniversary. On their anniversary we decided to go out for pizza, this was probably dad’s idea. As we were leaving, dad got a page. Andy and I went to the car to wait. It was taking a really long time so I went back to the house to see why. When I tried to open the front door, I couldn’t. When I finally was able to get it opened a bit, I found my Mom lying on the floor crying. She was saying ‘You don’t love me anymore’. Dad was still on the phone. I started crying and yelling at him to make her stop, which I meant him to do by telling her he did love her though in retrospect that seems a bit silly. He finally came and picked her up and we went for pizza. This was probably the most horrible moment of my entire life. To see my Mom, my everything, reduced to nothing on the floor was just more than I can bare. Tears form in my eyes even now as I remember it. And this is what I am afraid of. I am not afraid of losing my Mom, I am afraid of my Mom getting her heart broken and ending up crying on the floor again. I couldn’t bare something so horrible, again. Innately, I don’t trust many people (sorry) and I certainly can’t trust a man I don’t even know with my Mom’s love. Sorry, it just ain’t going to happen. I told all this to my Mom in an email and as of writing this, haven’t heard back. Ultimately, and I told her this too, I can’t stop her. As she use to say to me, ‘you are free, white and over 21’. But I just think it is all too much too soon and I can’t bare the thought of my Mom being hurt, again, by a man. So see, I am not so horrible and selfish. My concern is for her and me. We’ll see.
I found my new summer sandals but they aren’t sandals. They are Converse lo-tops, in black. They are super in and I have seen them in a numbers of ads (which isn’t to say that I am wearing because of that, but I did like what I saw). They add a little sport and funk to my somewhat feminine summer outfits. The best part too is no more blisters! You should see my feet. it is embarrassing. But now, with no straps to cut into my toes or the tops of my feet, they should be completely healed by end of summer (yes they were that bad). Now I will admit that the back of my left shoe has rubbed my heel but that will break-in easily and quickly. I am satisfied and they were cheap-ish (50 Euro for Converse lo-tops!)
Well I had another topic, about music, but I think I’ve said enough. The outfit is pretty old but the weather has been really nice. The dress is actually an Esprit nightgown I bought years and years ago (no idea where though I’ll ask Patrick and he might know). The very Gothic overlay was bought my first summer here in Budapest at Manier. I am sure some little old Hungarian woman hunched over it for days and got paid poorly but I paid a lot. it is fabulous, don’t you think. Check out the hair page because I have a killer new colour. New colourist at Tony and Guy, yeah!